Why Won’t He Ask Me Out?

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Hey... I've been there too.

We’ve all had that one person you like, and it’s pretty clear he likes you too. (I use “he” for simplicity, although this can happen to men too.) You’re not dating, but you’re not just friends, either. You've been messaging online for weeks or months, tingling with anticipation when each new note arrives.

Maybe you see each other over coffee breaks at work, or walk to classes together. Perhaps you’re even hanging out one on one for dinner or study sessions. You’re both single, so it’s only a matter of time, right? But no matter how often you feel that spark between you, he just hasn’t stepped up to the plate.

texting

“Why won't he ask me out?!” you plead to your friends. Your friends have lots of good ideas. Maybe he’s shy, perhaps he’s unsure that you’re into him, maybe he’s just not ready, or *shudder* perhaps he doesn’t like you after all. Any one of these things might be true. But you just don’t know for sure.

Here’s the frustrating reality: you might NEVER know for sure. And, honestly, that’s a good enough reason to move on. What huh? you might ask.

It boils down to this.

If he won’t ask you out (or if you’re male, she won’t give you a straight answer to your date invitation), then he doesn’t like you enough to make a relationship work at all. Inability to commit to a date is the same as not interested enough in you. Sure, there might be some interest there, or you wouldn’t be stuck in this not-quite-dating thing. But it’s just not ENOUGH interest.

It’s not as complicated as we like to pretend. If someone doesn’t ask you out because of ____fill-in-the-blank____, it means ____fill-in-the-blank____ is bigger than his feelings for you. We can justify and provide excuses for him all we want. He might even provide some of his own reasons:

“I like you as a pen pal, but I don’t want to date long-distance.”

“I’m dating around and don’t want to get serious.”

“I need to graduate before dating anyone.”

“I’m trying to discern if I’m called to seminary.”

non date

Are these good reasons to not date? Sure. It doesn’t change the fact that you won’t be dating anytime soon. Props to the men (and women) who communicate with you and talk about the situation; they’re good people. But since they won’t commit to a date, they are not a good choice for you.  

Maybe you find yourself crushing on someone right now. Maybe you’ve been the one who just didn’t reciprocate the romance. Maybe you’ve been hurt in the past and are scared it will happen again. Maybe the memory of that one almost-relationship is derailing your dates today.

Wherever you are in the cycle of this, the fix is to move on.

Here are a few easy but powerful things you can do to move on AND prevent this from happening again.

1.) Stop pre-dating someone if you aren’t actually dating.

This would be the one-on-one coffee dates, the “hanging out” alone together for hours, or the intense heart-to-heart messages you share. This stuff opens up your bonding emotions into a noncommittal, ambiguous relationship.

Pouring your heart into someone who is only vaguely interested is a recipe for pain and drama. Instead, you can ask for clarification of your status—be brave and bring it up with the non-boyfriend. Ask where this is going, ask if you are dating, and see what he thinks. If he doesn’t want a part of a romantic relationship, stop treating him like a romantic partner.

2.) Redraw your boundaries.

boundaries

You know there’s a difference between friends and dating. I’m actually a huge advocate for friends-first romances, but that doesn’t mean you should treat every friend of the opposite sex as your significant other. That’s just handing out free samples of your heart to anyone who passes by.

Instead of ignoring boundaries in the name of getting to know each other, remember to treat single friends as if they were already taken or married. Maybe this means hanging out in group settings only. Maybe you stop talking on the phone. Perhaps you save those deep emotional conversations for your girlfriends instead of him.

3.) Date other people.

It should really go without saying, but don’t commit yourself to someone who has no interest in committing to you. Even when you stop pre-dating and redraw your boundaries, you can still get stuck in the waiting-for-him-to-change-his-mind wheel. Not healthy. Getting out there and meeting other people is a great way to move on and remind yourself that this one person is not your only option for a future. Plus, you’re giving other great singles a chance in the dating game. There are awesome people out there, so go on real dates with them instead.

4.) Trust.

All of this rests on trust in God’s plan for you. 99% of the time, you and the vaguely interested party will drift away from pre-dating and settle comfortably in the friendzone. Great! Now you’re both free to pursue real relationships, and still enjoy each other’s company appropriately. Be okay with this. 1% of the time, though, something else happens. Ironically, redrawing boundaries and dating other people signals you value a relationship enough to treat it as something special. And this is attractive!

If the guy who won’t ask you out is actually into you, he will probably be forced to determine once and for all if he wants to take his shot—or sit back and relax. If he kicks a real relationship into gear, sweet! But don’t count on it. Either way, be okay with where God takes you next.

As always, pray about it.

Remember, it’s not your job to force romance where it isn’t happening naturally. Trust that when the right man comes along, he won’t let anything get in the way of your relationship. Men (and women) move across the globe, start new careers, and perform other feats of heroism just to pursue their beloved. And a significant other who prioritizes you above all else is worth waiting for.

You can find one of those people, and more importantly, you can learn to be one of those people. After all, isn’t that how you want to build a marriage?

Find Your Forever.

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