Is Catholic Dating Suffering From A Lack of Effort?

“We had a great time, but he hasn’t texted me back for a few days…” “We really vibe, but it seems like he’s pulling back.” “We talk constantly, but he hasn’t asked me out.” “We’ve been dating for a couple months, but we haven’t made it official.” “We live a couple hours away from each other, but haven’t met in person yet.” “Everything was going great and then he ended it.”

The infamous "pre-dating" stage.

Why do we exist in this pre-dating “talking” limbo stage longer than the actual relationship? If there is a relationship at all, honestly. 

Like many of you, I’ve been riding this single train for a good bit (all aboard, ya’ll!). It's not because I haven’t had romantic/flirtatious “situationships” with guys, it’s just that they never go beyond that. I’ve had situationships with guys I’ve met in real life, on this app, and through social media. 

So, why didn’t they work out? You may ask. Was it a lack of attraction? Incompatible values? Lack of chemistry? No to all the above!

It was in fact *drumroll*.... a lack of effort. Womp womp. Well, that’s not exciting or romantically complicated. If family rivalry kept Romeo & Juliet apart, a lack of effort is the most bland, uninspiring reason for a potential relationship to not work out.

But, here we are in 2022. What a time to be alive and single.

Once I matched with a guy who lived in New Jersey. But alas, I was too far away from him—in Pennsylvania (truly, star crossed lovers). Quick geography: Pennsylvania and New Jersey are essentially the same state. I lived 45 mins away from him. “Oh bummer, well, we can hang out whenever you’re in my area,” he said. Never heard from him again. 

Earlier this year I talked to a guy who was living aboard for school. After two months of getting to know each other via video, texting, and calls, he was finally back in the states for a break. The hour drive to meet me halfway, however, was too far. He said “maybe I’ll see you next year when I move back home.” 

This year I was also involved with another guy for three months long-distance. We had discussed the trajectory of our relationship; when we’d want to be “official,” how long dating would last, when one of us would move closer to the other. Even how long the hypothetical engagement would be. But suddenly he said, “I think I want to date someone closer to me.” And then it was over. 

Now, I can’t fault anyone for not wanting to date me. That’s totally fair and maybe these guys were just using distance as an excuse to break off something they didn’t see working. That’s okay. But I never got signals that they weren’t interested in me. Really, it was the opposite. 

“What happened?” is what most women are left wondering whenever they’re ghosted, suddenly left on read after consistent conversation, when the guy pulls back for no apparent reason, or simply won’t pursue the relationship any further. “What happened?” is what we wonder when the effort they show goes from 100 to 0. 

So what is a lack of effort a sign of? What happened?

1. The expectation of convenience.

I was perusing Tiktok the other day and a video popped up with the caption “For men, it’s almost always proximity > compatibility.” The woman in the video went on to explain that nowadays, men often choose a partner who fits their situation—rather than choosing someone and making their situation fit the relationship. She said, “This makes men less likely to pursue long-distance relationships or fight to make things work with someone they’re compatible with.” 

Without a doubt, we live in a world of convenience. Food, entertainment, connection, etc., are all at our fingertips. We’re used to getting what we want, easily and quickly. But has this leached into our psyches, affecting how we date? I think most of us can agree that pursuing a meaningful relationship isn’t as easy as ordering dinner from Grubhub. 

Usually, the person we’re pursuing won’t be as accessible as our entertainment. But should they be? We can easily shoot off a text and get a response in seconds. We can see someone’s face instantly via FaceTime. Has this created the subconscious mentality that a relationship should be as easy as our modern forms of communication? 

Don’t get me wrong—social media and technological advancements can allow for relationship bolstering connections. The convenience of communication hasn’t made us more patient, grateful, or resilient, but rather, more demanding and entitled to easy access. When any logistical hurdle becomes a “red flag”, are we being smart or lazy when we end the relationship?

