A friend of mine is head-over-heels for his girlfriend, which happens to be his first relationship in over a decade.
His previous “girlfriend”—if you could even call her that—was someone he took to prom his junior year of high school. After a couple of years in college, this friend of mine (we’ll call him Max), spent several years in a religious community. He discerned out before taking final vows, and is now back at school finishing his degree. The first week of classes, Max met Jenny—and several months later, he took her out on their first date.
“Please be patient with me,” Max told Jenny, as their relationship soon became exclusive. “I haven’t had much experience with dating, so I don’t exactly know what I’m doing.”
Having spent a good deal of time around Max and Jenny since their relationship began, I wouldn’t be surprised if it soon led to an engagement, followed by a strong and healthy marriage.
So, this really gets me thinking… what role does previous experience play in a healthy romantic relationship?
From the beginning of our dating lives, we’re often told to “date lots of different people.” Experience leads to wisdom, some say. But chances are, you might have clicked on this article because you are not unlike my friend Max. Maybe you haven’t had much dating experience, if any. And perhaps you’re concerned that with every year that passes, there’s less and less of a chance for a healthy and happy marriage in your future. If you can’t even go on a date with someone, how are you ever going to meet “the one?”
But let’s think about that for a minute: just because you haven’t experienced something before doesn’t mean you’re less of a person, like some damaged goods. Plus, what exactly is “previous dating experience,” anyway? It’s actually failed dating experience. Any romantic relationship that is in the past failed for one reason or another. It’s true that we humans can—and do—learn from our past mistakes. There is definitely value to learning what not to do when it comes to a relationship. But is failing the only way to learn those lessons?
In my dating history, there are plenty of experiences and relationships that I wish I could erase from my past entirely. The only thing I might’ve learned from them was who not to date and what not to do. Were those valuable lessons? Perhaps. But were they essential lessons in preparing me for my marriage? Probably not.
If we can learn something from Max, it’s that previous relationship experience does not always matter.
What matters more is knowing yourself; having the humility to realize that you might fail, and yet the courage to take some risk. I think what Max told Jenny when they first started dating couldn't have been more perfect. Relationships—especially marriage—are all about being patient with each other. Forgiving each other's wrongs and pushing one another towards holiness.
And by the way, Max is not some outlier in the history of dating successes. I know many friends and acquaintances who are happily married to their first and only serious relationship.
So how do you grow in self-knowledge, humility, and courage...making yourself a better partner for when that person does come along?
Here are a few ways to prepare yourself for a successful romance (no previous experience needed):
- Spend daily time with the One who knows your heart best. Knowledge and love of God is the only thing that leads to true knowledge of self. Taking daily time to grow your interior life will not only form your self-knowledge, but it will give you virtues that are attractive to others. Learning to hear the voice of God in all circumstances aids in making better dating choices when the time comes.
- Invest in your non-romantic relationships. Many of the skills needed for a successful marriage are transferable from other close relationships in your life. Take time to cultivate a few close friendships with people of both sexes (even your family members). Grow in your communication skills by maintaining long-distance distance friendships. Participate in a small-group bible study or faith sharing group, aiding in your emotional intimacy.
- Get out of your comfort zone. Romantic relationships—and even moreso marriage—are all about sacrifice and self-gift. Volunteer at your local warming shelter or food bank. Babysit your married friends' kids while they go on a date-night. Get off of your couch and encounter others in all different circumstances. This will grow your ability to see others as willed for Love's sake, and to appreciate people's similarities and differences.
Above all, don't give up.
If you haven't had any dating experience before, don't ever count yourself out. Maybe you've been spared from a whole bunch of heartaches that you're much better off without. With these tips put into practice, plus the example of my friend Max, I hope you've gained a little bit of assurance that it's never too late.
Or, perhaps you've had loads of dating experiences which all ended in "failures"...don't count those or yourself out either. God allows us to go through every experience for a reason.
Whenever you do find yourself in the dating game, whether for the first time or for the 30th time, remember this: in the end, only one successful dating relationship is needed for a happy, lasting marriage!
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