Don't Lose Your Passions in the Pursuit of Marriage
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I once went on a date with a guy who couldn’t stop talking about coming home to his kids at 5pm every day.
Which would have been really sweet and endearing—if he had kids. Of course, he didn’t even have a wife—hence going out on a date with me.
I’ll admit that I was impressed by how upfront he was about dating for marriage, it’s not often that you find a guy who is so clear about what he wants. But every time I tried to learn about his passions and interests in life, it always came back to the wife and kids scenario:
Me, “So you went to school for acting and film, that’s cool—what was that like?”
Him, “Eh, I realized it didn’t pay enough to support a family, so I quit.”
Me, “Okay, so do you like your new job?”
Him, “Yeah, it’s great because I can come home at 5pm and play with my kids.”
His life revolved around people that didn’t exist yet. After a while, I realized his only passion or interest in life was getting married so he could have a family. I quickly started to feel like a means to an end—the woman who would allow him to reach his goal of marriage.
Needless to say, the conversation dried up and there never was a second date. This encounter, however, stuck with me. As a single woman in my late twenties, I too can get caught up in desiring marriage so much that it overshadows the actual life I’m living. I forget the passions, talents, and dreams God has given me when I prioritize the goal of marriage even though it’s not even close to being an actuality.
So, how do we balance our heartfelt desire to discern a vocation to marriage with our current reality of singlehood? And why is it such a turnoff to date someone whose only goal is to get married?
Your passions make you more attractive.
As I get older, the more I’m attracted to men who are passionate about their work, hobbies, and skills. Being passionate goes so much deeper than a mere emotion or feeling. Passion implies dedication, expertise, a strong work ethic, and a love for something outside of oneself. Being passionate means you’re willing to fight for what you believe in, for what you love.
All of this is important for relationships because passion is character-building. Passion pushes us to grow and work hard, to get back up after we’ve been knocked down. A significant other who’s passionate about their work or hobbies will also be willing to work for a relationship they’re passionate about. Now, that’s some serious relationship material.
Your passions make you more interesting.
To be frank, it’s boring to talk to someone who has no passion. But talking to someone whose eyes light up when they talk about what they love? It’s infectious and draws you in. Their passion adds rich layers to who they are as a person and it makes you want to understand more of what moves them. Not only that, but passion is contagious and one person’s passion can inspire others to pursue their own.
While you don’t have to date someone who has the same passions as you, you may find yourself especially drawn to individuals who share the same type of passion. Whether it’s within the same genre of the arts, technology, social justice, etc., pursuing similar goals and interests can benefit your long-term compatibility. Our passions also reveal parts of ourselves that are not so easily seen—finding someone whose passions match yours is like finding someone who’s cut from the same cloth.
First comes the right person, then comes marriage.
You have to pursue a person before you pursue marriage. All too often, we have an abstract goal for marriage without actually having someone we’re going to marry. We get caught up in the concept of marriage itself and forget everything that comes before it. Which is what I experienced on that first date.
We may have an inkling that we’re called to a certain vocation, but we don’t know for sure until we’ve found the right person. This is why we discern marriage through dating and religious life through visiting different orders. Your vocation to marriage is confirmed when you make vows to another person, and your vocation to the religious life is confirmed when you make vows with an order. You can’t pursue a vocation to marriage without another person. This is why it’s so important to pursue the person, not just the concept of marriage.
The idealization of marriage.
When everyone you know is posting marriage, engagement, and baby pictures every 5 seconds, it’s easy to fall into the trap of idealizing marriage. Yes, marriage is as beautiful as Instagram or Facebook makes it seem but it’s also incredibly difficult. Marriage calls couples to die to themselves every day by constantly putting the other before themselves. No one is perfect and couples often privately deal with serious issues that they have to work on and get through together.
When singlehood feels like a lonely burden, no other relationship burden seems worse. When we hear about how hard marriage is, it’s tempting to think, “Well at least they’ve achieved the main goal of marriage. Nothing is worse than being single.” But we should remember that the main goal in our vocation isn’t to achieve the vocation itself, but a relationship with God.
Your passions are important to God.
Being single is the time to really pursue those passions of yours. Whether it be singing, acting, painting, writing, film, stand up comedy, hiking, woodworking, sewing, mechanics, photography, politics, guitar, whatever—dive into it and enjoy it for its own sake! Sometimes singlehood can feel like an endless waiting period, but your passions aren’t a meaningless pursuit. Your personal interests, dreams, and goals are important to God—He gave them to you for a reason!
Once a spouse and children become a priority in your day to day life, it’s harder to make time for your passions. Now is the time to get moving on that book you want to write, the project you’ve been itching to start, or the marathon you’ve been wanting to run.
God may have an important task that He wants you to pursue specifically as a single person. Your passions and gifts are all part of God’s plan—go seek them out.
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