How to Navigate the “Talking Stage”

“Are you dating anyone?” asked the priest I worked with last summer.

I proudly stated that I was indeed talking to someone. Perplexed, he asked, “What does that mean?” I explained, “It’s the stage before dating.” He said, “When I was younger, it was either dating or not dating. You need to decide.” In my mind I thought, “He just doesn’t get it.” Little did I know, it would only be a matter of months before I got it.

See, I met this guy on an app. We were long-distance, so the “talking stage” seemed like the only thing we could do until we at least met a couple times. And so, we talked. We talked for 5 hours a night on Facetime, we watched movies together, we texted throughout the day, and made virtual “date nights.”

We opened up about our greatest relationship hopes and fears. We discussed the trajectory of our potential relationship, when we’d want to be “official,” when one of us would move closer to the other, even how long the hypothetical engagement would be. 

But then we finally met in person and his interest tapered off.

Before I knew it, he was casually mentioning seeing other girls. But I couldn’t get mad, right? We were just talking. Even though I spent three months of my life investing in him, we had no verbal agreement. And that was that. It was over.  

In 2022, most of us are familiar with the “talking” stage. It’s a vetting process. Romantic interest is established, but nothing concrete has been decided so both parties have the freedom of backing out. It’s an early dating trap door.

In all fairness, the talking phase has a valid place in the relationship process. Especially for long distance connections, it’s impossible to not have an extended talking phase. The problem is when it goes on for too long and lacks any real forward progression. Usually, you know this is happening when you start to wonder, “Am I in a relationship or not? What’s happening?” 

Recently, I met another guy on a dating app and one of the first things he texted me was, “It’d be great to meet in person as soon as possible, the talking stage is too painful.” I’ve also seen TikToks of people lamenting the exhaustion of the “talking stage,” unable to go through the same dead-end cycle again and again. So how do we make the talking phase less painful? How can we avoid burning ourselves out from dating before we even date?

1. Meet as soon as possible

Most “talking stages” don’t go anywhere because of the struggle of distance. This is difficult for those of us who are on CatholicMatch and cast a wide net to meet someone with shared values. Sometimes, without realizing it, we use the distance as an excuse to not make a real effort, all the while getting an ego boost from talking to someone who is interested in us.

If you’re serious about potentially dating someone, meet ASAP. The only way to truly tell if your online connection translates in real life is to meet in real life. Trust me, it’s an awful experience when you’ve invested months of your life into someone and you don’t actually hit it off with them in person. 

If you’re within driving distance, meet halfway. If you’re planning a trip somewhere, make a pit stop in their hometown or somewhere nearby. Don’t waste time endlessly messaging and having long phone dates if you’re not actively pursuing this potential relationship. You will save yourself hours of time (and lots of emotions) by simply meeting up and determining whether you truly want to invest. 

2. Don’t share too much too soon

As cheesy as it sounds, you need to “guard your heart.” My biggest downfall during my three-month saga was opening up too much too soon and allowing him to as well. When you’re in the talking stage for too long, it sets you up to become emotionally vulnerable in a way that’s not appropriate to the relationship—because the relationship doesn’t actually exist. Texting throughout the day, talking for hours at night, and emailing novels of personal information creates a false sense of intimacy. It might feel natural, but you can actually gain too much information too soon. 

Remember, you want to hear all of these things in person. Don’t share all the good stuff through text or on the phone! There’s something so organically exciting about connecting with someone face-to-face. When conversation is flowing, you can get a real sense of chemistry. When you share too much personal information via text or on the phone, you can create emotional bonds that skew your ability to discern compatibility.

When you’re finally in person you might think, “Well, we’re walking around in awkward silence and he’s been on his phone the whole time, but….We had that one late night conversation on the phone about our past heart breaks and we really connected.” Don’t let a lack of emotional boundaries set you up for unnecessary pain. When we emotionally attach ourselves to someone who hasn’t invested in us, we feel the pain of it not working out so much more. This causes us to feel traumatized after every “talking stage” and it burns us out from dating.

3. Be clear with your timeline

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being upfront about your timeline. This is a great way to weed out anyone who doesn’t have a long-term interest in you. It also immediately gives you both a “determine the relationship” deadline. There is freedom in this deadline. It will protect you and the person you’re talking with from being irresponsible with your time and emotions. 

“How do I give a timeline without seeming very uncool” you ask? Well, when the personal questions progress, when you’ve shared socials, asked for each other's numbers, and started texting—hit them with a clear, honest, and charitable message about your expectation and timeline boundary. It doesn’t have to sound intense, it can be casual. The sooner you say it, the more casual it is.

Something along the lines of, “I’m really looking forward to getting to know you better! I’d rather hear everything about you in person, would you like to plan a meet up soon?” And if you’ve met in person but you’re still in relationship-limbo, say, “It’s been so great getting to know you! I’m really enjoying seeing where this goes. In a month, let's have a conversation about whether we want to officially date or not.” Chances are, they’ll be impressed by your forthrightness and your commitment to your own standards. 

If someone doesn’t want to go past the “talking” stage, cut them loose.

Don’t spiral into despair, wondering what you could have done to convince them to date you. You don’t have control over someone else’s actions and truthfully, you don’t want to date someone who’s not willing to put in the effort to get to know you better. If the person you’re “talking” with isn’t actively progressing the relationship, is that someone you want to be investing in? Is this someone who deserves your time, attention, and affection? When a guy or girl really values you, they know that every second you’re not “locked down” is a second someone else could swoop in and grab your attention. 

Trust me, there are plenty of people out there who want more than just to talk with you. But you've got to cut off the wrong ones to get to the right one.