Should Single People and Married People Be Friends?

Every time my husband wears a particular t-shirt, I think back to our first year of marriage. That t-shirt states in colorful lettering: “Professional Jelly Bean Taster.” The memories associated with that shirt are very dear to us both.

When we got married, I was working at the university we graduated from and my husband was starting his graduate degree there. We carpooled every day and ate lunch together. We loved being able to spend so much time together and easily could have become isolated in our newlywed bubble.

Yet, that t-shirt and the memories associated with it are tied to someone we shared most of our social life with—our dear friend who was single at the time.

The opportunity to spend our earliest days of marriage steeped in friendship with someone else had a positive effect on our marriage and the well-established friendship. My husband and I practiced being friends as well as spouses. Also, our friendship with our dear friend has not only endured distance and time as she now lives several states away with her husband and son, but is stronger than ever.

Do we friend enough outside of our own marital status?

Go ahead and Google “singles married friends” and you will see no shortage of articles which address the struggles in maintaining friendships amongst the single and married.

I have a confession to make: as a couple, we currently do not have any active friendships with singles. Just about all of our long-time friends are married or engaged.

But, how open have we been to new friendships, especially with people in a different phase of life?

I can only offer a sad excuse for why we only have married friends: convenience. It is easier to continue along in our routine as a couple and parents to our children, and to socialize with people who are involved in similar activities. These relationships can be very fruitful, but limiting ourselves to married couples as friends may keep us closed us off from the gifts of diversity in friendship.

The benefits of the "other"

St. Thomas Aquinas eloquently stated,

“The inner life of another that is known to God alone becomes to a much lesser degree open to us through friendship. It partially fills the desire of our incomplete, lonely hearts for completeness in another.

Friendship brings out the best in a person through forgetfulness of self.”

There is a risk of idolizing your married state. Being married is a sacred way to serve the Lord, but clinging so much to its status that your eyes are blinded to your neighbor is contrary to the teachings of Christ.

Married or single...let's take a step outside

If those of us in the married vocation make the effort to look at our neighbor outside of it, then we can forget ourselves and tend more toward a humble and charitable heart. Charity is love of God and neighbor, and as The Catechism states, it “binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

And to the single readers, I think there are benefits for you too in befriending a solid married couple, in addition to “forgetfulness of self” and charity. Stepping into the life of a those living the married vocation could be an excellent way to prepare for your own marriage. And, you should always be able to have a welcome place in a family or families, enjoying their friendship and support as you live out your vocation as a daughter or son of God.

In truth, we can all benefit from the message of St. Thomas Aquinas and do something that is very counter-cultural today: forget ourselves. We hear ad nauseam about how we should think about our own needs, take what is ours, and focus on our own desires.

The singles-couples friendship is a great platform for us to break that pattern and really think about our neighbor. What can we do for them? How can we learn from their unique vantage point? It would help to foster humility by taking a break from ourselves and to open our hearts in recognizing Christ in others.

Different path, same call

Let’s face it. Single, married, or religious, we are all given the same call.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states,

“All men are called to the same end: God himself. There is a certain resemblance between the union of the divine persons and the fraternity that men are to establish among themselves in truth and love.

Love of neighbor is inseparable from the love for God.” 

What truly matters is that we all respond obediently to what God is calling us to do. We should embrace the single and married states of ourselves and others, so we may enjoy that harmony God designed for us.

So, what now?

I will suggest some practical options for both married and single people that I intend to consider with my husband:

1. Look within your own family. Can you extend a dinner invitation to that cousin you’ve been missing? Is there a couple you can invite out for drinks?

2. Invite co-workers to dinner with you. Or, ask them to meet you at your favorite burger spot.

3. Take a moment to call, rather than text, the friend you haven’t seen as much since they got married.

4. Take an active interest in your married friend’s spouse.

5. Ask your single friend about an activity or social event they prefer, and offer to join them sometime.

6. Check for groups and classes offered by your local parish. You may find a new friend (or friends) to connect with spiritually.

With a little effort, we better know and encourage one another, simply as children of God trying to get to Heaven!