Narrow Your Dating Pool, But Don't Limit It
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Have you ever been told by a well-meaning friend or relative that “you’re too picky! Just settle down already”?
It’s so frustrating, isn’t it? Words like these can make you feel guilty for wanting more than just the next available spouse. They can be confusing and hurtful, making you doubt your worth and second guess all your choices.
But, despite your uncertainty, you’re not called to a generic marriage. You’re not called to settle for the next potential spouse who comes along. You’re called to a life-altering, unbreakable union with an individual. That individual may not check all the boxes on your marriage wish list, but he or she will be the perfect option for you.
What's on your wish list?
When I was dating, we all had our mental lists: tall, dark-haired, likes philosophy, smoking under the stars, and Russian novels; or blonde, petite, likes skiing, hiking, and babies. In the early years of dating, the wish list dominated our thoughts. Even as we matured, it lingered in the back of our minds.
The list can be a helpful tool.
It’s good to know what we’re attracted to, and it’s important to be attracted to our spouse. Never marry someone simply because they’re convenient. But when we allow the list to dictate, we miss out; because often those lists are full of unessentials and false ideals—things that won’t actually make us happy.
I don’t need a husband who loves Russian literature, I need a husband who loves me. He doesn’t need a wife who can hike with him, he needs one who cares enough to support his interests whether she enjoys it or not.
Perfect compatibility isn’t about checking all the boxes on someone’s wish list, but it is about sharing core values and connecting deeply.
So, when it comes to your own standards—what’s “too picky” and what’s “normal”?
Let’s take a look at the "unessentials" versus the must-haves.
So much of the advice given to singles encourages you to look for someone who shares your interests and hobbies. There’s definitely some truth in this advice. It’s fun to spend time with someone who loves all the same activities.
But there’s also a joy in introducing your date to something entirely new. Not only do you get to enjoy seeing your favorite activities with fresh eyes, but you also get the chance to see how your date reacts to new situations.
For example, I took my first real camping trip with my husband on our honeymoon. I’d never camped in a tent before! But he was a seasoned camper and I was up for anything. While he does most of his camping with friends these days, we both loved our honeymoon adventure and were both open to new experiences.
Think about your ideals in marriage. Not all those romantic images of the two of you on vacations or laughing together at cheesy romcoms. Think about what will make the foundation of your marriage strong. When I was single, the sole ideal I had for marriage was a shared sacramental imagination. I knew that the most important thing on my wish list was that my husband saw the beauty of our faith in a similar way.
It’s likely your essential ideals are different. Whatever they are, get to know them. Learn to recognize them in your friends and family. Spend time seeing how those ideals are expressed in the people around you.
While everyone’s essentials will look different, they’re often based on a few core values.
1. A shared relationship to the faith. Sharing a similar view of and relationship to the faith is an ideal way to build your relationship on a firm footing. When we choose a partner who not only shares our faith but also approaches that faith in a similar way, we reduce the chance of ending up with a split in our family between deeply divergent religious expression.
If you don’t feel comfortable at the Latin Mass, have some hard conversations with the rad-trad girl you’re dating. If you don’t want to spend your Sundays listing to the folk-choir at St. Kevin’s, make sure he’s actually excited about leaving his faith community for something a little more traditional.
Don’t set yourself up for a marriage fraught with spiritual frustration by failing to take your faith differences seriously.
2. An inspiring personality. No matter how attractive a person is, no matter how completely you agree on all the right issues, personality is essential. If his attitude makes you crazy now, it’ll really grate on you after 5 years of constant contact.
Chose a spouse you admire. Someone whose personality inspires you to be a better person. The more you look up to your spouse, the more likely you’ll be to find the beauty in him or her as the two of you age and settle into life together.
3. Physical attraction. You should be physically attracted to your spouse. Despite what some well-meaning matchmakers might say, don’t be unfair to your future spouse. If you don’t find him or her attractive now, reconsider either your concept of attraction or your relationship.
That doesn’t mean you need to hold out for physical perfection. If you do, you’ll be waiting forever. But look for the beauty in the people around you and date people who delight your eyes as well as your heart.
The key is in finding your own balance.
The truth is that navigating your standards, expectations, and longing to be married is a continual challenge. Some days, you may feel like throwing all expectations to the wind and settling down with the first person to come along.
Other days, you may turn down a perfectly compatible date simply because he doesn’t like Jane Austen. But don’t let either of these extremes get in the way of your search for true, lasting love. Find a few, consistent essentials to guide you on your search and then allow yourself to be surprised. You may find that the ideal match for you is perfectly unexpected.
Find Your Forever.
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