What Is "The Spark" And How Long Do You Wait for It?

57

“I don’t know, Cadence,” my sister said.  “He’s a really nice guy, and I want to give him a chance.”

“But do you have that spark when you’re together?” I asked. Her shrug was more than an answer.“I don’t know,” she sighed, sitting back in her chair heavily. “People always say that it can take a while for a spark to happen.  But how long do you wait for it? Or what if you never feel it? Is it just something people make up as an excuse to never commit to anything?”

At that point I had no answer for her, because wow, that's an intense question!

I don’t know about you, but most of my girlfriends (including myself) had to wrestle with the idea of an instant “click” between two romantic interests. It’s something we all wanted and agreed was important. But what exactly was this “spark?” We didn’t really know.

How could we recognize it? Not sure.

How long should we keep dating someone until the spark shows up? One date? Five dates? Tenth wedding anniversary?!

Let’s start with the first question about what this “spark” is.

Yes, the “spark” is a very real feeling. The simplest way to define it is chemistry between two personalities—it’s that charm you feel when you meet another human being that you really get along with. I’m not just talking about romance, here, either! Think about your best friend, the one you can go for months without seeing, but then you meet up again and pick up right where you left off.

Think about those people you have on speed-dial, who you immediately want to tell when something exciting happens. You know that vibe of mutual excitement, that thrill of joy with them? That’s chemistry between two personalities. And yes, I believe it is an important part of romantic relationships—that same feeling we’re looking for in dates is often what we already know in our best friends.

Some people can have this spark with almost everyone, and some people click with almost no one—maybe you have twelve best friends, or maybe your brother is the only person who really understands you. The trick to using this knowledge in dating starts with knowing whether you have the knack of recognizing personality chemistry, or if it’s not your strong suit.

Okay, so “spark” = chemistry between two people, got it. How do you recognize it when it happens on a date?

The answer isn’t dependent on the other person; it is highly dependent on your own personality. Going back to the friends analogy: think about when you first met your best friend. Did you feel that instant spark between you and just know that you two would get along great? Or was it a slower development that happened over time, and eventually you two came to rely on each other more than you’d ever expected? Neither of these instances is wrong, and both can be awesome.

Remember, chemistry happens differently for different people. My point here is to use your personal predispositions as a reference point for your date. This is the first time you’ve met them, after all, so don’t expect it to be glaringly different than how you hit things off with new acquaintances—hopefully with the element of physical attraction thrown in. Overall, you can recognize the spark in a romantic date pretty much the same way you have found chemistry in other people in the past. Not so hard when you think about it that way!

Now for the toughest question.

How long do you wait for that “spark” to pop up?

A particular misadventure of mine involved me ignoring the lack of spark for far too long, which turned into hurt for my date when I belatedly broke things off. I learned a good rule of thumb for how long you can safely wait for the “spark,” though. That rule is: judge by how invested the other person is. In other words, you can wait for it only as long as the relationship stays fair. What does that look like?

If you’re like my sister and know instantly if you have a “spark” with people (and this instinct has proven to be reliable through the years) you might be able call a bad fit on the first or second date. Simply tell them nicely and both of you can move on.

That being said, if you can feel that “spark” instantly and know this could go somewhere, do NOT propose, elope, or do anything else drastic on the spot! Common sense needs to balance your feelings, so don’t throw caution to the winds. Yes, you can tactfully broach the idea that you are quite interested in them, as long as you respect whatever their feelings are in return.

If you need some time to get to know each other and see if you two have chemistry, just say so!

You don’t want someone who takes your unsure silence as disinterest, or worse, passion. If you’ve been on more than one date, open up this discussion. Then you can revisit it on future dates, to determine if you both find the “spark” as you go, or if you two just aren’t a good fit. If you’re in this situation, and you do determine there’s no chemistry, end the relationship. Don't string along a nice person under the guise of “just waiting to see if there’s chemistry” when you know it's not there.

Even if your date agrees with your level of chemistry, watch to see if they behave accordingly. Actions speak louder than words! Someone might verbally agree that there's not a “spark” yet, but the constant bouquets of flowers and a premature “I love you” would clearly indicate otherwise. Or, someone might second guess their quick infatuation, and doesn’t want to be exclusive even though they said they liked you.

In situations like this, simply end the relationship if you see things getting too one-sided in either direction, whether it’s you or them.  Trust that God has a plan for your dating life, and if the relationship isn’t a good example of charity or trust, it’s not the right one.

If you're curious about my sister, she decided to end that particular relationship. We talked a lot about all the stuff you just read, and she concluded that she was inadvertently leading someone on. Nowadays, she’s used her knack for quickly seeing that “spark” to find a relationship that’s right for both herself and the young man she’s dating. You can do the same thing—all it takes is a little self-awareness, some bravery, and some trust in God!

Find Your Forever.

CatholicMatch is the largest and most trusted
Catholic dating site in the world.

Get Started for Free!CatholicMatch
— This article has been read 14201 times —