Mr. Perfect Isn't Coming, So Give Mr. Really Good a Chance

How often do you ever only want one of anything?

The different shades of lipstick at the Chanel stand at Nordstrom, super cozy sweaters from Loft, girlfriends to call up and meet for coffee…when do we really just want one? I can’t ever seem to make up my mind, and while it may not be the end of the world to have three awesome (though slightly overpriced) shades of lipstick at a time, this mindset is a definite problem when it comes to dating.

Can I be satisfied dating one person at a time?

“It only takes one!” This is the famous line of one of my closest girlfriends who just celebrated her 3rd wedding anniversary with two kids in tow. In some ways, her tag-line brings me so much comfort. She’s right! I don’t have to figure out the whole liking-dating-engagement-marriage thing with more than one person. I just have to do it right once. It takes a lot of the pressure off!

On the flip side, I am a millennial who struggles with a false notion of freedom, in that I want all of my options open to me at any given point in time. And by committing to just one, I necessarily un-commit to all the others. I cannot intentionally date more than one man at one time. I cannot have the good qualities of one man and simultaneously have the good qualities of another. I only get one.

But will I ever find the one? I don't want to compromise! Am I too picky?

So, if I only get one, it better be the best one, right?! If I’m supposed to commit the rest of my dating years to one guy followed by a lifetime together, he better be pretty darn amazing.

I can’t think of any department I’m willing to bend on—he has to share my faith, he has to have a good job, I want to connect with him on an emotional level, and, let’s be honest ladies, I want to be attracted to him! Are all of those things so much to ask?! I have held out this long, and God loves me and wants to give me everything. And though I know no man will ever be perfect, he’ll be perfect for me.

So, once, I did find one that was close...but not perfect. Could he still be THE ONE?

Now I know everyone’s story is different. And I am not here to advocate lowering your standards and dating men who simply aren’t up the task of being your lifelong companion. But I do raise a challenge to this mindset, one that I learned the hard way through my own experience.

Let’s call him Andrew. Initially starting off as good friends, we were equally yoked in our faith, shared the same vision for what a potential marriage would look like, had this instant emotional connection, his character was the kind of stuff knights are made up of, and man did he ever pursue me!

Sounds like a fairytale, right? It definitely felt that way—but then real life hit.

Andrew had struggles and wounds from previous relationships and events in his life that made me question his ability to be the man in my life (remember I am looking for the best here). Plus, the relationship necessarily had to start long-distance; and, the straw that broke the camel’s back, he was a whopping two inches shorter than me.

I distinctly remember sitting in the ladies’ bathroom at a wedding we were at together, so distraught to the point of tears and thinking, “How can this be it?” Overwhelmed by all these negatives, I decided to end it. It just shouldn’t be this hard.

Anyone will always just be good enough—except God—and that is His plan.

While I had many people in my life compliment my brave decision to follow my instincts and trust in God’s plan for my life, after months of prayer and true self-reflection, I came to realize that the decision was not necessarily brave or heroic, but a panicked frustration that Andrew wasn’t everything with a side of chips.

Again, I’m not knocking people’s decisions and discernment. I know that break-ups are hard and often are done heroically as the best thing for both persons. But sometimes, they’re done in pursuit of an unrealistic ideal that doesn’t exist.

In my case, my quest for perfection had led me to become my own worst enemy. There is no such thing as the perfect person, and the discernment of marriage is not equivalent to the quest of finding that perfect person (who again, doesn’t exist). Instead, you should look at a person holistically, flaws and all, and ask yourself, “Does this work?”

On this side of Heaven, perfection doesn't exist.

In case you were wondering, I came to my senses.

With the test of time I’ve come to find how what I initially tallied up as deal-breakers in Andrew are actually part of what makes him so good for me—even the long-distance and height difference (but that’s another post for another day). If I could summarize my experience in one phrase it’d be this: don’t let perfect become the enemy of good.

Perfection doesn’t exist on this side of heaven. You do only get one, but then again, all it takes is one! And to get to that place with just one person demands a true examination of your ideas and expectations.

Don’t be afraid to commit to imperfection. It will pull you and stretch you in all sorts of ways you’d rather not have ventured. But in the end, the reality of an imperfect person gives you so much more than the false idea of the perfect man ever could.