Your Guide to Online Messaging Etiquette

Getting conversations started online is tough! It takes time, patience, and effort. And when you're first starting out, it is usually quite overwhelming. What should you say? How many people should you message at a time?

Here are some of the most common questions that people have when it comes to sending messages online, and our answers with best practices gleaned from years of experience.

Q1: "How many people should I contact? One and then wait, two and then wait, or several and then wait?"

We recommend viewing several profiles every day. As you go through those profiles, send a message to everyone and anyone who interests you. Keeping in mind that not every single person is going to respond, the goal is to make as many connections as possible, whether it comes out to 1 new connection per day or 10.

As an absolute bare minimum, make sure to reach out to at least 2 people each week.

If you find yourself getting overwhelmed, you can use your favorite profiles list to keep track of anyone who interests you. For more information about how to use this list to your advantage, check out: How do favorite profiles work?

Q2: "When someone views my profile, what should I do? Do I contact them or do I assume that they aren't interested if they didn't contact me?"

First, I want to clear up this very common misconception: When someone views your profile and doesn't message you, this absolutely does not mean that they aren't interested. There are so many possible reasons why they didn't contact you—maybe they thought you might not like them or they didn't have time to send a message right away. The possibilities are endless.

Any time you see someone who interests you, whether they viewed your profile or you found them somewhere else on the site, always reach out to them and let them know.

Q3: "When someone responds, should I stop reaching out to new people until it fizzes out or blossoms? Or, should I continue contacting people until something develops?

Or should I continue with several people until one seems to be progressing beyond a first phone call or first meeting?"

You're going to encounter a lot of people online and offline. Some of them may turn out to be a great fit while others maybe not so much.

Because of that, it's important to continue reaching out to new people regularly until you've had "the talk" with your date about becoming exclusive.

This way, if something doesn't work out in the early stages, you aren't back at square one with your search, but if it does work out, the two of you are both on the same page by communicating with each other that you've reached a point where you'd like to focus exclusively on each other.

Q4: "How long should I wait for a response before moving on to another person?"

There are a few ways to go about this and honestly, there's no right or wrong way to go about it. Many people send a message and then forget about it until they receive a response while continuing to reach out to others. This way, if they don't respond, you aren't wasting any extra effort on wondering why they didn't respond and if they do respond, then you have the opportunity to continue getting to know them. This approach works very well for anyone who finds that they take it personally when someone doesn't respond right away.

Another great approach (and one that I highly recommend) is to wait about a week after sending that initial message and then send a follow up message. Provided you were personal in your first message, a follow up message can be as simple as, "Hey there! I'm really looking forward to hearing back from you!"

In any case, if you haven't gotten a response back yet, don't wait around for a response before reaching out to others who interest you.

Q5: "You mentioned being personal in the first message. What exactly does that mean?"

Your first message is your opportunity to make a good first impression.

If you want to make a positive impression and have the best odds of receiving a response, it's important to make an effort to connect. It's easy to send blank emotigrams or just say "hey," but in reality this shows a lack of effort. If your first attempt to reach out lacks effort, it causes many people to make assumptions about how you'll handle the rest of the relationship and an eventual marriage.

Q6: "What exactly should I say to be personal in my first message?"

I recommend starting your message by mentioning what you saw in their profile that made you decide, "Hey, this is someone who I'd like to know." This might be something that you have in common like an alma mater, a hobby, interest in the same movies or organizations, or it could be something else that they mentioned, like a unique hobby that you'd like to learn more about. By doing this, you're making it evident that you took the time to read the profile and that you're genuinely interested in them.

In your next sentence, ask them a couple of questions that aren't already answered in their profile. If you can, tie the questions in with your first sentence. For example, you might say, "I see that we both went to Penn State! Were you a part of any clubs there?" When you do this, you're increasing your odds of receiving a response because instead of trying to think of what to say in a response, they have that easy opening by answering the question that you asked.

If you're looking for some more ideas, here is a list of ten ways to start conversations online.

Q7: "How do I go from messaging online to meeting face to face?"

CatholicMatch offers messaging directly on the site as a way to protect your private information. Remember that once you share your phone number, email address, or more, that information can't be taken back, whereas on CatholicMatch if things aren't going well with someone, ending the conversation is as simple as placing a block if someone is being persistent. We also run a number of security checkpoints on all accounts to do our part in keeping you safe from scammers and those who may not have the best of intentions.

For this reason, we recommend keeping your conversations on the safety of the CatholicMatch site for at least a week from the time that you begin exchanging personal messages. This way, you have time to get to know them and make sure that you won't later regret sharing offsite contact information with them and our security system has ample time to make sure that they're who they say they are.

Then, when you've reached that point, you can choose to exchange phone numbers, email addresses, or schedule a face to face meeting so that you can begin getting to know each other in an offline environment. While waiting at least a week is very important, it's also important that you avoid waiting TOO long to meet. The longer you wait, the tougher it becomes to get that face to face meeting scheduled and then you end up with a pen pal instead of a potential future spouse. If distance makes that first meeting difficult, at least schedule an online video chat until a face to face meeting is possible.

Q8: "What should I say to the other people I was talking to when I decide to become exclusive with one person?"

If things went well during your first two face-to-face meetings, it's typically time to discuss your "status" with that person. Typically at this time, the two of you will make a decision to become exclusive or begin looking for other people.

If you decide to become exclusive, it's important to be up front and honest with anyone else who you've been communicating with. A great way to express this is by saying, "I've enjoyed our conversations, however, I am going to focus on getting to know someone else exclusively at this time."

By being up front and honest, the others aren't left wondering why you've ghosted them and in many cases, the door is left open in case the two of you run into each other later on, if you should find the need to continue your search after a failed relationship.

Q9: "What if I decide that I don't want to become exclusive with someone or while messaging it's clear that we aren't going to be a good match?"

If this happens, you can very nicely let them know that you don't see a future with him or her. If you aren't sure how to say this, try, "I've enjoyed talking to you, but I don't feel that we would make a good match. I wish you the best in your search."

Hopefully these help you get off to a great start messaging! For more helpful online dating tips, check out our video course Matched.