How to Be a Better Lover

I have a confession to make. I hate my love language. It’s so embarrassing! It just feels so...materialistic? Basic? Petty? Can you guess what it is?

If you guessed ‘gifts,’ then you’re right! If you have absolutely no idea what I mean when I say “gifts is my love language,” then keeping reading! You may share my love language or be dating someone who’s love language is different than yours. And knowing the five love languages can help you to love others better, more deeply, and more like they want to be loved.

The first time I truly realized my love language was gifts was when I was in law school. I was exhausted, overworked, and barely spending any time taking care of myself. Then one day, I got a letter in the mail (“A real letter, not a bill!” I thought). It was from my sister, who at the time, was 10 years old. She had made me a card, with a crayoned picture on the front of the two of us, and a note that said something like, “I love you, Paigey! I miss you.” Inside the envelope, she had carefully cut out lots of little paper hearts and colored each one in red or pink, so they looked like confetti inside the envelope.

I am not at all embarrassed to say that I started bawling my eyes out, right then and there. I felt so incredibly loved! She had obviously put so much time into making the card, cutting out the hearts, coloring everything, looking up my address, and so on—I was so touched by her thoughtfulness and sincerity. It didn’t matter that it was handmade and didn’t cost a thing. Her gesture spoke perfectly to my love language—gifts.

Someone else may have smiled at the letter or thought it was cute, but it wouldn’t have moved them. Instead, they might have felt more loved if someone had cleaned their car out, or had a deep conversation. So, what about you? What’s your love language?

The Five Love Languages is a theory and book developed by Gary Chapman. He identifies them as: receiving gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and physical touch. So let’s discuss each one and see if you can figure out yourself or a partner! (You can also take his handy quiz here.)

1. Receiving gifts

If this is your love language (like mine!), then you feel most loved by thoughtfulness, generosity, and love demonstrated in a tangible way. It’s not the actual gift that matters most, but the thought that went into it.

I know it can be intimidating giving gifts, especially if you feel like you aren’t a great gift-giver. My advice is to pay attention. If your partner mentions something casually (“Oh, I would love to have that book one day!” “I wish I could afford that bag right now.” “Daisies are my favorite flower.”), write it down! Because it’s the remembering and  thoughtfulness that will make him or her feel most loved.

2. Acts of service

If this is your love language, then you feel most loved when someone does something for you. Often this means lessening your own load: finishing some chore you hate, running an errand you forgot, or responding to that nagging email you’ve put off, while you get to do whatever you please. You feel most loved by service, sacrifice, time, and effort.

For you, actions speak louder than words!

3. Words of affirmation

On the other hand, for this person, words speak louder than actions.

If your love language is words of affirmation, you need encouragement, support, spoken reminders of love. Say, for example, you had a tough day at work, your girlfriend says to you, “You’re so good at your job.” Or even just, “I love you. You always know how to make me smile.”

Verbal confirmation and affirmation make this person feel loved. But be sure to focus on learning their “dialect.” Does your partner need encouragement, or compliments? Reminders of how much you love them, or words of thanks? All of these are legitimate.

4. Quality time

This love language is similar to acts of service in that they both require a commitment of time. Yet while acts of service often involve time apart from your beloved, this one requires you to spend time with him.

Those with this love language enjoy nothing more than having a partner in crime: someone to go on a hike with, have a long conversation over dinner with, or learn a new skill with. They want to turn off all the devices and just be with you.

I know a lot of men who feel loved the most when the woman in their life will go fishing with them, listen to them point out constellations in the sky, drink beer, or play a board game together. Of course, many women have this love language too! Ultimately, what is most important is not the activity itself but that you are doing it together.

5. Physical touch

Don’t be alarmed if physical touch is your love language, and you are single and celibate. Physical touch is much more than sexual intimacy; it simply means loving others with our bodies. Cuddling a baby, hugging a friend, sitting close to a parent or sibling—all of these things are loving through physical touch.

Giving and receiving physical affection can be good and beautiful. Just be mindful that some people don’t come from physically affectionate families or perhaps aren’t comfortable with public displays of affection. Simple ways to be close are holding hands, hugs, or giving your significant other a head scratch.

Finally, most people don’t have just one love language. You might have two or three that really resonate. Just remember that the whole purpose of the love languages isn’t to narrow down how you love someone, but to deepen your love for them and identify the way they want to be loved.