'You’re Too Picky' Is the Most Annoying Advice Single People Hear

“You’re too picky.”

I don’t think anything is more annoying than hearing this phrase from an already coupled up friend. Speaking of which, I’m pretty sure this phrase is exclusively said by people who are in relationships. The scenario usually unfolds when they ask if you’re seeing anyone and you have to explain why your love life’s “D.O.A” as the F.R.I.E.N.D.S  theme song so lovingly puts it.

So then your friend goes into matchmaking mode and starts suggesting mutual friends (as if you haven’t already considered those people or literally any mildly attractive single person.) She may even grab your phone and start looking through your options on dating apps, exclaiming “What about him!?” at every dude who’s profile doesn’t solely consist of mirror selfies and dog pictures.

Only when you’re single do you have to explain why you’re not attracted to someone.

As if you’re scrounging up lame excuses to not get married and live happily-ever-after.

So, after having your love life hijacked and being put on the spot to swipe right or heart a profile, you shrug and tell your friend you’re not really interested in the person she suggested. This is when she pulls out the ol’ “you’re too picky,” card. She gives you the “well, I tried” face, making it clear that you only have yourself to blame for your singlehood.

It’s also implied that she thinks you’re “shooting too high" for someone who’s totally out of your “league.” At this point you’re wondering if you have zero self-perception and might actually be a bridge troll without knowing it.

But in all my years of being single, I’ve never understood why people say “you’re picky” as a negative. In a culture full of incompatible matches, unhappy couples, and broken marriages, isn’t it a good idea to be a little, uhm, dare I say...picky? 

Settling is a huge insult to whoever you’re “settling” for.

“You’re too picky,” insinuates that you’re asking for too much in a partner and need to aim lower—a.k.a., you need to “settle.” If you take the advice to pursue someone you have zero attraction to or interest in, imagine how insulting that is to the person on the receiving end? Nobody wants to be the person you’re “settling” for. 

Going into a potential relationship with a “prove me wrong” attitude is unfair and destined for failure. Every person deserves to be desired and wanted in a relationship and no one should be “settled” for. You’re not doing someone a favor by “giving them a shot.”

Attraction is necessary for compatibility.

A relationship should consist of equal attraction; it’s all a part of being compatible with each other. If you force yourself to be with someone you’re not attracted to, you’re essentially trying to force chemistry and compatibility—two things you can’t control, yet are necessary for a healthy romantic relationship. 

At the end of the day, if you’re marrying this person, you’re also called to procreate with them! (Yes, I just went there.) How crazy would it be to marry someone you don’t want to make babies with?! God literally calls married couples to be fruitful and multiply—attraction plays a big role in this!

Look, I know women tend to feel overwhelmingly guilty when they’re faced with turning down a guy they’re not interested in, especially if they’re not physically attracted to them. There’s a fear of being “superficial” and “shallow”—it haunts us like we’ve committed a sin. But attraction is something we rarely have control over— it’s either there or it’s not. Pursuing a relationship out of guilt is not right or healthy. 

Being single > being with the wrong person.

When someone throws the “picky” word at you, they’re prioritizing the goal of marriage itself over what you actually desire or need in a spouse. Here’s the thing, it’s better to be single than “taken” with the wrong person. When you’re vowing to spend the rest of your life with someone, be picky. Be picky about your compatibility, but most importantly, be picky about your standards. 

Addiction, abuse, and infidelity and very real things that many people deal with after committing in marriage. Yes, no one is perfect and marriage is about growing together through sickness and health. But prior to tying the knot, we should keep our eyes open for red flags. Don’t be blind to them for the sake of pursuing marriage.

When good intentions cross the line. 

We all have that one friend who feels the need to solve our singleness like it's a puzzle to complete. It usually comes from a good place, but sometimes their efforts can cross a line. Matchmaking and talking about boys is fun—but your dating life isn't a game for your friends to play.

Friends are right in encouraging your desire to date. But that encouragement should always come from a place of support, not belittlement or frustration. If your friends cross that line, kindly remind them to respect your dating life.

Set boundaries for the type of input you’ll receive. Identify the kind of comments that make you feel uncomfortable. Don’t let them take your phone and choose matches for you. Don't engage in a conversation about dating if they pressure you to date people you aren't interested in. Just because they’re not single doesn’t mean their unsolicited advice is valuable. 

Take control of your own dating life.

It is important, however, to be active in your own dating life. Don’t be so passive that your friends feel like they have the right to take the wheel.

Get out there and go out on dates! If you want to call the shots on who you chat with your apps, go ahead and start that conversation. If there’s a guy you’ve had your eye on, initiate contact. If you don't want to be single, get things started for yourself! 

When a friend takes your dating life into their own hands, take it back.