Do You Have Chemistry? A Quick Guide to Tell If You Do

When you first meet in person after connecting online, there’s a ton of stuff you have to consider.

One of the most important is, do we have chemistry?! You’ve probably spent your fair share of evenings analyzing everything about your date, trying to decide if you have what it takes for a potential relationship.

First, what is “chemistry?” Let’s define it today by breaking it into three simple categories: there’s the “spark,” which is physical attraction. Add on compatibility, which includes things like values and goals. Then there’s a personal/social side, which is more to do with personality and “vibes.” Put all three together, and you have the ingredients for chemistry!

Now, much like cooking, your chemistry recipe will depend on your ingredients. If you mix together things which aren’t complementary, you’ll end up with a big disgusting mess. But, if you make sure your ingredients harmonize, you likely will cook up a tasty dish.

How do you tell if you have chemistry?

There are some very simple things you can look for in each category, to see if what you’re feeling has the potential to go somewhere.

Attraction:

AKA “the spark” or the necessary physical attraction you need in a romantic partner!

• You want to hold hands, hug, or kiss. This one should go without saying, for obvious reasons, but it is truly important you like the idea of being physically near each other. This feeling can happen anywhere between the first date and getting serious—and it is totally individual, different from person to person!

• Time suddenly starts shape-shifting when you’re together. Three hours can feel like three minutes, or one minute can feel like a delightful hour. (Don’t take this one by itself, though, because infatuation alone can have the same effect. Look for it in combination with the other points!)

• When you’re apart, you miss each other. BUT, you don’t spend your time obsessing over what they’re doing, or moaning about missing them. You should notice their absence and miss it, but not become a stalker!

• You flirt! Cheeky winks? Witty banter? Corny jokes? Goofy dance moves? Bring it on! You should enjoy flirting with your sweetheart, and you should feel at ease learning to read each other’s flirting moves, too. (It’s like shared humor, but more on that later.)

Compatibility:

Faith, family, and futures all fit in here—essentially, how does your relationship fit into your real life?

• You live out the values you both profess. It’s one thing to talk about the things you want, and it’s another to actually be living that way—or working towards it. Watch to see if you both live how you say you want to (or are working toward it), or if you just talk about living this way . . . someday.

• You enjoy their company in a variety of environments, not just dates. It’s easy to adore your romance during candlelit dinners and romantic walks in the park. But do you also want to be together grocery shopping, doing chores, during inevitable bad times, or even crises? Similarly, you should enjoy group activities with your sweetheart, too, such as spending time with both your families or friend groups.

• You are both comfortable with the pacing of your relationship and its future goals. Neither of you is either pushing for more or dragging their feet, to the point that the other person feels uncomfortable or protests over and over again. You should feel like you’re on the same page!

Social/Personal:

How do your personalities and feelings fit together?

• Your trusted friends and family give you the thumbs up. Our nearest and dearest can often suss out a bad fit or identify the right one long before we can. Take note!

• You have a shared sense of humor. It’s a great start when you find the same things funny and laugh with each other. Furthermore, later in a relationship, sharing humor will often function as a coping mechanism during tough times, feed your romantic bond, and can even direct how you handle conflict.

• You find it easy to talk together, just you two. A huge portion of marriage is just the two of you together. So what does that look like? Good signs to watch for in conversation include mutual enthusiasm, vulnerability, charity, kindness, and believing the best in each other even during conflict. 

Another helpful pointer is to ask, what does NO chemistry look like?

A total lack in all the previous departments is a good indicator, for starters. Since chemistry is built on the different ingredients each person brings to the relationship, it can take a thousand different forms. But what does a total lack of chemistry look like? When in doubt, ask these questions, and see what the answers hold:

• Do you want marriage more than you want the person in front of you? (This is called “dating your vocation,” and it’s a red flag.)
• Do you feel safe—emotionally, physically, and spiritually—with this person?
• Do you find it physically awkward to be around this person, even after several dates together?
• Are your trusted friends and family waving red flags about this relationship?
• Do you have that gut feeling that something is off, but you don’t know why?
• Would you leave this person if an objectively better one comes along?
• Do you GENUINELY enjoy spending time with this person?

Remember, just like a good recipe, chemistry often comes together over time.

You can’t bake a great loaf of bread in twenty minutes, and you can’t discern marriage on the first date! So give yourself and your date some time. God works through patience just as much as He does through effort. Who knows? If you give your relationship a chance, it might turn out to be the best recipe you’ve ever discovered.