Chronic Illness Doesn't Have to Stop You From Dating

I woke up and regretted it instantly. Fire shot through my legs. Why did it have hurt so much? I struggled to sit up and bit my lip to keep from crying out. I set up my crutches beside me, took a deep breath, and stood. Dizziness almost made me collapse, but by now I knew how to brace myself so I wouldn’t fall again. There. Another painful start to another painful day.

Sound familiar? You might know exactly what it is to wake up in pain daily. Chronic illness can affect your whole life, and often doesn’t leave much room for dating. But believe it or not, you don’t have to give up on a social life because you’re sick.

I’ve learned the hard way how to date with chronic illness by focusing on three core areas: spirituality, mental health, and relationships.

Spirituality: Jesus loves your broken body and being sick is not a sin.

I want you to repeat to yourself: “Being sick is not a sin.”

This simple concept was a complete revelation for me when I was suffering through Lyme disease. Being sick is not wrong; your worth is untouched because you are a child of God. A good friend of mine wrote,

“Jesus loves my broken body. Jesus... has made His HOME in my body… He is perfectly content to accept such a pitiful offering and dwell here... I am VALUABLE to Him. How could I not be? With His bruised arms outstretched on the cross, He tells me how much He loves my broken body, my broken soul, and my broken heart.”

The sick have something to offer to God that many others don’t: physical pain. During Confession, a priest told me I had received a splinter of the Cross through my illness. That is an intimate gift from Christ. Take comfort in knowing that God has entrusted to you a specific burden that will bring you closer to Him, even though you don’t know why.

One thing you can always do is to offer your suffering to God—He listens to your prayers! Pray that your pain will take the place of someone else's, or for the poor souls, or forgiveness of sins, or whatever may be on your mind. A prayer of pain is powerful.

Mental Health: Accept that you might not get better.

This is the tough one. You won’t want to hear this, but it will help you in ways you don’t yet know: Accept that you might not get better. That’s it. The hardest idea in one sentence. It’s a powerful mindset switch!

This takes the focus off what we can’t do, and onto what we can do. If we think we have to get better before starting our lives, we’ll always be waiting for our health to improve “more.” We’ll get stuck and depressed. Focus on what you still have to give. I promise you there’s plenty. You’ll find happiness and peace through building on what you have, not mourning what you don’t have.

This takes being honest with yourself and others. This might mean accepting what your limits and not pushing past them. I often have to tell my now-fiancé that I can’t go out as planned because I can’t walk today. Perhaps you need to miss a an event or a date because you don't feel well. That’s okay.

Being honest about it will help you be realistic, practical, and communicative. It will also helps you do things when you’re feeling good—or more attainably, feeling “less awful.” Without new thinking material, your brain returns to the same tired topics over and over.

Doing something when you are well gives your brain new memories to gnaw on next time you’re down. So on your next better day, go out for coffee with your sibling, watch the game with a friend, talk on the phone, or just text with someone.

Relationships: Know the signs of a good match.

Dating is difficult for healthy people, and throwing a chronic illness into the equation makes it positively hazardous. What do you do?

Most of dating with chronic illness has to do with what we already talked about. Are you working to be closer to God? Then you know prayer and love are integral to relationships. Are you being honest with yourself and others? Then you’re being realistic and practical. Are you building on what you have instead of focusing on what you’ve lost? Then you’re living positively and productively.

It’s just like that with dating. A good significant other should do all these things, just like you. That’s your sign of a potential match.

But how do you find these people?

Date online—you don’t have to even leave your couch. Then give people a chance, because they might surprise you. I took a chance on a stranger, and he drove 10 hours just to meet me. Now we’re getting married.

Date in easy places, keep dates short, and have an escape plan if you get sick. Coffee shops, parks, or local museums are all comfortable places to meet.

But what if you’re too sick to go anywhere?

Then don’t. Talking on the phone, watching a movie, or playing cards in your living room are good at-home ways to connect. You might even discover a new hobby. My fiancé developed formidable vocabulary skills from our Catchphrase “couch-dates.”

But what if you’re too sick for even an at-home date?

This is where the truest test of love lies. A worthy spouse will be someone who prays for you and with you. Someone who just wants to hold your hand when you’re dead to the world. Someone who focuses on what you can give, not what you can’t. Someone who values you for how God made you.

You need someone like that, and more importantly, you need to BE someone like that. Only then can you both truly love each other. For better or for worse, chronic illness and all.