Are Your Dating Standards Principles or Preferences?

What exactly do you want?

I recently watched a Father Mike Schmitz video on Ascension Presents where he talks about a concept called principle versus preference. This video is primarily about making decisions with another person, whether that be in a marriage, a family, or even just between friends. The whole idea is exactly what it sounds like: knowing what is objective truth or a moral point (principle), and what is merely an opinion or taste (preference).

I think we can apply this idea to how we approach dating. I’m not talking about making decisions as a dating couple, because the biggest benefits are found if you consider principle versus preference far earlier. We can take this concept all the way back to singles who don’t even have a date in sight. How?

Dating standards. We always hear about them. Don’t set your standards too low or you’re settling! If your standards are too high, you’ll end up in the grass-is-always-greener cycle and never find someone! Though both of these are true, I think they miss the key element in the first place.

What are your dating standards and how did you come up with that list?

Why do you have the standards that you do?

That’s where the whole principle versus preference thing should come in.

Essentially, principle versus preference can be used as a simple framework to set dating standards which both keep you from settling AND help you commit to a good match when you see it. Both problems solved at the same time! Knowing what is your principle and what is your preference is that magic key to unlocking proper dating standards. 

Okay, since you’re reading this on CatholicMatch, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you already have the principle of faith on your dating standards list. (Genius, I know.) Let’s take a look at some more common standards in Catholic dating circles.

• Practicing Catholic
• Wants a big family
• A professional ____________ (fill in the blank with your choice of career)
• Smart and funny

With a little variation here and there, these are all very common things people look for in dates, right? And usually, they’re on to something. There’s a reason we are looking for those qualities! Faith is the foundation of marriage, children are the fruit of marriage, etc. All good things.

But where this list will let you down is in failing to identify exactly what you mean when you think of those things. And it gets dangerous because, as Father Mike Schmitz pointed out in the video, “We can often pawn off our preferences as principles.” 

Why is that a bad thing? And how can you tell the difference?

This is easiest to see when we look at certain situations:

• Yes, obviously you want to date practicing Catholics. But do you find yourself declining dates because they don’t go to the Latin Mass—or because they do? You claim your standard to be a practicing Catholic, but these stipulations seem to say you want someone who prays exactly like you do.
• Welcoming children is a cornerstone of Sacramental marriage. But does that mean you have to both want eight kids in order to be a good match? Maybe the number of kids is a preference, whereas the real standard is for your date to be open to life. 
• Everyone needs to support themselves, and men especially are under more pressure to be able to support a family. Does dictating only certain careers really help you identify whether someone has the work ethic you are looking for? Because in the end, that’s what dictates a strong provider. 
• What do you mean by “smart and funny?” In good marriages, both spouses are generally on a similar level of intellect and humor. Does that mean they both were homeschooled, or both have the same university degree, or both love dry wit on the BBC? If you look for only certain qualifications without embracing variety, you cut out all kinds of brilliant and fun people from your dating circles.

See what I’m getting at? Most of these common standards can be clarified by asking “why?” When you look for the “why” behind your dating standards, you will go from thinking of preferences to the underlying principle. And those principles should make up your dating standards, not your preferences.

Why is this important? (Look, we’re already asking the right questions!)

With solid, defined knowledge of your principles and standards, you will know three things.

1. You will know yourself and what is truly important to you, without passing off your opinions as objective fact.

2. You will know when you are being tempted to settle for something less than what God has planned, because someone who doesn’t meet up with your underlying principles will not be a good potential for marriage.

3. You will know how to embrace variety in your dates instead of always looking for greener grass over the fence (a.k.a. inability to commit). In fact, you will probably be surprised with how many different people will rise to your standards without fitting your exact preferences!

Maybe that entrepreneur without a college degree might be more than smart enough for you, if in a different way. Why freak out at a difference in the exact number of children you want, if you both agree that God is in control of how many children He blesses marriages with? You like Latin Mass while she has never donned a chapel veil; but if you both love the Lord and the Catholic Faith, these differences might make you both stronger.

It’s these variations that make relationships and marriages beautiful. If everyone was looking for a carbon copy of themselves with the opposite set of chromosomes, how would we learn and grow? God has great plans for you, and they certainly don’t involve staying in your own isolated bubble of preferences and opinions. He will push you outside of your comfort zone and into the greatest adventures of your life. But only if you let Him!