Break the Online Dating Rules

Let's clear something up...

If I may judge by my own experience, and by rumors that have reached me from the forums and other blog posts, there is a danger in online dating (and the analog kind) where it can sometimes devolve into a system; you try to find the exact right way to compose your profile, then the right way to approach someone new, and the right way to proceed along the dating process to ‘maximize your chances of success.’

And, as the old witch doctor said of sacrificing a virgin to ensure a good harvest, sometimes it works. Other times it just leaves you stewing in an ever-increasing sense of frustration summed up in the words, “I’m doing everything right, so why isn’t this working?”

There are two approaches at this stage; you can start making extra fine adjustments to the standard approach in the hopes that this time it’ll work (“Ten little things you might be doing that infuriate the corn gods”) or you can decide to try something radically different on the principle that it probably can’t make things worse (“These ‘Christians’ say to leave one field empty for a season and plant barley this year”). Generally the latter has a better track record.

In other words, try breaking the rules a little.

Now, this isn’t a recommendation to just do whatever you like. Breaking the rules is never just about breaking rules (something the lamer type of radical always gets wrong); it’s about finding deeper, more fundamental rules to follow.

Tobit violated Sennacherib’s orders to leave the dead to rot, not to express his individuality, but because he was obeying the more fundamental command of God that said the dead deserve burial. Christ violated the official rules of the Sabbath not out of contempt for the Sabbath but out of reverence for the deeper law to love thy neighbor. 

Breaking the rules, when just, means recognize what the situation actually is. And once you get beyond the façade of the internet, the profiles, boards, forums, and all the rest of it, the situation is very simple. At the end of the day all that is happening is that one person is talking to another. The only rules that apply are the same that apply every time that happens: be courteous, be kind, and be honest (and in a pinch, courtesy can slide).

What that looks like in practical terms will vary for each person. That’s kind of the point. The main principle, however, is to know what you’re trying to do and to strip away anything and everything that doesn’t contribute to that end.

If the standard methods don’t seem to help, then throw them out. If the normal dos and don’ts don’t do for you, then forget them. They are applied because they generally work or are generally considered good advice, which means you shouldn’t be quick to dismiss them, but it equally means you shouldn’t be afraid to drop them.

It's okay to just do you.

You are a unique soul. The person on the other end of the screen is likewise unique. You are both looking for someone who might be the One. There’s no formula for that; no system, no instructions, no ‘right way’ to go about it. There’s only the aforementioned fundamentals and the question of what works.

So don’t be afraid to be creative,to do something bold, unorthodox, or seemingly insane. Again, there’s a personon the other end of the screen, and people tend to respond to things that aredirectly addressed to them and things that surprise them.

Just for example, the general rule for first messages is to keep it short, light, and mention something you have in common. This is generally good advice. Now say you think you’ve found the artist of your dreams. Rather than start off with “I like art too,” you might try actually drawing a sketch of her profile pic, scribble a greeting on it, and sending that to her (assuming, that is, you can find a way to send attachments. Or, you know, you end up meeting the old fashioned way).

She might find that creepy, or she might find that flattering, or she might start critiquing your art style. One thing she won’t be doing; she’s not going to ignore it.

Don't forget, you're talking to a real person.

Or say her profile says that she prefers deep conversations and is interested in British history, just like you. Rather than saying "I'm into that as well," your first message might be something like, “I think Parliament had no right to depose King James II, doofus though he was. They were the King's subjects, not his masters, and it set a dangerous precedent regarding the rule of law in England. What do you say?” That shows your interest rather than just telling her about it, and it immediately invites her to a deep conversation on a subject that interests you both.

As a bonus, this sort of thing shows confidence, commitment, and individuality; three things that most people value and which are in rather short supply these days. There’s no guarantee that it’ll work, of course; there are never any when it comes to people. But it'll certainly help your odds.

The idea, you see, is that you should seek to cut through the veil of the internet to reach the other person as a person. It’s not a question of what generally works; it’s a question of what would attract and sustain the interest of this particular woman.

The next time you reach out to someone, ask yourself: “if this is the kind of woman I am looking for, what would get her attention? What would she appreciate most?” It doesn’t matter if what you come up with is something bizarre, something that no one would ever recommend as general advice, or something that goes completely against the general rules of online dating.

Because the truth is, there are norules beyond the fundamentals mentioned above: it’s just one person talking toanother.