You Shouldn't Text Your Match All Day, Here's Why
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Have you ever noticed that the beginning phases of online dating usually follow the same formula?
First, you...
- Match with someone on your app
- Start chatting via messages
- Exchange phone numbers and move onto texting
- Begin talking on the phone
- Eventually go out on a date
The thing is, a lot of us abuse number three. If you’ve ever gone from not knowing someone a couple days ago to texting them 24/7, you probably know what I mean—but don’t worry, we’ve all been there.
Getting to know someone online has its own set of unspoken rules; how long should I wait before replying to a text? How many days should I text before calling? Should we FaceTime or just talk on the regular phone? Is it too much to send a DM on Instagram? Will she understand this GIF?
With every technological advancement and cultural shift in digital communication, we are re-adjusting our approach. Getting to know someone via texting can be tricky, especially when it comes to figuring out communication boundaries—something men and women never had to figure out during the golden age of love letters and landline phone calls.
In today's culture, frequently texting the girl or guy you matched with can give the impression of positive progression, but it can actually be detrimental to the development of your potential relationship. Here’s why.
1. It’s easier to create an idea of someone that’s not true.
Have you ever messaged someone and then met them in real life? Were they exactly how you imagined them? In most cases, probably not. No matter how many profile pictures they include or how detailed their bio is, a dating profile only shows a fraction of who that person really is.
Texting may seem like a very transparent means of communication, but it never gives you the whole story. If you don’t have an accurate perception of who the person is in reality, your mind will start filling in the gaps. Texting is still a very curated form of communication where the sender can prepare, tweak, and edit their responses. When we’re trying to impress someone, we make sure we are coming across as perfectly as possible through our texts, which also doesn’t reflect reality.
Ultimately, using texting as the primary means of communication makes it easy to create a fantasy version of your match. You can start projecting who you hope they are, ultimately creating unfair expectations. This sets you up for disappointment for when you meet and they aren’t who you imagined.
2. You create emotional bonds through an artificial means of communication.
Have you ever felt more comfortable texting something personal than saying it in person? Texting provides an avenue for personal sharing, minus the hard part of really opening up to someone in the flesh.
It’s easier to share wounds, struggles, and fears through text because you’re sending it into a faceless digital box on your phone. There’s a level of anonymity through texting someone you just met online, which can give a sense of freedom to open up. This can create emotional bonds that aren’t appropriate for that early stage in the relationship.
3. You progress too fast for where the relationship is at.
Speaking of emotional bonds that can be quickly created via text, texting also has a way of artificially progressing the relationship. As you text throughout the day, you talk much longer than if you were on a 1-2 hour long in-person date. Sometimes you share too much too soon, sometimes you start sending “good night” and “good morning” texts, creeping into bf/gf territory before even meeting.
Sometimes the conversations we share via text in the “getting to know you” phase of the relationship are things we wouldn’t actually say in person. Jumping ahead on the relationship’s timeline can put unnecessary amount of pressure on the relationship before it even begins. All too often, this creates an awkwardness when you finally meet and you realize you’ve created intimacy with someone you only know digitally.
4. Never-ending access to someone crosses the line of respect for personal space.
Back in the day, men and women didn’t have 24/7 access to whoever they were seeking out romantically. Communication between men and women happened via phone, letter, or email; methods that require more intentionality. With texting, we can shoot off text messages and know the receiver will be notified immediately. There’s a sense of urgency with text messages and now, if we don’t respond to messages within a timely manner, it’s seen as a rejection (i.e., being left “on read”/ghosting).
When you’re just getting to know someone, constantly texting them throughout the day (even if they respond) can cross a line and disrespect their personal space. Sometimes we forget that we actually don’t have a right over their time.
5. It will burn you out.
Ultimately, texting all day becomes exhausting and difficult to maintain. If you set a precedent of chatting all day and start texting less out of the blue, it will be seen as disinterest. The best way to nip this potential problem in the bud is to simply set boundaries for when and how you communicate. Getting to know someone you met online requires a healthy balance between texting, phone calls, and video chat.
An easy way to set the standard is to simply say, “I don’t like texting a lot, but I’m free to talk on the phone during these nights of the week!” Offering a more authentic means of communication will always be seen as the more intentional option.
This doesn’t mean you should never text the person you’re interested in, but keeping texts simple is the best way to not rely on texting to progress the relationship. In the end, communicating with purpose will always benefit you and your future relationships.
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