When Old Wounds Get in the Way of Dating

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Has this ever happened to you?

Guy meets girl. Guy asks girl on date. Date goes well—really well. The next 10 dates go well. Soon, guy and girl are a “thing.”

Months pass in new-relationship-bliss until suddenly one day...BAM! Out of nowhere, guy breaks up with girl. “It’s not you,” he assures, “I just need to work through some things.”

Wait… why?

This scenario played itself out a couple of times in my dating past, with a couple of different men. And don’t get me wrong—these weren’t your typical “player” guys—they were good, Christ-following men who let one thing control them when the relationship got more serious: fear.

And instead of addressing the fears, they let those fears turn into doubts. Doubts like, “There’s no way this will continue to go well…I should end it before anything bad happens.” Or, “If things get more serious, I’ll have to be more vulnerable, and I’m not sure I can do that.”  So instead of fighting through those fears and doubts, they decided to flee. This in turn caused fear to take hold of me in my subsequent relationships, creating a vicious cycle.

Where does it come from?

These fears or “relationship anxiety” usually have one origin: wounds. Wounds from past romantic relationships, friendships, childhood—you name it. Wounds, specifically emotional wounds, are created oftentimes without our realizing, and commonly remain long after we thought we were “over it.” Here you are, dating a wonderful person, when suddenly, your past wounds begin feeding your fear and doubt.

You may start experiencing anxiety about letting your significant other into the deeper parts of your heart, but have no conscious understanding as to why you’re struggling. This leads to doubt and eventually the action of ending a perfectly good relationship. Our wounds, when not properly addressed, can take on a mind of their own and fuel our thoughts, emotions, and even decisions.

How to stop the bleeding

Just like a physical wound, emotional wounds will not heal properly on their own. First, the “bleeding” has to be stopped. This begins with finding the source of the wound. Oftentimes, the source rests behind a lie that we believe about ourselves. This could be something like “no one will ever love me” “nothing good ever happens to me” “I don’t deserve to be happy” and so on. When you catch yourself listening to these lies, you must ask yourself: from where are these lies originating?

Sometimes we don’t know or can’t remember, and it may require some deeper reflection in prayer, on a retreat, or time with a counselor or spiritual director. Jesus wants to heal us of all our wounds, so simply praying daily for the freedom from past hurts is a good place to start in uncovering those deeper, hidden wounds.

However, it's not enough to simply discover the source of the wound—for a wound to heal, “medicine” has to be applied. We are blessed to have the gift of our faith in aiding this type of healing when counseling or therapy alone is not enough. For a wound to truly be healed—completely—a Divine touch is needed.

This is where the role of a good healing and deliverance ministry comes into play, as well as more of my story….

How I found healing

Struggling for years in relationships with wounded men who in turn caused wounds in my own heart, I knew I needed to let Jesus take charge. Shortly after ending a year without dating anyone, I attended a retreat. This retreat centered on uncovering the wounds in one’s heart and letting Jesus heal them through a process of healing and deliverance.

The idea, from the Catholic perspective, is that in the midst of each wound rests a demon who is “holding” you to the source of the hurt. No amount of time, experience, or self-help will cause that demon to leave. Usually, not even the sacrament of confession is enough to clear it out, because we are often not aware of the hold the wound—and the demon—still has on us. This does not mean we are possessed and in need of an exorcism; rather, it uncovers the truth that wounds have their root in sin and evil. "Jesus said to them, 'This kind can only come out through prayer.'” Mark 9:29

Deliverance targets the wound and gives the demon an immediate eviction notice. This involves a step-by-step process, done in prayer with the help of a priest or trained layperson. It typically consists of an expression of: faith in God’s goodness, forgiveness of self and others, renunciation of the wound and the lies that come from it, claiming authority in Jesus’ healing power, and receiving the Father’s Blessing on the newly healed. While on this retreat, I walked through the steps of healing and deliverance from my emotional wounds.

By letting Jesus take charge of those wounds and clear the demons out, I was finally able to feel some freedom from the fear in my relationships. Shortly after that retreat—in fact, I think it was the week after—I began dating my future husband. Had I not received the freedom from the wounds of my past, I certainly would not have been ready to enter into that life-changing relationship.

Start today. Heal your relationship anxiety and find freedom from your past wounds—it will be the surest way to a successful relationship and marriage. Talk to your parish priest about deliverance prayer or how to find a ministry to help you, and also consider reading this, this, or this.

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