How to Spot a Catholic Guy in the Wild

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Ah, the Catholic man.

If you’re a woman looking for a good Catholic guy to settle down with, you may feel like he’s actually a rare, mythical creature.

“Yes, children, gather round to hear the tale of the Catholic man—the one where he guards the young maiden’s heart, always texts her back, doesn’t tuck his polos into his jeans, and has a healthy knowledge of Lord of The Rings but doesn’t speak Elvish fluently.”

Perhaps you’ve seen one in real life (but of course, he was already married) or stumbled across one whilst perusing Facebook (obviously, also married). Or maybe you’ve never seen one, but the legend of the Catholic man lives on thanks to your high standards and unwavering moral values. (Funny how those high standards simultaneously serve us while also biting us in the butt).

But what if the Catholic guy you’ve been looking for isn’t actually that elusive?

Now, I know your ears just perked up a bit. A couple months ago, I posted an Instagram story asking, "What are some classic traits of Catholic guys?" The responses I got blew my mind. Women from all over the country responded with traits that described the exact same guy—the Catholic guy.

As I got responses, I’d screenshot and re-share on my stories to my followers. I could almost hear their laughter and disbelief through the phone.

“I’m in a room with my girlfriends and we all know guys just like this,” “I wish you were on my campus right now, you just described half the guys here,” “Oh my gosh, this is my boyfriend!” “I can’t believe other women know guys like this!”

Without further ado, you may know (or be) a Catholic guy if (he)...

1. ) Pretends to be a connoisseur of ‘good whiskey and cigars’ amongst his guy friends.

Said guy friends must leave womenfolk to sit outside and discuss whiskey and cigars...what they actually talk about, we’ll never know.

Cigars

2.) Posts photos of himself smoking a pipe while reading C.S. Lewis.

They don’t really buy into social media, buuuut a profile pic needs to be updated every so often for accuracy, right?

3.) Asks if you want to go to confession together.

“Let’s get some sanctifying graces, babe.”

4.) Takes you out for 2 for $5 fish filet deals at McD’s on Fridays in Lent.

But you know, it’s a Friday in Lent, so nothing over-indulgent like a Chick-fil-A Filet.

5.) Buys you a claddagh ring.

Is the type of guy who actually knows what claddagh rings are...

Close up claddagh ring

6.) Suddenly transforms into an Irish Tenor whenever The Parting Glass comes on.

Also has a bizarre affinity with Irish culture, regardless of whether they’re Irish or not.

7.) Looks like a lost member of Mumford & Sons.

Probably thinks he is a lost member of Mumford & Sons.

Did newsboy caps ever really go out of fashion in Catholic guy world?

8.) Knows how to juggle somehow.

We think this might have to do with Catholic boarding school, but one can’t say for sure.

9.) Insists on playing his bodhran at every party he goes to.

Again with the Irish culture.

10.) Celebrates feasts days with fancy beer.

Also makes it clear that he was into craft beer before it was cool.

11.) Partakes in Exodus 90.

“No, it’s not like CrossFit or P90x...women just can’t understood, it’s about brotherhood and asceticism.”

12.) Owns lots of tweed vests.

Found at ‘J.R.R. Tolkien Outfitters.’

Tweed jacket image

13.) Plans vacations around holy sights.

“I made a map so we can visit every church along the way…so, 20 churches today and 30 tomorrow.”

14.) Always plays ‘Wagon Wheel’ on his guitar at parties.

The official un-official Catholic guy anthem.

While we may all chuckle at these seemingly cliché commonalities, there’s a heartwarming kinship in knowing our Catholic world really is quite small. Or perhaps more specifically, that Catholic culture certainly exists.

I believe every woman who read or contributed to my Instagram story felt an unexpected closeness to each other, even though they had never met—well, at least I did. As for the elusive Catholic man, who’s really not all that elusive: the myth has been disbanded, but legend lives on.

It appears we have Catholic guys pegged. But don’t worry, if you're a Catholic guy reading this, we like you in all your faux Irish glory. Just maybe stop tucking in your polos.

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