God, I'm Ready For My Spouse. Here's My Checklist.

Dear Mary Beth,

When I was single and praying that God would send me the right man to be my husband, I used to chatter off a list of specifics that I wanted my future husband to have. One was that I wanted him to be close in age to me. I would go on and on about how important it was for him to be around my age. One day while I was chattering off that incessant list of must-haves, I heard an inner loud and harsh voice say to me “DO YOU TRUST ME?” I knew it was God speaking to me. I shuddered and cried and said YES, I TRUST YOU! And from then on, I prayed only for God’s will, particularly when it came to finding the right man for me. And I prayed for acceptance of His will. If we are not doing His will, we will never find happiness. So, when I met my husband, I was surprised to learn that he was 9 years older than me! He looked my age!  I remembered back so many years ago when God said “DO YOU TRUST ME?” God obviously knew who my husband was and He knew that he wasn’t around my age.

Happy I Trusted God

“Happy” didn’t ask me a question. She just wrote to me to tell me about how she met her husband. But I wanted to share this part of her letter, because I think she brings up an important point that we may not think about enough.

The question is this:  How do we pray as single people?  And, more specifically, how do we pray around our search for a spouse?

St. Grady, patron of spouse hunting

I am quite certain that a good 95% of us pray in the traditional single way: “St. Anne, St. Anne, find me a man.” (Or, as a guy once told me me, the male equivalent, which is: “St. Grady, St. Grady, find me a lady.” This may be less helpful, as while it is possible that Heaven is full of wonderful gentlemen named Grady, none of them is currently included in the canon of the saints.)

We pray for God to send us somebody. We shop novenas, looking for the “right” one.  (“St. Joseph didn’t help me. I’m moving on to St. Michael.”)

Sometimes, as our friend above did at first, we lay out criterion. “I don’t just want anybody,God. Find me somebody who fits this description.” And then we wait. We go to parties. We scan the room at the young adult meeting. Or perhaps we stay  at home waiting, as Dr. Phil once said, for that specific someone to “stop by the sofa” and sweep us off our feet.

And when God doesn’t deliver, we get annoyed. Because people keep telling us that God somehow guarantees everybody a spouse, and yet the clock is ticking and that person has not yet arrived.

What do you pray for?

It’s no secret that I do not subscribe to the decidedly un-Scriptural “God promises everybody a spouse” school of theology. But I do think that some of us may be sabotaging God’s efforts in this regard, by not letting him participate more fully in the process.

What specifics do you pray about in your dating life—online or otherwise? When you were putting your profile together, did you pray about what you would say? Did you pray about your criterion? Have you ever prayed about the types of people you would be open to? How old they are, what they do, where they live, how much education they have?

What about when somebody asks you out? Have you ever prayed about whether God wants you to be open to this person? When you start to get serious? Do you ask God if He wants you to continue in the relationship? When you break up, do you bring God into that decision?

I think a lot of times, if we were honest, our prayer would look like this:  “Thy will be done, Lord.  But please don’t make it too inconvenient for me.” Don’t make me travel. Don’t take me out of my comfort zone. Don’t make me get used to somebody who doesn’t fit my daydream.

Maybe God has somebody He’d love to see you with. But if you are running off making all of these decisions without His input, He can’t guide you there. I know, God can do anything. But He doesn’t override our free will. He won’t necessarily go where He isn’t invited.

And if you aren’t prayerfully inviting Him into your day-to-day dating decisions, you may be missing what He has for you.

My two cents

My advice is twofold. First, start to pray over the little things. Go back over your profile. Ask God if there’s anything He wants you to change, any additional areas He wants you to open up. Pray before communicating with people. Pray before responding. It doesn’t have to be a long, involved, “wait for the voice of God” discernment. (Although if you’re getting serious and contemplating marriage, you may want lean a little more heavily in that direction.)  But ask for His guidance.

And second, while you’re doing that praying, ditch the “build-a-spouse” prayers. Pray, as Happy did, for openness to His will.  Pray to see what it is. Pray for the grace to respond to it.

Once you do that, who knows what God may have in store for you!

Editor's Note: In the meantime, if you need some encouragement, a new perspective, and some new friends, come to Dallas for the National Catholic Singles Conference!  You will have time to pray, time to share meals, hear great speakers, schmooze, dance, and just have a good time with a community who knows what you're going through! Be aware that registration for NCSC is more than 85% full. The regular ticket price ends on September 15th, and will increase after that.  If you're on the fence, now is a good time to act.