Common Dating Advice That Isn't Helpful (And Some That Really Is)

There’s a lot of dating advice floating around out there that is not exactly effective.

You know very well how telling a single person “it will happen when you least expect it” is pretty much meaningless advice. Other bad advice, like timing your text messages or playing-hard-to-get may sound like it works, but in practice actually doesn’t help at all. And advice columns that tell you that you need to change yourself or compromise on your personal values in order to find a partner are just plain wrong.

Here are 5 pieces of dating advice that aren't helpful, and 3 that actually are.

You Are Too Picky

“You are too picky!” “Your standards are too high!”

You have probably heard this advice from well-meaning friends and family in the past. While they mean well, people who give this advice don’t understand how it is important to you to find a partner who shares the same values. Experts say that shared values are the most important aspect of a relationship. If you don’t share the same values or goals as your partner, you will ultimately be disappointed with the relationship and may even grow to resent each other.

It is important to set standards while dating that will lead you towards a partner who shares the same values. Now, it is unrealistic to think that you will find a partner who ticks off all 400 of your smallest requirements for a “perfect match.” However, setting some basic requirements regarding religion, life goals, morality, and ethics can save you time and emotional pain by helping you find a partner who is right for you.

Be Ready to Have Sex By Date #3

Hollywood makes it seem like you should know that you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody by the third date. The truth is, physical intimacy is something that should be reserved for marriage. In order to ensure that both you and your partner value and respect each other, you should wait until you have made a lifelong commitment to each other to have sex.

Sex creates physical and chemical bonds that are incredibly strong. Engaging in sex before you are in a committed marriage could lead to pain and suffering down the line if that bond is broken. According to My Well Clinic, researchers found that couples who waited to have sex until after marriage reported significantly higher relationship satisfaction, better communication patterns, less consideration of divorce, and better quality sex life. 

Get a New Hobby

While developing new hobbies makes you an interesting person, joining new hobbies just to meet prospective partners is not a good idea. Joining hobby groups with the sole intention of romantically pursuing the group members is a bad look. You might make others uncomfortable by coming on too strong, and you will ostracize yourself from a group that you could have potentially enjoyed being a part of.

If they can't handle you at your worst, they don't deserve you at your best.

It goes without saying that this piece of advice is a little toxic. If you have unhealthy habits, inconsistent morals, or you treat others poorly, nobody is obligated to put up with that. Just because you have the potential to be a good partner does not mean you are entitled to act poorly towards others.

Make sure that when you are dating, you hold yourself to the same standards as you hold others. If you would not tolerate somebody standing you up on a date, don’t do it to them. And remember that there is always room for self-improvement through prayer and meditation.

The Relationship Should Be Completely Equal

This is, in theory, good advice. In practice, however, it can create conflict if partners are constantly counting tit for tat against each other. In a Christian relationship, we are called to love generously and selflessly. This means that we should be putting all of our emotional energy into loving our partners at all times, regardless of reciprocation. 

For example, you might think that it is unfair if one partner in a relationship does all the cooking for the household, while the other does no cooking at all. On the surface, this disparity may seem unfair. However, perhaps the partner who does the cooking loves to cook for their partner. And the other partner may contribute other support to the relationship that the cooking partner has no part in. Relationships do not need to be a 50/50 split; they should be 100/100 all the time.

Take, for example, a newly married couple who splits the bills and all the housework completely evenly. Then one day, a tragedy befalls their family and the wife becomes gravely ill. She can no longer work to pay bills or stand to do chores. Should her husband abandon her now, because she can’t contribute her fair share to the household? The answer is no! We are called to love wholly and selflessly in Christian marriage, and our dating relationships should emulate this as well.

3 Pieces of Good Advice

It Doesn't Matter Who Makes the First Move

With online dating in particular, it doesn't matter who makes the first move. Whether you are a man or a woman, you should feel comfortable sending a simple message to start the conversation. While some women may not feel comfortable flat out asking a man on a date, it is socially acceptable and should not be balked at.

If you are a woman and still don’t feel comfortable coming right out to ask out the guy you like, you can definitely drop signals to clue him in that he should make the first move.

Pray Together With Your Date

Whether you are in the early stages of dating, or in a committed relationship, praying together is extremely important. It helps us bond spiritually and discern our relationships with each other and God. Praying together with your partner can also help you both grow in your faith and figure out if your values are compatible.

Be Upfront About Your Goals

Talking about the future early on in a relationship is important. At this point in your life, you probably don’t want to waste time dating people who don’t share the same goals as you do. Be honest with yourself and your partners about what you are seeking out of a relationship. Although you may have heard that this is a topic that should be avoided early on in relationships, it’s actually quite the opposite. If talking about the future scares someone away from a relationship with you, it wasn’t meant to be anyway.

And, there you have it, 5 pieces of advice you should take with a grain of salt (or, avoid altogether) and 3 pieces of advice you really should take to heart!