3 Reasons You Shouldn't Fear Long Distance
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Everyone seems to have an opinion on whether or not long distance dating can really work.
Can it truly be a healthy, enjoyable process and end in a happy marriage with two people who love one another? These opinions are colored by people’s own experiences of long distance dating—some experiences that are horrendous (I have heard some frightening stories), some that were not awful but not great, and some that were fantastic.
If you haven’t tried long distance dating yourself, it’s likely you know someone who has either found great success or horrible failure in it.
I am in the camp that declares that yes, long distance dating can really work—and beyond that, I am in the camp that says that long distance dating was the best thing to ever happen to my husband and me. Here’s why.
I met my husband on a trip for work in early 2013. But it wasn't your typical work trip.
This wasn’t a work trip to Wisconsin or Florida; I didn’t just fly just a few hundred miles. I was living in California and met my husband after I disembarked off a plane in Europe. I was thousands of miles away from home when we shook hands and he said, “Hi, I’m Daniël.” I would never have imagined meeting my husband in another state, much less another country, but there we were, shaking hands in the Dusseldorf airport in Germany, our lives changed forever.
When I returned from our trip, Daniel sent me a message online about his desire to get to know me better and possibly pursue dating. Most people, for good reason, thought we were crazy to even consider the possibility. But I kept my heart open, and we decided to date long distance—and did so for 2 years before eventually getting engaged and then married.
It was a journey with wonderful highs and difficult lows. But dating long distance was a journey that built the foundation for our marriage that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
Here are 4 reasons why you shouldn’t fear long distance dating:
1. Long distance built our foundation of communication that will last forever.
While we lived thousands of miles away from one another, we obviously couldn’t go to the movies, we couldn’t go to dinner, we couldn’t hold hands or go on trips together. The one and only activity that we could share in was talking. We talked, and talked, and talked some more.
And I have found the most important part of a marriage to be just that—talking. Communication. Sharing words—words like “thank you,” “these are my expectations,”and, “when you did this, it made me feel this way.” In marriage, communication of expectations, feelings, ideas and thoughts is everything. It dictates how your days go, how the seasons go, and how the entirety of your marriage goes.
No, I am not saying that marriages who never dated long distance always have poor communication—but I am saying that long distance can form incredible communication skills out of sheer necessity.
2. Long distance forces a couple to cultivate and maintain their individual and separate lives.
You may have talked with married couples who have stressed the importance of each spouse having their own lives—their own group of friends, hobbies, interests, and activities. Long distance makes it much easier to maintain your separate identities, activities, and interests because you cannot spend all your time with one another! (Well, I suppose you can, but who wants to be on FaceTime for that long?)
This has benefited our marriage greatly. We dated one another as we lived our very separate lives, and when we married, we were able to maintain that comfortability in one another having great independence and individuality. That is a very important aspect of a healthy marriage, and something long distance forced upon us—and we are grateful!
3. Long distance helped us get creative in expressing our love to one another.
When you can’t go to the movies, share a kiss, bring flowers, or perform other acts of service that can make another person feel loved, it can be very challenging. In long distance dating, you must figure out the other person’s love language...is it letters of love? Is it gifts? Is it spending time together over Skype?
We had to figure out what made the other person feel loved, and put extra effort into making that happen. That involved sending packages, letters, or sometimes an occasional sweet email to his work inbox during the day. That involved some special occasions where we would dress up, prepare a meal, and set up a table on our end of the Skype call and go on a fancy “date” together. Creativity was key in keeping our relationship fun and interesting, and helping each of us feel like one another cared and had their heart in the relationship.
These are three of the many ways that long distance has benefited our marriage greatly. After three years of marriage, I am certain we will continue to see more of the fruits of our long distance labors, but until then, all we have is encouragement for singles who may be wary to try reaching out to someone a few states, or even a few countries away. It can work and it does work! Don’t be afraid!
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