Dating like a go-getter? Slow down!
One of my favorite cartoon characters growing up was the persistent, somehow endearing, but foolish Wile E. Coyote in the Road Runner Show. Each episode, he pursues his never ending chase to catch the elusive Road Runner, which utterly fails each time. He mail orders rocket-powered roller skates, dynamite, bird seed, the classic anvil…you name it. And he will stop at nothing to attain his prize.
But the harder he tries, the more comically he fails in slapstick fashion. Sometimes the dating world can feel a lot like Wile E. Coyote running off the cliff with the same old dating blunders. This is especially the case for those of us who just try so hard.
If Wile E. Coyote had a CatholicMatch profile…
Let’s put our beloved Wile E. Coyote in a real world situation. What if he had a CatholicMatch profile? Perhaps his interests would include do-it-yourself projects, hunting, and a good old turkey dinner. But what kind of a dater would he be? Chances are, he’d be have a whirlwind of failed relationships behind him.
You see, the Coyote is well-acquainted with two old axioms: “You’re trying too hard,” and “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
It may sound a bit cliché, but there is something to the old adage about trying too hard in the dating world. It will only leave the go-getter feeling exhausted and worn out long before a relationship has the chance to develop. And trying the same old tactics over and over again won’t give the go-getter a chance to learn from each experience.
Go-getters may find themselves reducing dates to a series of checklists; try this simple checklist instead. Maybe the go-getter always asks someone out in the first week; try adding another week or two. One way or another, a change of tactics is probably needed if the same patterns play out every time.
But a go-getter is probably going to say, “If I don’t put myself out there, how will I ever find who I’m looking for?” Take it from a recovering go-getter, sometimes you have to go slower if you want to move forward. For most of us dating is probably more like a marathon than a race.
It’s a marathon, not a race.
Believe it or not, St. Paul actually has a little advice when the dating game starts to feel more like a race to burnout than a marathon to heaven.
“So this is what I think best because of the present distress: that it is a good thing for a person to remain as he is. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek a separation. Are you free of a wife? Then do not look for a wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:26-27)
While this seems like counterintuitive advice coming from St. Paul, what he’s getting at is that our distinct human “conditions” are less important than our walk with the Lord. We ought to be less concerned with changing our state in life and more concerned with answering God’s call where it finds us.
Fall in love with the process, not the chase.
Discerning God’s will is a process. For most of us, answers don’t fall out of the sky and it takes a series of prayer and action to figure out where He wants us to be. For any serious dater, that process is no less different in the dating world. Here's a few helpful hints to focus more on the process, and less on the elusive chase.
- Try one at a time. If having multiple ongoing conversations and planning multiple dates at the same time overwhelms you, then just whittle it down to one at a time. “Sifting” through dates like a stack of resumes may leave you feeling worn out and not having fun.
- Forget the checklist. The perfect person doesn’t exist. So forget the checklist and see if the date could turn into another one, then perhaps another, etc. If it develops into something worth pursuing, you’ll know. No need to bring the clipboard.
- Allow for recovery time. If a particular dating interest led to more than just a couple dates and some emotions invested, give it time to recover. The worst thing the go-getter can do is jump back in. If it feels forced, like beating a deadline or a ticking clock, then wait.
Eventually, it may be time to head back out into the dating game. But maybe instead of thinking of it as a race against the clock or a job interview, it could be better to think of it as a dance. While a dance can certainly pick up in pace, sometimes it’s better to slow down before picking up the rhythm.
In the words of country singer John Michael Montgomery in “Life’s a Dance:”
Life’s a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don’t worry about what you don’t know
Life’s a dance you learn as you go
