The Catholic Dater's Guide to Crushes

They couldn’t get any more attractive.

Seriously, who has a right to a smile that perfect? Such natural charm? They probably don’t even know how adorable they are. And they’re always so nice to you. If only things were a little different. What if…?

You know these perfect people. They circle on the edges of your thoughts. They crop up at the most inconvenient times. They make you question your romantic choices and wish your love life were different. A.K.A., they are your crushes.

Most people go through at least a couple of crushes in their lives, even if they’re in a happy relationship themselves. The most inconvenient thing is that crushes don’t seem to take into account whether your object of admiration is romantically available. Heck, you may not even know! And when you have a crush, there seems to be no getting out of it.

But there are a few simple questions to help turn this crush into a relationship, or to shoo it out the door for good.

“I have a crush. So what?”

First, be honest with yourself and acknowledge that you have a crush. Then take a breath and calm down. A crush is just a feeling, a glimmer of admiration for someone of the opposite sex. It is not a sin in itself. Attraction to others is normal.

Also, it’s important to recognize here that just because you admire someone does not automatically make them worthy of admiration. Unless you know this person really well, you can’t be a good judge of their character. A crush clouds reason and can make you project all kinds of great traits onto someone who may not possess them. So, while you’re being honest about your feelings, also be honest about how your crush may not be the one for you, anyway.

“Is this person available or not?” Ah, the crux of the matter. You have to be brutally honest here. Answers like “yes, but they’re not happy together” or “it’s complicated” don’t count. It’s either yes or no, black or white, regardless of how “complicated” it may seem.

If this person is single and you are single, there is the potential for a relationship (assuming any annulments are finalized.) You can actually act on your feelings a little! Be open to the possibility of a relationship, without forcing the idea. Be friendly and kind. Chances are, if the person returns your feelings, you’ll end up on a date in the future. (If they don’t return your feelings, you’ll figure that out by their lack of response.)

But draw the flirtation line well before baring your heart or fawning all over him/her every time you see each other. Desperation is only attractive to people who want to use you. Be classy and be open to what may come!

But maybe the object of your affection is dating someone else…or worse, they’re married.

First off, DON’T PANIC. You are not the first to have a crush on a married person. Yes, you probably feel absolutely terrible admiring a taken person, and you’ll beat yourself up about it. But remember, your feelings are not sins in themselves. What matters is what you do. Which in this case should be absolutely nothing. I repeat, if you have a crush on a taken person, don’t do anything to pursue them.

If you struggle with that, ask yourself, “Do I really want to ask this person to leave their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse and be with me instead?” As the book Dateable says: “If he/she will do it for you, he/she will do it to you.” This is. So. True. If he (or she!) will leave his significant other for no reason other than to date you, he will leave you for another person with just as much ease. You don’t want a relationship built on being “forbidden fruit.” There is no security there. (Tangent: I would highly recommend this practical book to any teen entering the dating world!)

“Can I live my life normally or do I need to make some changes?”

If this crush is something that you can’t pursue, you can continue your life as-is and wait out the untimely crush. Usually, time will make it disappear, so be patient. Carry on living well, and try not to spend all your free time thinking about this crush. Even if your crush is single, daydreaming about what-ifs and wouldn’t-it-be-nices will only pull you away from reality. Similarly, if you spend all your time thinking about how you hate having a crush on a taken person, you’re still focusing on the crush.

If you feel that, in changing nothing, you will be in danger of starting an affair with someone (which involves the other person returning the crush and a whole string of bad choices), you may need to make real changes. A great way to start is to spend your time with other people.

Spend lunch break with someone other than the dreamy coworker. Hang out with friends over the weekend instead of stalking your crush on social media. Try online dating, and meet other people. This will remind you that your crush is not the only fish in the sea—especially if your crush is a fish already in a net. Find free fish instead.

Overall, your course of action when you have a crush doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. If it’s something that could work out, treat it that way. If your crush is taken (or you are taken), don’t pursue it! With honesty, time, and a few simple changes, crushes will fade away as easily as they came. Be patient, focus on what God is trying to do with your life right now. He has a plan, with or without your crush, and you have to wait on His timing for it to unfold.