The Dreaded Talking Phase: What Is It And How Do You Navigate It?

So, the “talking stage.”

The stage where you’re not dating, but you’re not just friends either. Perhaps you’re still messaging back and forth on CatholicMatch. Or maybe you’ve exchanged phone numbers and are texting. Have you even got some video chats under your belt? Or, heaven forbid, you’ve met up for coffee a few times but nobody’s calling it a date. The talking phase is any time between meeting online and defining your relationship.

Now, essentially, the talking phase isn’t inherently bad. Especially where online dating is concerned, some level of small talk and get-to-know-you chit-chat is common and even essential. You’ll need to get the ball rolling on whether there’s some mutual interest, or if you have similar goals and standards. (This is the point of dating profiles, by the way–they take some of the effort out of this!) The difficulty comes when you are trying to discern if the talking is going somewhere, or when it’s stagnating.

Stagnating is when the talking phase is simply filling the need for attention. Are you always behind the safety of a screen when you connect with this person? Is one of you texting but never calling? Hanging out but not committing to calling it a date? The talking phase is comfortable and low-risk. It’s tempting to stay there because it’s easy. You don’t have to put yourself out there, face rejection, and wonder if they’re feeling the same way you are. But easy is not always good. You want a real, faithful relationship! And those involve effort and risk.

So, how do you navigate the talking phase? How long should you “just talk?” When is it time to move on to greener pastures? Whether you’re the one feeling hesitant, or the one trying to get this show on the road, there are a few things you can do to make the most of this phase, without letting it become your whole dating life.

Put a time limit on it.

How long have you been just talking? Then, ask yourself, how long are you willing to “just talk?” Figure out your own comfort levels before deciding whether or not to kick someone to the curb. Maybe you’re okay talking on the phone for a few weeks, or even a few months, before you get to that first date. Maybe you’re fine with a couple of meetups before saying the words “date.” Do some self-reflection and see how you feel. Then, start keeping tabs on how long your potential dates are “talking” with you. Would you like to speed things up? If so, the time has come to. . .

Be bold!

What’s the best way to get a date? Ask for a date. If you feel like things are moving like a snail in stop-motion, it might be time to kick this thing into gear. Initiate moving forward and see where it takes you! If you’re the gentleman, this can be as simple as saying, “Hey, I’d like to talk in real-time. When’s a good time to grab coffee?” Or if you’re the lady, and you’re hoping he’ll take the reins, throw him a softball: “So are we going to keep playing cat and mouse, or are you going to ask me out pretty soon? ;)” Throw in a winky face or a smiley face so he knows you’re being playful, not petty. And if you’re already hanging out in person, it might be time to sit down and have a serious conversation about why you’re not calling this dating.

Stop taking a first date so seriously!

If you insist on waiting a certain number of days, weeks, or months on the calendar before you can go out, you might be the problem. A first date is simply coffee or an hour to get to know each other. It’s not a proposal, and it’s not discerning marriage! So, take the pressure off yourself. Enjoy casual coffee. I promise you’re not leading anyone on or committing to anything after just one date. 

Ask WHY.

There are legitimate reasons why a talking phase might last longer than you want. Is there a significant distance between the two of you? Is he deployed overseas? Does she work nights? There might be a real, tangible reason you can’t move things along faster. That’s fine! Don’t ditch a good connection based on your own convenience. (Example: my husband and I were 700 miles apart, and our talking phase lasted five months because of this!) You only have a problem if there is no obstacle, and the other person seems to be avoiding meeting up or committing to a real relationship. This is why it is important to. . .

Recognize red flags.

The talking phase can help you spot some red flags if you pay attention. Has the other person made three or more excuses for why they can’t meet up? Are they reluctant to put a real date on the calendar? Do they keep canceling on you at the last minute? Are they sporadic or inconsistent in communicating? Do they say they want to pursue romance with you, but don’t follow through? These are all signs that this person isn’t looking for a relationship with you. They might be looking for romance, but either they lack some of the basic skills necessary for dating, or they’re simply looking to you for attention without a relationship.

If you take just one thing from this article, I want it to be this: try to keep the talking phase short and sweet. This will look different to every person and every situation, or course. Simply do your best to move the connection forward early on. If you can reasonably video chat or meet up in person, do it. The talking phase might be necessary in small portions, but there’s no need to overdose on it. Keeping things moving forward is the best way to see whether you’re a good connection in person, not just on a screen.