To be fair, most of us aren’t entering a relationship with the goal of ending it when it’s no longer convenient. We don’t have the intention of leading someone on and then bailing when it’s no longer easy. Most men (and women) have good intentions and real hope that it will work out.

What happens is once reality sets in, the initial excitement wears off. After the first few weeks of flirty “getting to know each other” phone calls, texts, dates, etc, the real pressure to make a decision starts weighing. Suddenly, the man is at a crossroads—take the relationship to the next level or end it. 

This is where he starts analyzing the pros and cons of the potential relationship. This is where he comes down to earth and becomes more “practical,” as a Hinge date recently told me. 

2. Assuming something better is around the other corner.

We’ve heard it a million times already. But thanks to dating apps and the ability to scroll endlessly through potential matches, we start assuming that something better could be right around the corner. The “cons” usually weigh heavier than the “pros” when we feel like we have endless options. With so many options at our fingertips, the pursuit for the absolute “perfect” person actually feels like a realistic search.

We start thinking that it really is possible to find someone who checks off every single box on our list—they might just be a few swipes away. When we search for the “perfect” person, instead of “perfect for me,” our system for evaluating a compatible relationship consists of more superficial elements of compatibility than actually meaningful ones. 

What does “perfect for me,” mean though? It means somebody whose character and strengths complement yours, someone who gets your off-brand humor, someone who understands how you process and communicate thoughts, someone who pursues the same meaning in life. All of the things that perfectly “match” who you are in your own unique, imperfect nature. An imperfectly perfect match.

Amidst the slew of edited profile pictures and curated bios, we forget what it’s like to want a real human being—flaws and all. When we’re endlessly scrolling through people, the organic element of connecting with a real, flawed human being disappears. When we connect with someone through the lens of “I could always find better,” we actually stunt our ability to even encounter another person on a deeper level.

We make ourselves superficial. In the never-ending search for an ideal, we’ll always cycle people in and out of our lives. If we’re constantly thinking “I have endless options,” we never invest in the option right in front of us. 

3. Plenty of fish in the sea?

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” This is something parents say to soothe broken hearts, but it’s leaked into how we approach dating in general. Anyone who’s a Catholic in the modern dating scene knows that there are very few fish who are actually compatible with you—ones who are easy to find anyway. Meeting someone who shares the same values and goals is hard enough—but also someone you’re attracted to and have chemistry with? Call the Vatican, it’s a miracle! 

There are plenty of fish in the sea, but there are very few fish who are actually compatible enough to share your life with. Many men and women will let the right person slip away because pursuing them wasn’t convenient or they didn’t check all the boxes. 

So what’s the answer here? Searching for an unattainable ideal allows us to ignore the deeper desires of our heart. It’s a way of not recognizing or prioritizing the more meaningful qualities or traits that we actually need in a partner.

If we’re hung up on checking boxes, are we really ready to be in a relationship that requires unconditional love? If we’re looking for convenience, are we ready to take on a vocation that requires daily sacrifice and death to self? Most of the time, if we’re so focused on finding someone superficially “perfect,” it’s because we don’t actually know what we want. 

So first, we need to have an honest look at ourselves. What are our internal flaws and strengths? How have our past relationships, environments, and experiences formed us? What traits would a potential partner need to understand these things? What is the most meaningful thing in your life?

What type of partner would share your values? What are the intricacies of your own personality and what type of personality would complement it? The more we know ourselves (flaws and all), the more we have an appreciation for what we need in a spouse. 

When it comes to dating as Catholics, we consistently have to remind ourselves to go back to basics.

What even is the vocation of marriage? What is the purpose of marriage for man and woman on a grand scale? Do our desires for marriage match God’s desires? How are we looking to grow in holiness in our lives? Do we see marriage as an opportunity for further growth or do we see it as the end goal of growth? Are we seeking out a true unity with another human being, or are we looking for something that’s easy?

When you find someone who meets you on all the levels that really matter, you’ll find that you’re willing to make it work—even when it’s not convenient.