Being single seems pretty straightforward.
It’s a box you check on your tax forms, medical documents, and a status on your social media accounts. You’re single or you’re not. Or so it may seem. However, as is true with most things in life, I think that being single is not typically so black-and-white. I may present as single externally—running a solo status at family and social events—but what’s my internal disposition?
Let me backtrack for a moment. Through both my lived experience as well as taking into account the wisdom of the Church, I have been able to make the distinction between being healthily vs. unhealthily single. While that topic could be its own article, I’ll summarize by saying that what defines one against the other is a sense of openness and freedom, or a lack thereof.
While I can only speak to my own experience, what this looks like in a daily context is being set on an idea of who, where, who, what, who, when… (did I mention who?). In being so intent on the who, even though I may say differently, my heart is not actually open to meeting anyone else who falls outside of that who.
For me personally, that ‘who’ has been past boyfriends, that cute guy I always had a crush on who never actually pursued, or even the guy I told that I liked who never really gave me a direct yes or no back.
In the dating world, there is a lot of gray.
While there are times you do just have to sit in the ambiguity of the unknown, I also think that there are times where you have to take the ambiguity for what it is—not a yes, therefore a no, shut the door, and move on. If you don’t, you’re not truly single. I would argue that, in order to actually be in a relationship, one has to have a period of true singleness beforehand.
I like concrete examples, and again, I don’t say these to point the finger at anyone, but rather I offer these in all humility as they are pulled from my own dating stories and may just resonate with your own experience as well.
What not being truly single might look like is: frequent communication, in any form, with a former boyfriend or girlfriend; keeping tabs on a specific someone via their social media accounts; becoming the pursuer vs. the pursued to the point that the relationship is one-sided; and finally, just being so fixated on a person that clearly doesn’t reciprocate, despite your best efforts to convince yourself that their minimal interest is more than it is.
Again, humbling to admit to ourselves, but the truth is that we’re all capable of this. We’re more than capable—we actually do it. And let’s be honest, it’s hard not to. If you are single and looking to be in a relationship, that desire can be so strong that we allow it to drive us to these unhealthy actions, which in turn put us in the unhealthily-single category.
How do we live the opposite?
How can you truly be single while still maintaining hope that a relationship, and eventually a relationship with someone who will turn out to be that one specific ‘who’ will work out?
I’m not saying to be guarded and shy away from vulnerability in both meeting someone and, if a relationship begins, letting yourself be known by the other person.
Rather, I am speaking to the idea we can create for ourselves and cling to. We need to fight the temptation to console our current status of singlehood in convincing ourselves that it’s only a matter of time before it works out with that specific ‘who', or seek temporary gratification via a text exchange with an ex-boyfriend.
In other words, live in reality. If you are interested in someone and just don’t know where they stand, talk to them about it (gasp!). If they don’t answer in the affirmative, then close that door and move on. If a relationship ended, remember the reasons why it ended, and don’t allow your mind to wander back there when you’re feeling lonely.
Know when it's time to shut the door.
If you are on the edge of your seat for an extended period of time waiting for something to happen with a specific person, realize that it most likely won’t, and again, either talk to them, or shut the door in your own mind and don’t orient your schedule around them. I realize this might all sound a bit harsh, but I passionately believe that it needs to be said.
For without realizing it, by not being truly single, we become our own worst enemy and block ourselves from entering into our vocation. And that is a tragedy.
The world needs you. The world needs your vocation. If you can identify areas where you fall into that internal disposition of not being truly free to meet whoever God wants to bring into your life, then get yourself there.
Shut that door. Empty your hands so that God can fill them. I promise that with true freedom comes peace and happiness. More often than not, we only get that by shutting the doors that lead us elsewhere.
