I met my boyfriend last February online on another dating site.
Sorry CatholicMatch! Just keeping all of my doors and windows open! At first, I didn’t recognize the location that he’d written down. So, I googled it and realized that he was living overseas. That didn’t deter me in the slightest.
After reading through his profile I messaged him only after a brief moment’s hesitation, which had nothing to do with his location and everything to do with a cynicism that I had developed after, ahem, a substantial amount of time online dating. I technically sent him the equivalent of an emotigram with no message attached. I fully expected him to ignore me. It took him three days, but he did reply and I was thrilled.
We began corresponding by messaging back and forth on the site and eventually started Skyping after he asked me to go on an online date. We met in person for the first time about four months after sending our initial messages. It nearly ended there with us going our separate ways until, thankfully, he risked reaching out to hold my hand as we hiked up a mountain.
Until that point, we were extremely nervous, neither of us was reading each other very well, and both thought that the chemistry just wasn’t there for the other person. Guys, a little piece of advice: If you like her, reach out to hold her hand. If my boyfriend had not done that, I’d probably still be single right now and he wouldn’t be gearing up to move back to the states this summer.
Make your move. Don’t wait.
As I reflect on these last few months I realize that one of the first benefits of entering a long-distance relationship is that it has taught me that overthinking is a hindrance and action is essential.
As a chronic over-thinker, this has been a tough lesson to learn. Normally, if I saw someone interesting online I would agonize over what to message them which either resulted in a long, painful process of coming up with something say or I’d eventually decide it wasn’t worth the risk and not message the person at all.
Fortunately, in the case of my boyfriend, things went a little differently. When I came across his profile I immediately liked him. He was super cute and I liked what he had written, so I messaged him in the simplest way possible (not much thought has to go into sending an emoji). The whole time I was thinking that it wasn’t going to go anywhere anyway so why waste my time stressing over coming up with something witty to say.
I may have made the first move, but my boyfriend took it from there and has been guiding our relationship forward since then. He didn’t wait for months on end to ask for a Skype date. He didn’t wait to suggest that we meet in person. He didn’t wait to book his trip out to my city to meet me. And when he realized that we were about to go our separate ways, he acted by grabbing my hand and innocently expressing his interest in me.
So, now that brings us here—nearly nine months later.
Everyone says that long distance relationships are tough and everyone is right.
There are, however, at least three more unexpected benefits of having a long-distance relationship that I think are important to share. If you have some hesitation about messaging someone who is located far away, let me reassure you that the difficulties are worth it if God is leading you toward this person.
1. If you’re contemplative like me, long-distance relationships give you more time for introspection.
When we are in the presence of someone with whom we are very attracted physically, mentally, and spiritually, it is hard to think of anything else. It’s easy to get caught up in our feelings and our eagerness to be with this person as often as possible. None of which is a bad thing.
This can present a problem though, if you never allow yourself time alone with God to discuss the path that you and your beloved are on. In my own experience, the distance has actually drawn me closer to God as I have had to rely heavily on Him to help me through my bouts of loneliness, impatience, and doubt.
2. Another benefit is learning to meet each other’s needs from afar.
Figuring out a way to show this person that you care about them when you are not physically able to be near them, is something that will benefit the relationship in the long run. The distance will also give you a chance to develop your ability to express your love in a language other than the one in which you are dominant.
If your dominant love language is physical touch or quality time, you and your significant other can work on learning to express your feelings through words of affirmation or gift giving. Write letters, send text messages, or send care packages.
3. Finally, your long-distance relationship can result in a stronger friendship with one or more of the saints.
Good communication skills are essential if you’re going to succeed long distance. Becoming a good conversationalist, appreciating each other’s sense of humor, and connecting with a person on a purely mental level really makes it clear whether or not you like someone’s personality.
What I didn’t realize was how often I was going to turn the saints when those lines of communication broke down. Skype freezing mid-conversation, dropped calls, and loss of internet connection are all big issues and ones that you will inevitably run into (I’ve found that the Blessed Mother and Saint Anthony can be especially helpful here).
One of the traditions my boyfriend and I have is to begin each weekly Skype date with a rosary and a prayer to Mother Mary. This has helped me to reconnect with her. Over the past few years, my relationship with the Blessed Virgin had begun to fade into the background of my life. Truthfully, the rosary has never been something that I’ve chosen to pray regularly either. If not for our current situation, and my boyfriend’s much more disciplined attitude toward prayer, I don’t know that I’d be as close to Mother Mary as I am now.
Ultimately, you’re the one that has to decide on whether or not you think it is possible to have a long-distance relationship. It’s going to be difficult. But God can still use that time and that distance to help each of you to grow individually and as a couple.
