We all know that one person—and sometimes, we’ve been that person—who can’t seem to let go of an ex. You really truly feel like there’s something going for you here.
But one, or both, of you can’t seem to make up your mind. Should you keep dating? What if he/she has changed this time around? Do you really want to cut this person out of your life? In short, what should a Catholic do with an on-again off-again type of relationship?
Why are on-again off-again romances a red flag?
If you’re dating just for the fun of it and with absolutely no goal in mind whatsoever, hot/cold relationships would not merit a second glance. I would bet a million dollars that’s not how you are approaching the dating world! You, as a Catholic dater, are probably looking toward marriage and a family in the future.
An on-off-again relationship is poison to this goal. Why? Someone who can’t make up their mind about dating you won’t be able to make up their mind about getting engaged to you, marrying you, having kids with you...the list goes on and on.
It doesn’t necessarily mean this date is a horrible person, but it does mean they have bad potential for marriage with you. And if you are looking to marry one day, you need a committed, steadfast relationship!
How do I recognize a hot/cold date versus someone who’s playing the field?
When you’re messaging online, there’s no need to identify on-off again daters. Most people are talking to multiple people, so don’t stress out at this point. Once you do take that online match into the real world, there are a few easy things you can look out for.
Ask yourself, does this person say they’re interested, but then act uninterested? Perhaps you have a great video chat and both said you want to do it again. Does your date set up another call with you, or ghost you only to return weeks later as if they’d never left?
Maybe you get a few dates in, but things still feel unbalanced. Does this person say they’re interested in a serious relationship with you, but still keeps seeing other people? If you are both playing the field, that’s fine. The red flag shows up when, over time, a date’s words and actions don’t match up.
This is a clue your date is on the fence, and is having issues deciding what or who they want. This is a recipe for an on-off-again dater. Not a great start to a healthy romance, right?
I’m in a hot and cold relationship right now; what should I do?!
First off, a hallmark of on-off again relationships is that there is some potential there. There’s just enough interest, chemistry, or compatibility to have some potential for a relationship. But it comes with a pitfall: there’s not enough to make it into a good marriage. And this takes time to discern sometimes!
Early on, it’s perfectly okay not to be sure whether you want to keep dating someone. Take some time and go on multiple dates to determine whether you want to be exclusive. At that point, you should both commit to following this relationship to its natural end—either a true breakup or the altar.
What you should NOT do is change your mind over and over about being a couple! This will only lead you to a circular relationship that is going nowhere. If you can’t decide between commit or walk away, this is probably the wrong relationship for you.
On the flip side, maybe you’re on the receiving end. You’re hoping your hot and cold date will finally commit to being with you, if you just stick it out long enough or give them another chance. It’s the same answer: there is not enough potential between you both to make this into a good marriage.
You deserve to be with someone who is just as interested in you as you are in them. It might hurt to let go of a person you really like, but if they don’t reciprocate your feelings, it’s not your future spouse.
When should you actually give an old relationship another try?
Sometimes, there are occasions when exes get back together for a valid reason. The key phrasing here is a valid reason. There’s an easy two-step process to see whether this past relationship should be rekindled.
- What was the reason the relationship ended the first time around? Be as specific as you can here.
- Has that reason been resolved?
Being very specific about the first breakup is important! This identifies whether you had a good relationship that hit an objective hurdle, or whether this was not a good match between you to begin with. For example, let’s say the relationship ended because someone felt the call to discern religious life. If that person discerned out and is now reconnecting with you, you can safely say the reason for the breakup was resolved!
Same idea with breakups that happened because someone was waiting for an annulment to be finalized, or if someone was combating a pornography addiction, or if someone wasn’t sure they wanted to convert to Catholicism. Usually, these specific situations are easy to identify; it’s safe to rekindle an old flame if the reason for the breakup is resolved.
On the flip side, let’s say the reason for the breakup is vague or muddy. When things are the opposite of clear, it’s usually not worth dating again. Maybe the relationship ended because someone didn’t feel ready, or because someone felt unsure, or the chemistry was questionable, or someone felt unloved. These are all examples of feelings and personality, which aren’t hurdles to overcome or fix.
Rekindling a relationship in this situation will result in the same relationship as before, and you already know how it ends. That’s okay! This just means you and this ex are not meant for each other, and you should both move on to better relationships.
What is the most important factor to remember in a relationship?
When it comes to on-and off-again relationships, there’s one word you should keep at the forefront of your mind: commitment. One of the most important factors in dating toward marriage is recognizing the importance of commitment to one person and one person alone.
If one or both of you can’t commit to either date or break up, how do you expect to commit to staying married? It’s not a worthwhile pursuit toward marriage, no matter how much promise a relationship shows during the on-again phase. Consistency and commitment are key to a good marriage, and if those are lacking, it’s time to let go.
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