How Long Should You Date Before Getting Engaged?

So you think you’ve found the person you’ll marry?

Or perhaps you’re back from a first date, and you’re wondering how far ahead of yourself you’re getting. Maybe you’re single as a pringle and merely looking to learn more about Catholic dating! Whatever the case, you’re asking the question: how long should a couple date before getting engaged?

First off, a word of caution: this question hints at the need to rearrange your perspective. The focus on when you can get engaged or married shouldn’t be your priority in the dating world. Your focus should be with whom.

I won’t get on a soapbox here. This is your friendly reminder that arbitrary timelines are just that: arbitrary. Finding the right person and being prepared for marriage is the important part, which no timeline can predict.

Okay, on to the actual question. I’ve written before on when a dating couple should start talking about marriage, and it boils down to two things: 

a) you (as a couple) building trust together over time, and 

b) you (as a couple) talking about the principles of your relationship specifically. 

In said post, we covered the importance of building a solid trust over a period of time, and discussing how your expectations and values affect your specific relationship. I believe this is still a very good rule of thumb to follow before you start talking about marriage.

As we touched on already, your primary focus should be on your personal relationship with the other person, not on a timeline. After all, it doesn’t matter how long you date; if you don’t build trust and form a relationship with shared principles, you’ll never be ready for engagement and marriage!

That’s all well and good, you say, and you probably knew all this anyway. Let’s get on to the good stuff already!

How long should you date before you put a ring on it?!

Let’s break this down a bit: Is there a minimum time to date before getting engaged? Is there any recommendation for Catholic couples to follow? How do you know if you have dated long enough to propose?

The short answer: technically, there is no minimum time. BUT, for those who want to build a good Catholic marriage, there are some questions you can ask yourself to determine whether you should keep dating a while, or if you should head to the nearest jewelry store.

First, did you know each other before you started dating?

Typically, if a couple were friends for a year or two (or ten) before they started dating, it’s reasonable for them to consider engagement earlier than their strangers-until-date-one counterparts. Given you are reading this on CatholicMatch, however, this might not apply to you currently!

Second, how frequently do you spend time together?

Couples who can spend time together every weekend will have a shorter get-to-know-you timeline than long-distance couples, or those whose work schedule is grueling, or couples in grad school, etc. Keep in mind, no matter how often or long you hang out, it doesn’t “make up” for the time if you didn’t know each other in a preexisting context (college classmates, a friend group, you get it.)

My point is, if you can’t see each other frequently, you will likely need to tack on some extra months before popping the question.

Third, what does the Church say?

When in doubt, go the Catholic route! Priests generally won’t marry an engaged couple earlier than six months out. This allows for proper marriage preparation and deeper discernment by the couple. Why not take this traditional Catholic rule and apply it to dating? I can’t think of any couples in my life who would have benefitted from getting engaged earlier than six months into dating. Time won’t hurt the right thing, after all.

Fourth and finally, how long would you like to be engaged?

Engagement is not marriage, and it has its own discernment to get through. Consider how long you might want this period to be. If you believe engaged couples should marry quickly, take your time with dating and consider proposing later. If you’re happy with the idea of a long engagement, you could quickdraw the ring box earlier. Remember, just because you’re engaged doesn’t mean the discernment is over!

It also might be helpful to go over some signs a couple isn’t ready to get engaged.

Here are definite signs you need to wait longer before ring shopping:

• You haven’t talked about all of your “big deal” topics (you know, like religion, values, expectations, kids, finances, etc.)

• You feel unsure if you want to keep dating this person . . . for any reason!

• There’s an outstanding issue to be addressed (think a pornography addiction, waiting on an annulment, shared parenting with an ex, etc.)

• You haven’t been involved in each other’s lives, and only know each other in the context of one on one dates

• Your relationship exists almost exclusively online or over the phone (think long-distance, cross-global relationships)

• Something just feels “off”

• Trusted family, friends, priests, and/or spiritual directors are concerned about your relationship

Whatever you choose, there’s really only one thing you need to worry about: it’s far, far more important to choose the right person than to choose the right time. Keep that in mind, and trust God with the details.