How to Navigate Dating with Mental Health Concerns

Can we be real with each other for a few minutes?

As a mental health therapist, I am an advocate of acknowledging and working on mental health related concerns—anxiety, depression, trauma, OCD, and dysfunctional relationship patterns, all the way to the more extreme concerns such as schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder. As Christians, I believe that we hold a responsibility to address these things and work to heal them so that we can live flourishing lives as the people God created us.

While there is no shame in doing so (in fact, I applaud those who do!), admitting to mental health concerns does bring up a sense of hesitancy when it comes to dating—both within yourself and for a potential significant other. 

When it comes to ourselves, there can be a sense of shame in carrying these things. Am I damaged goods? Would anyone actually want to be with me? What do I have to offer someone? On the flip side, there's a fear in entering into a relationship with someone who carries significant concerns. How will this affect me and our relationship? Is this a healthy or even a safe idea? Is this a relationship of equals?

I personally have experienced concerns on both sides.

After grieving significant losses in my family, I distinctly remember feeling worn-out, depleted, and wondering if I actually had anything to give to a relationship, or if I would simply burden anyone I tried to date (bursting into tears over my plate of pasta when my date asked about my family was not a good sign…).

Another experience of sitting at the bar with a guy who very indiscreetly pulled out anxiety medication and started popping pills led to me ending the date prematurely and walking away with a sense that I had "dodged a bullet." 

While these are extreme examples, I think that they help to name the concerns that occur both-ways when it comes to navigating dating relationships within the context of mental health.

On one hand—you only marry one person, so you want to make sure they are dang worth it! On the other, we live in a broken world and mental health issues are very much a reality of people's lives, including our own, so we don't necessarily get the luxury of vetoing any potential date or excluding ourselves from the dating pool because mental health issues are a part of the equation. What's a girl (or guy) to do? 

Through what I believe to be a combination of my own personal experiences as well as my knowledge as a therapist—both through study and in-vivo learning with real life Clients, I’ve developed what I suppose could be called a guideline when it comes to navigating mental health in the dating department.

The points I am about to make hold true for yourself as well as someone you’re looking to date, and will hopefully provide some practical assistance for navigating these murky waters.

1. Name it.

Similar to more approachable date topics like physical and financial health, we all have mental health. On each end of the spectrum are the extremes of mentally unhealthy vs. mentally healthy, and we all fall somewhere on that continuum, and where we land is also constantly changing as a result of life events and personal setbacks and/or growth.

Be real with yourself and with others as to the status of your mental health. Covering up, minimizing, or over-exaggerating things isn’t serving anyone, especially not yourself. Have the conversation, and revisit it frequently. Regardless of where you land, transparency will only help.

That being said….

2. You can be transparent and honest while still holding boundaries.

The journey of dating another person is one of slow revelation and vulnerability—you are constantly sharing about yourself and receiving the other person as they share themselves, but the pace needs to be tempered.

You can name a struggle with a mental health issue or a concern about another's without giving the full story, details, and accompanying experiences that go along with it. If the relationship proceeds, those things can slowly be revealed and received, but fight the urge to overshare all at once.

Pacing yourself and the other shows that you are seeking to be partners in this relationship, rather than one another’s saviors or therapists, which leads me to my next point…

3. Recognize the Savior Complex.

Namely either looking to be saved by or seeking to be another person’s savior, and identify it as a red flag. This person completes me, I need them, they’re the only one who understands me, I can’t manage alone—OR—This person needs me, I am the only one who understands them, I’m responsible for this person. If you recognize this to be present, have the courage to address it, and if nothing improves, don’t be afraid to walk away.

This can be altogether addressed in the next point, which is…

4. Do your own work!

If you have mental health issues that need to be addressed through therapy, medication, support groups, etc., then prioritize space in your life for those things. Have an actual therapist be your therapist, rather than looking for your significant other to fill that role.

Likewise, don’t let yourself become the primary vehicle on which some else depends. Name how these struggles play out in your relationship, but in doing so, seek to be equally yoked. Realize that though you’re inevitably coming from different backgrounds, a relationship of partnership is indeed possible, especially with the correct understanding of mental health.

This brings me to the last point…

5. Finally, recognize that struggles with mental health are not necessarily a bad thing.

I say with full authenticity that I hold deep admiration and respect for many of my clients. The struggles they face and overcome, albeit with setbacks, are heroic. It is through suffering that we are purified and grow in depth, wisdom, strength, empathy, and personal resilience. Those are all qualities I know I seek in a significant other, and it may just be through a journey of mental health struggles that helps someone cultivate those character traits.

Every person’s experience of a mental health disorder is different, every person is different, and every relationship is different. Because of these unique and God-given differences, there is no one-size-fits-all manual when it comes to dating relationships. But there is common sense.

Acknowledge, address, and do your own work when it comes to mental health—if where you are at with your mental health doesn’t fit well with where someone else is in their journey, eventually there may be another person with whom it does.

Again, each person’s mental health, whatever the status, is an important element of every relationship that will only play out more as a relationship progresses. Have the courage to speak into it as you navigate the discernment of a relationship, as well as your own personal growth and healing.