It's Time to Go on a Date

Did you ever read the courtship book I Kissed Dating Goodbye?

It made quite a splash when it was published back in 1997. But if you didn’t read it then, don’t bother to read it now. The author, Joshua Harris, announced in a series of Instagram posts that a) he is divorcing his wife; b) he no longer considers himself a Christian; and c) he apologizes for the book.

The loss of Harris’ marriage and his faith are sad developments, but not knowing him personally, I see no need to delve into them here. 

The ideas in the book, on the other hand, merit some discussion. 

Frankly, I thought his work was flawed, and I can’t argue that he has some apologizing to do. I think his book, and the whole “courtship” movement, did some subtle damage that we are still seeing today.

“Courtship”, as defined in his book and others, differs from traditional dating.

First of all, it is very heavy on the parental involvement. A boy doesn’t ask a girl out. He asks her father for permission to “court” her. And parents are heavily involved in the courting process—from chaperoning time together to monitoring correspondence to controlling timing and decisions.

Second, courtship is oriented toward marriage. Very oriented toward marriage. That’s what the boy who came a-courtin’ was asking for permission to do—to discern with the daughter whether they would marry. They would then spend intensive and highly chaperoned time together, figuring out if they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together.

Let’s cut to the chase: the problem here, aside from not sounding like very much fun, is that it made “permission to court” practically the equivalent of a marriage proposal. It was a big decision, not taken lightly. And, more often than not, a decision not taken at all. I mean, who wants all of that pressure?

I am the first to admit that the general idea of dating should be oriented to finding a spouse. And that modern dating—with its “sex on the third date” ethos—is heavily screwed up. But the “courtship” movement just ran from one extreme to the other. Both become exclusive far too soon—one because marriage discernment is serious business, and the other because...well, sex.

Why would I write about this when few if any of my CatholicMatch readership even know what courtship is, much less practice it? Because I see this mentality, sans the parental involvement, running rampant through the Catholic dating world.

What part of the mentality, you ask?

The “asking a girl out on a date is tantamount to a marriage proposal” part. Online, I see many of you engaging in these marathon Digital Pen Pal relationships, where you spill billions of pixels discussing your philosophies and priorities and early childhood histories for months on end, with someone you have never actually made an effort to lay eyes on in person. 

What is that about? How much do you need to know about someone before you agree to sit down for coffee or cocktails for a couple of hours? (Or, if distances and finances prevent the face-to-face, to at least sit down for some FaceTime.)

On another dating site that shall remain unnamed, members can share their answers to hundreds of multiple choice questions to help other members get to know them better. One of the questions reads, “When should dating become exclusive?” From what I have heard, the most popular answer seems to be, “After the first date.” Seriously? Once you date someone once, you aren’t allowed to go out with anyone else? No wonder guys are reluctant to ask for dates. 

Contrast this to what dating was like in the middle of the last century. A girl might go out with one guy on Thursday, another one on Saturday, and perhaps a third in the middle of the following week. Dating was light. It was easy. It was about getting to know the other person. Actually, it was about getting to know LOTS of other persons, so that over time one could decide which one to focus on. That was called “going steady”, and it didn’t happen until a couple had spent a lot of time together in the more relaxed dating setting.

There wasn’t a lot of pressure, and there wasn’t a lot of physical affection. Just time spent.

We need to get back to that.

So what do you say we all lighten up a little?

A date is not a marriage proposal. It’s an invitation to spend a few hours together, getting to know each other. It should be fun. It should be casual. It should not need to be preceded by hours and hours of discernment.

I have a friend who saw someone interesting here on CatholicMatch. She sent a smile. He smiled back. They conversed, and she mentioned that Colorado is beautiful, and he should visit sometime. He said his brother lived here, and that he just might. A few weeks later, he came out. They hit it off. Now, a year after that first contact, they are getting married.

That never would have happened if they had both remained hidden behind their screens.

So come out from behind your devices. Stop hiding. Ask someone out. 

Go on a date.