How to Notice Red Flags

“How did I get here?”

You ask, standing in the ashes of what was once your romantic relationship. Chances are, you missed a few red flags while you and your S.O. were speeding through the honeymoon phase of dating. Now you’re confused and cleaning up the wreckage, wondering what went wrong.

When your blood is racing and you’re moving forward with someone you really like, slamming on the brakes is like quitting halfway through a pint of rocky road. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve gotten my heart broken months into a relationship because of a red flag I saw on the very first date. I’ll also admit that I’ve seen red flags only in retrospect, once the love goggles came off.

Recognizing and calling out red flags can save you from a lot of heartache. It can also help you become more comfortable with standing up for yourself and your dating standards. There’s no Master Class on spotting red flags (yet), so here’s a couple pointers on catching a red flag before it continues on it’s path of destruction.

1. Catch that questioning thought before it disappears

You know that little “oh no” voice that quietly whispers in the back of your mind when you’re with your date? Maybe they say something that irks you; maybe they touch you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, maybe they’re poor conversationalists, maybe they’re mean to the server, or maybe they talk trash about their ex—no matter what it is, if it makes you think “I don’t like that,” don’t brush it off.

Many of us ignore red flags because we don’t want to ruin a good thing. We have hope that “maybe this time it’ll work out,” so we shoo away any negative thoughts that could get in the way of relationship success. Ironically, ignoring a red flag almost ensures relationship disaster.

Recognizing a red flag doesn’t necessarily mean immediately grabbing your coat and stomping off in a huff. You can be aware of a red flag and still go out on dates. This is when you decide if a red flag is a deal breaker or not.

There are varying degrees of red flags. If he’s a little awkward but you have an amazing connection, it’s probably not a reason to end things over. If your conversation is dull and she never asks you questions, it might be something to keep an eye on. If he makes unwelcome physical advances, you should probably walk away.

The key is that you have discretion, and that you’re willing to end things if it turns out to be a real issue. Red flags are a problem when you blindly jump into a relationship and refuse to acknowledge a potentially huge deal breaker.

2. Pay attention to your body

Oftentimes, your body tells you how you feel before you even know how you feel. As you pursue a relationship, be sure to listen to your body. Does your stomach feel sick? Not in the “yay butterflies” way, but in the “I feel nauseous because something isn’t quite right” way. Are you losing sleep? Are you not eating? As humans, we’re made to analyze situations for potential danger. Your intuition regarding relationships is equally valuable. Your stomach is usually the first thing to alert you when something is awry.

It’s tempting to ignore gut intuitions when we desperately want a relationship to work out. It’s an attempt to make our will triumph over how we really feel. Engage in the information your gut is telling you. Ask yourself why you’re feeling that way and try and pinpoint the exact cause of that gut feeling.

Do you get that sick feeling when you think about a future with this person? Or perhaps when they behave a certain way or say certain things? Try and narrow down the source of that negative gut feeling and what thoughts trigger it. The more you understand yourself and how you feel, you’ll be able to logically think through whether or not the relationship is viable.

3. Identify if you're dating their "potential"

The most common reason we ignore red flags is because we are “dating potential.” This is when we focus on who they could be, rather than who they currently are. We believe in their potential to be great once they “get it together.” As a result, we either put up with their bad behavior or take on the role of personal savior. We tell ourselves “I can’t give up on them, isn’t helping them the Christian thing to do?”

Honestly, it’s never anyone’s place to try changing someone. Especially someone who isn’t interested in changing. When you date potential, you’re dating an ideal that you’ve imagined in your head—not really who they are, which isn’t fair to them. If who they are right now isn’t someone you want to be with, you owe it to them and to yourself to move on.