How to Cultivate Emotional Intimacy When You're Single

Emotional intimacy: something we all desire?

The human person has basic needs—food, water, shelter, and the drive to procreate. Without these, we—both individually and as a greater society, won’t survive. If you’re sitting on a computer or phone somewhere reading this article, I think it’s a safe bet that these basic needs have and are being met. These are what we need to survive. And clearly, you’re surviving.

But what about the other things? The sort of things that make that survival worthwhile? I realize that, as a counselor, my very profession inclines me toward this realm, but the main term that comes to mind is emotional intimacy. I would venture to say that the need to be connected to others is just one small step above the basic needs for food and water.

The fact that the primary survivors of the concentration camps during the holocaust were found in pairs further proves my point. It’s this connection to others, the support and love that is mutually provided, that makes the sacrifices worth enduring and life worth living.

[click_to_tweet tweet="The fact that the primary survivors of concentration camps during the holocaust were found in pairs further proves that we need connection to survive." quote="The fact that the primary survivors of concentration camps during the holocaust were found in pairs further proves that we need connection to survive."]

How to find emotional intimacy...

I’m probably not saying anything that new. One quick look inward at your own heart would likely echo this sentiment. Which leads me to my next point. Where does one look to meet this need for emotional intimacy? As a single person, I ask this question primarily from a single perspective, but I know it applies to other walks of life as well.

What about religious men and women? People in less-than-ideal marriages? Or even people in great marriages whose spouse is absent on deployment or business? People whose spouse is enduring an illness, medically or mentally, and can’t be available on an emotional level?

The need to be emotionally connected is so great, yet as I look at the world around me, the means of meeting it seems to be so limited. The desire to be connected is so strong, yet so much of life is spent alone. What gives, God?

[click_to_tweet tweet="The desire to be connected is so strong, yet so much of life is spent alone." quote="The desire to be connected is so strong, yet so much of life is spent alone."]

I have a three-part answer, or I guess I should say start-of-an-answer, and the first part starts with my last question: God.

1. I am continually reminded that this earth is not our home.

It is a transient and necessary place to (hopefully) get us to our final destination, which is heaven. As soon as I get comfortable, I forget that goal. This longing for communion continually brings me back to God.

Realizing that, regardless of my relationship status, it is He and only He who can ever fully understand the depths of my heart and respond to it fully and completely. That relationship takes work, but when I am giving it my all, I have experienced the authentic relationship and intimacy that He provides me—that He is longing to give me.

No matter where, no matter who I am with or without, God is a constant. By developing a relationship with Him, this need can be partially met here on earth, with the promise of full communion in heaven.

2. Turn to (rather than in) yourself.

Think about it, we spend a lot of life alone, and every moment of it with ourselves. That’s a lot of time, so one can see the necessity in developing a healthy relationship with yourself.

The first step to meeting your needs for emotional intimacy is being aware of what they are. What am I desiring of another person? What are the parts of my heart that I want to share with another? By taking an inventory of your own emotional state and needs, you also take ownership of them. That ownership implies that you can invite another person into them in a healthy way.

[click_to_tweet tweet="We spend a lot of our life alone, and every moment of it with ourselves." quote="We spend a lot of our life alone, and every moment of it with ourselves."]

3. Don’t put your support for all of your emotional needs in one basket.

It’s true, I don’t think our need for emotional intimacy can ever be fully met here on earth (refer back to point # 1), but it is likely to be met in a greater degree if you seek it from multiple different places. As a single person, I know that spending intentional time with my siblings, nieces and nephews, and friends, as well as my significant other, is vital to meeting this need.

People do let you down, relationships inevitably change, and having other places to go to maintain a sense of connectedness is so crucial, and can’t be done if you are seeking emotional intimacy solely in a romantic relationship.

Again, I likely am not saying anything new. We can all recognize our interior desires for closeness and emotional intimacy. Being aware of that need, along with the fact that it can never totally be met here on this earth, gives us direction on where to go with it.

We can turn to God, foster awareness of our emotional needs within ourselves, and seek to fill the need in multiple types of relationships. This need for emotional intimacy is vital to the human person, so seeking it in a holistic way, regardless of your phase of life, is what takes us beyond simply surviving to flourishing.