Dating Advice Millennials Should Learn From Boomers and Gen Xers

"You're lying!"

I was face-to-face with a young professional woman in her early 20's who was calling into question my integrity, but I wasn't offended in the least. I was actually happy to have this conversation with her, because I was eager to take the opportunity to give this girl a different perspective on something that could change her life for the better.

"No, I am telling you the truth. My husband and I did not live together before we were married and we didn't have sex before we married, either."

"There is no way!" she replied incredulously. "I don't believe that! No one does that!"

Doing the unthinkable

She had begun this conversation by stating she was unhappy with her life, but didn't really know why. As I asked her questions about what life was like for her outside of work, and she admitted living with her boyfriend wasn't what she thought it would be like. She felt disillusioned. That's when I suggested maybe she and her boyfriend should live in separate places, and it wasn't well-received.

These days, the hook-up culture and cohabitation are normal. A frightening statistic reveals that for millennials, the time between meeting each other and having sex often takes 10 texts or less. Younger generations are up against something that was unthinkable 30 years ago, and the understanding of what makes a happy, lasting marriage is rapidly disappearing.

It's critical for parents to explain the real purpose of dating to our children and give them some effective marriage preparation, but it's just as important for singles over 30 to offer the right example of dating to younger singles. If we want young people to blossom as confident, happy adults who are capable of having a lasting marriage, we need to teach them what the true purpose of dating is.

Here are a few suggestions:

1.    Sex Is A Good Thing

God created sex as a good thing and we need to use it the way he intended, which of course is within the confines of marriage. This touches upon some of the key points of wisdom from Saint John Paul II’s, Theology of the Body. In this insightful work, he explains that God created Adam and Eve as a gift for each other, and through their masculinity and femininity they were able to express their gift to each other. The pope called this the “nuptial” meaning of the body. This experience of total freedom and innocence in giving oneself to another can only be realized in marriage.

When sex is experienced outside of marriage, there is no freedom or innocence; it’s all about receiving pleasure. This is how a lover becomes a user; where the giving of the gift turns into taking an object and using it for self-gratification.

Under these circumstances, a woman is not giving her body as a gift to the man or vice versa; she is using his body for her own pleasure, and he uses hers for his. When you explain this to someone who has never had this perspective on sex, it’s really striking how easily this clicks for them.

2.    There Is More To Dating Than Sex

Despite what everyone else says and what everyone else does, sex is not what dating is about. Dating is about discerning whether or not you and your date are suitable for a long term relationship. That being said, half the fun of going out on a date is always getting to know each other.

Having fun together, getting to know each other's senses of humor, their likes and dislikes, observing how your date treats other people, etc. These are the elements of building a romance and that is exciting! It's difficult to ever know if you and your date have chemistry or are compatible if you don't take the time to find out these things.

3.    Dating Later Is Better

This is a biggie for parents. Since the real purpose of dating is for two people to discover whether or not they’re suited to each other for marriage, dating as 13, 14, or 15 year-olds really has no real purpose except inviting trouble. Although the teen pregnancy rate has been declining in the last decade, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services reports that the U.S. teen birth rate is higher than that of many other developed countries, including Canada and the United Kingdom.

Waiting to begin dating until age 17 or 18 also brings with it more maturity than younger teens can contribute, especially if the older teen has had a lifetime of seeing Mom and Dad live a good marriage.

There is great joy in understanding the truth and beauty of how God created our bodies as something good, and his purpose and design for them is also something very good. This sends the right message and helps them understand that saving sex for marriage is a good thing. They will be able to face the world and all it’s distortions with confidence, and it will be much harder for them to be swept away by the tide of sexual immorality. It will improve their chances of having happy, healthy, lasting marriages.