8 Things Singles Don't Want to Hear (But They Need To)

So you’re still single. And you HATE it.

You feel like you’ve tried every trick in the book, and nothing has “worked” to lead you to love. What are you supposed to do now?! The way forward is probably going to be uncomfortable. If you truly, deeply feel called to marriage, you have to take a look in the mirror. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, are you blocking your own way to true love?

Maybe you aren’t; maybe you are. The only way to find out is to do some serious soul searching. How can you know if you’re the reason you’re single? What’s the difference between being in your own way, and simply having not found the right person yet?

Take a deep breath, because this is going to sting: If you refuse to address your own issues, you are the problem.

Ouch. Sorry. It had to be said. It doesn’t mean you are worthless, unloveable, or shouldn’t get married. It just means you have things you need to take care of before you’re ready to date your way to the altar. What are some of the most common issues?

1. You aren’t dating within your values.

Or, even worse, you don’t know what your values are. What does Catholic marriage mean to you? What are your beliefs, your values, and your life goals? What kind of spouse are you intending to be, and what are you looking for in another person? You should be able to answer these questions and be living out your own values. Then, you should be involved in dating pools where people share these values.

2. You haven’t looked in the mirror—the real, physical mirror.

Sorry to break it to you, but looks do matter. I’ve written about this before: not everyone is a Victoria’s Secret model, and not everyone will attract a Prince Charming. And that’s perfectly fine! Attraction and chemistry is far, far more than the sum of physical features.

The problem comes in when you expect dates to be physically perfect, no matter what you yourself look like. This stains your view of potential romantic partners, and sabotages what could otherwise be a great romantic connection. Real people trump imaginary ones, every time.

3. You have a laundry list of expectations for a significant other . . . and none for yourself.

Do you have a six foot long list of dating requirements? If you do, your romantic life might be six feet under for a reason. You could have expectations for physical features, careers or jobs, social standing, personality traits, favorite music or movies, a specific prayer style, the list could go on.

A good thing to ask yourself is, how do I look in comparison to these expectations? It’s easier to see where you’re being realistic and where you’re being silly when you compare yourself against your list. (Dating standards are different than unrealistic expectations, by the way.) 

4. You are using dating as a band-aid for deeper wounds.

Divorce, a broken family of origin, mental health issues, a history of abuse, toxic exes and more affect many faithful singles. Every single person is deserving of love and respect, no matter what their background. But, wounds like these have to be addressed and healed before a single is ready for a Catholic marriage.

Are you looking to dating and romance to heal your hurt heart? It won’t. And your dates can sense this. It’s time to put your efforts into getting spiritual and professional help. Heal your wounds first, and then return to dating ready to move forward.

5. Your timing is off.

And I don’t mean you’re just waiting for the right person. Your personal timing could really be the problem! For instance, are you scrolling endless profiles but never going on real dates? Are you messaging for months on end before asking for a simple phone number? Or maybe you suggest being exclusive before you even meet up? What about dating for several years without ever discussing marriage? Dating is supposed to be a process, which means you shouldn’t skip ahead several steps OR stay stuck in the same place indefinitely. Aim for a sedate, steady pace instead.

6. You seek convenience over connection.

In other words, you might not be willing to make sacrifices for a relationship. This can be any level of sacrifice! It often looks like refusing to try long distance dating, or not being open to a bigger age gap, or rejecting people who have demanding careers, or not giving single parents a chance. Are you looking for someone to fill the significant other slot in your existing life? Or are you looking for a person to whom you could give your life?

7. You ignore red flags.

Maybe your trend of dating the wrong “type” is actually your problem. Do you say you want marriage, but keep dating men who only want flings? Do you ignore her lack of faith because she’s cute? Do all of your exes have the same traits, or do your breakups all seem like variations on a theme? You might be blind to others’ red flags. Time to do some reevaluating.

8. You’re coming across as desperate.

This is completely regardless of whether or not you actually ARE desperate, by the way. You could be asking for commitment before meeting in person, talking about your future kids on the first date, saying how you just want to be married already. Maybe you really are feeling pushed to the brink of singleness, or maybe you’re just trying to prove you are marriage material. Either way, it’s pushing your dates away, because you seem interested in a relationship status instead of your date.

There are many, many more possibilities than this list.

The whole point is, if you feel stuck in your singleness, it’s time to look at yourself. What are YOU bringing to the dating table, and is there something on your plate that turns people away? Doing some reflection and examining your dating history can help you immensely.

Also, don’t go this alone. No man is an island! Turn to your best friends, your nearest and dearest, or your trusted parents. Enlist your spiritual director, a counselor, or married couples you respect—if you are on good terms with exes, you could go to them, too. Ask for feedback and advice, and then listen to their answers. Often, those closest to us can pinpoint problems far more easily than we can! It might sting to hear criticism, but it can help you more than any dating app can.

Finally, take all of it to prayer. God can and will direct your dating life, especially if you are willing to change yourself for the better!