What to Do When You Finally Meet in Person and You Don’t Like Them

After giving online dating a chance, you’ve finally clicked with someone.

You’ve been texting and calling each other for weeks (maybe months), and now you’re meeting in person for the first time. As the anticipation rises, a pit starts to sink into your stomach: “What if I end up not liking them in person?” 

This is the fear of every online dater. That after connecting well online, the chemistry just doesn’t translate in real life. This is especially tricky for long distance CatholicMatchers, who often have to take a bigger risk by traveling to meet someone. 

If this potential scenario is giving you grief, keep these tips in your back pocket—just in case you need to use them. 

1. Remember that dating is trial and error.

If you meet and you end up not clicking, don’t forget that dating is 99% trial and error. In fact, it’s more common not to click with someone simply because it’s incredibly rare to meet “the one” right off the bat. You’re also not alone in this experience. We’ve all had that car-screeching moment where we realize we’re not interested in pursuing a relationship any further. 

Before you even meet, do your best to manage your expectations. Date with the goal of marriage, but don’t get ahead of yourself by investing too much too soon. Remember that first dates are very much a part of the preliminary “getting to know each other” process, even if you’ve been talking online or on the phone for a while. 

2. Remain calm.

“What do I do? We were connecting well online! How is that not translating in person? What if I’m the only one feeling this disconnect?” If your thoughts are spinning, take deep breaths and remember that all you have to do is get through the date, moment by moment. Focus on being present and whatever you do, don’t panic about the situation as a whole.

As you’re interacting with your date, don’t let your mind wander to come up with a game plan on how you’re going to reject this person. It’s tempting to come up with a relationship exit strategy, but that will simply fuel unnecessary mental chaos. 

Stay upbeat and positive, don’t show your disappointment. Remember that they were also excited and might be feeling disappointed too. Most importantly, remind yourself that is an experience you’re actively learning from and therefore worth your time.

3. Treat them as you would a friend.

As you’re realizing that you have no desire to continue dating this person, you may lose interest in getting to know them during your date. You may even feel nervous about looking like you’re interested for fear of sending the wrong message. Try not to dwell on the fact that you’re no longer romantically interested.

Look at them as a fellow human being, willed for their own sake. You clearly had enough in common to talk on the phone and online, so make an effort to have an interesting conversation. Touch on those topics you connected over before. 

As you interact, be mindful of your behavior and words. You’ll probably naturally pull back, but make an effort to not be flirty. You don’t have to blurt out your disinterest before you even order dinner, just don’t make promises about the future. Treat them with dignity and respect as you would anyone. 

4. Be honest.

At the end of your time together, feel out your date's emotions—do they seem really excited to continue dating? Or are they showing signs of disinterest? If your date seems equally uninterested in pursuing a relationship, be open and express that you don’t think you’re a good match. You’ll probably both be relieved to have an honest conversation.

If your date is not on the same page as you and they express wanting to continue dating, discern whether you want to have the “let down” conversation in person or on the phone.

If you have been talking with them for months and created emotional bonds, an in-person conversation may be most respectful. If you haven’t been talking for very long and haven’t created attachments, a phone call or text message within 24 hours of your date may be more appropriate. 

Always remember to be generous and kind with your words. Even though it didn’t work out romantically, you’re both pursuing the vocation Christ has called you to and that’s enough to feel a certain level of kinship. Wish them luck and pray that they meet their future spouse soon.