What's a Normal Timeline for Saying I Love You?

It’s the magical moment at the start of a relationship.

You’ve met someone, really connected with them and are feeling a deep bond that you’re ready to define as love. Is it time to say it or is it too soon? Will you scare your partner off or are they feeling the same way? The questions can become all-consuming the longer they linger.

Or let’s say you’ve been dating someone for a few months, you like them and are interested in continuing to do so. You see the real possibility of love, but you’re not there yet. Do you feel internal pressure to still say “I love you”, simply because you’ve dated for whatever the requisite amount of time is? Is the other person expecting you to say it? More questions to consume the mind until no peace can be found.

Studies on the subject produce some interesting data. According to Psychology Today men say “I love you” after an average of 88 days in a relationship while women wait 134 days. The same study shows that the words mean more to the man. Both conclusions run contrary to cultural stereotypes.

But if you’re looking for concrete guidance on the right time, secular advice comes from a woefully inadequate foundation.

Run a Google search on “when should you say I love you” or a similar phrase and the articles you find invariably presume that sexual activity is already a part of the equation before the words are said. It boils down to advice on when to tell the person you’re using for your own pleasure that you do in fact love them.

We’ll assume instead that the couple involved is making an honest attempt to live a chaste dating relationship and wants to use the words “I love you” with appropriate care without bottling up what they’re feeling.

One thing secular advice columns do mostly get right is that there’s no right time that’s universally correct for everyone. I think that’s especially true at a place like CatholicMatch, where people have often gotten to know each other online, by video calling and phone before ever meeting in person—and when the exact starting point of a relationship can be a little more ambiguous.

Therefore, it’s better to focus on a few guiding principles, rather than a rigid timetable.

I once told a dating partner that I loved her on the third date. There was no question that was too soon. Not because the rush of emotions and feeling weren’t real. And not because of any artificial timetable. But the reason behind the rush of emotions was that I had come through a long period of woundedness. The feeling of companionship that comes can be overwhelming to the heart and psyche in these situations and can really feel like love. It doesn’t mean that it is though.

This is where a Christ-centered understanding of love is critical in sorting out our emotions. What we are willing to do for the other person is far more compelling than how we feel about them. We know Our Lord’s love for us because he voluntarily underwent a brutal death so we could find salvation.

That’s the demonstration of love at the highest level. We aren’t going to even get in that same ballpark in the early stages of a dating relationship, but the question bears asking—What crosses would we undertake for the person we profess to love? How far out of our comfort zone are we willing to go for them? Answer that honestly and we can get a pretty good sense of how true our love is.

Who should say I love you first?

Being the male in the relationship also factors into the dynamic. Now there are certainly examples of women taking the lead. One of those examples is a canonized saint. St. Gianna found the road to Heaven through marriage and her courtship letters reveal that she utter the L word first.

That should end any debate over whether it’s appropriate for the woman to take the lead—she may not want to and that’s understandable, but if a canonized saint did it, that should be enough for any Catholic. But St. Gianna’s letters also reveal that her spouse felt bad about the fact that his shyness had kept him from speaking first. Indeed, one opportunity to demonstrate our love can be the very willingness to “go first” and be the one who risks rejection.

Above all, we should all be understanding of each other.

The fact that someone may say it too soon doesn’t mean you have to run scared and think they’re clingy. The fact they may be more reserved doesn’t mean they have a problem expressing their feelings. (Check out this story of a couple who hit turbulence when the man said I love you too soon in the woman's mind)

At this stage of a relationship we don’t know all the nuances of another person’s temperament and of their past. In fact, if you feel the need to rush to judgment on your significant other’s willingness or lack thereof to say it, that could be a pretty good sign you don’t love them.

The earliest Christians bore witness to the Faith through their love. It was their deeds, not their words, that resonated with those who saw them from the outside. Let the same be said of us.