Does a Fear of Loneliness Rule Your Dating Life?

Sometimes, dating is seen as a cure for loneliness.

Let’s be real—if you’re single, I think it’s safe to bet with 99.9% accuracy that you’d like to be dating someone, even if not now, eventually.

That desire speaks to the way God created us—we are dependent upon other people and we truly were not made to be alone. While there are many ways to seek that connection other than dating, the desire to be in an intimate union with one other person seems to be stamped on the human heart.

Speaking from my own experience in the dating world as well as my work as counselor where many of my clients come to me with struggles in their dating lives (or lack thereof), I’ve come to realize an unfortunate reality.

I believe that many people date simply to not be alone vs. a true desire to be with the specific person they are dating.

Well, you might argue, can’t both be true at the same time? Perhaps, but it seems that one or the other will be in the driver’s seat, and realizing that many people date in order to not be alone is a very scary realization.

What’s so bad about not wanting to be alone?

I’d argue that it inevitably lowers your standards. If we are in relationship with another person where, more than anything, they are just a place-filler, the entire relationship operates out of whack. Rather than seeking to love that person for them, it can quickly become a utilitarian relationship where I am with that person because of what they provide for me vs. a true desire to give of myself for them.

Furthermore, these types of relationships are ruled by a fear of rejection. I am orienting myself and how I come to the other in the relationship based upon efforts to avoid rejection, rather than wanting to grow and flourish together.

What does that look like? It looks like someone’s boyfriend passively telling her to lose weight by giving her work-out gear for Valentine’s day, and she’s too fearful to tell him how much that hurt her. It looks like someone maintaining close contact with her ex-boyfriend while still with her current boyfriend “just in case.” It looks like someone who has panic attacks if she doesn’t hear from her boyfriend every few hours. It looks like someone who is too timid to tell his girlfriend how much it bothers him when she spends one-on-one time with her male friends.

In all of these examples, what is essentially happening is taking what you can get and not advocating for more out of fear of losing something, even if that something isn’t all that great to begin with.

While the desire to be with someone is high, what cost are you willing to pay to not be alone?

In the above examples, I’d venture to say that the cost is too great. While sacrificial love does cost us, in these examples it’s the wrong kind of sacrifice. We are all called to live sacrificial love, not to be confused with lowering standards and accepting less than you deserve based on fear.

I’ll pause to acknowledge that it is hard to hold out for what you deserve. Look around, society is organized and oriented towards couples! As a single person I’m sure you’ve felt that stigma—sometimes not even being invited to events that are couples only; or even if you are, feeling like the odd man out (literally) when you are one of, if not the only, single one there.

Being single these days takes guts, and demands a level of confidence in yourself. And yes, sometimes it would be much easier just to be with someone…anyone! But I’m here to speak the opposite.

Nothing worth having comes easily.

As C.S. Lewis says, “our willingness to wait shows the value we place on the thing we are waiting for.”

How amazing would it be to date someone that you are with because it is them specifically? Be open to people and willing to let go of unrealistic expectations, of course, but take a gut check to really ask yourself why you are with or are interested in this person.

Do you simply like being liked? Or do you like and care for this person above others? Do they call you to more? Can you foresee a life together where you continually challenge one another and grow into the saints God is calling you to be?

A former client of mind said it best—I think my boyfriend just wants a relationship, but I don’t feel like he really cares about me. Don’t be with someone just to avoid loneliness and rejection. Don’t pay that cost. It’s a scam and it’s too high of a price to pay. Take courage in your singleness and wait until you, and the other, are truly drawn to one another.