Here's the Scoop on Contemplative Dating

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When you hear the word “contemplative,” you probably think of a lovely Carmelite sister who spends all her days in prayer, or a hermit monk who lives in the mountains alone. But have you ever connected the word “contemplative” with “dating?”

That’s what we’re talking about today. And it’s not as crazy as you might think.

Dr. Michael DiPaolo connects these two terms in his marriage prep counseling, which he’s done with over 1,000 couples. As a clinical psychologist, DiPaolo has developed a unique method of incorporating contemplative principles into dating—completely counter-cultural in today’s world. This is why he calls his unique approach “contemplative dating.”

What is contemplative dating? 

Essentially, contemplative dating is a change in focus from looking outward toward others to looking inward towards yourself. You might not think this is a big game changer, but it is completely opposite of today’s dating mantra of “finding The One.” For example, a contemplative dater may be looking for a good partner, but he is most focused on preparing himself to be a good spouse. As DiPaolo puts it, “It’s not about finding the right person, it’s about being the right person.” 

“Not trying to turn anyone into a hermit!” he adds, in a radio interview. “It’s more the idea of looking at what that term ‘contemplative’ really means. [Dating] starts with becoming the right person. . . it’s really maintaining your own values in this hookup culture right now. It gives you the work you can do on yourself.”  

Sounds great, right? But what does contemplative dating look like in the practical world?

DiPaolo touches on six basic tips to kick off a more contemplative style for romance:

1.) Take a look in the mirror.

“Remember the old WWJD, or What Would Jesus Do?” DiPaolo says. “I use instead, Who Would Jesus Date? Would it be me? Am I living up to those values and living that life?” Asking yourself this is a great way to measure what you’ve been focused on in your dating life. Has it been getting enough dates, rushing relationships, or hunting down Mr./Mrs Right?

Or has it been focusing on becoming Mr./Mrs. Right? Essentially, growing into contemplative mindset begins with self-reflection. If you have spent all your time making lists of what you want in a spouse, it’s time to turn that list around and see how you measure up to your own standards. 

2.) Pray more intentionally.

“Listen to God and allow God’s voice to come in,” DiPaolo stresses. “How do we do that? That’s going to be a lot of the same processes we already do.” Begin seriously cultivating your prayer life, particularly silent or meditative prayer.

Another way to pray is to simply pay attention to what is happening. Maybe God is already directing you toward or away from a certain situation, person, or lifestyle, and is waiting for you to pick up the clues. In everything, remember to take mistakes and events as directives by the Holy Spirit. So be humble and start trying to pay attention to where God is acting in your daily life.

3.) Yes, still go out on dates.

“A lot of the work is going to happen through the date,” DiPaolo states. Obviously, it’s important to keep meeting people and going out on dates—you just have to turn off the mindset of looking for the perfect partner.

Instead, fixate on what you can give to someone. Dr. DiPaolo warns against trying to date a ton of people all at once. “Keep it in single digits,” he adds. “Don’t try to go out with twelve people this week, even though you could.” If all your time is spent racing off to different dates all the time, you might find little energy or motivation to do the hard work of self-reflection.

4.) Use online connections wisely.

Social media is a primary way for couples to meet these days, but there is a big difference between hookup apps and intentional dating apps. DiPaolo specifically mentions CatholicMatch during the Busted Halo interview as a program that encourages intentional dating, versus apps that encourage non-committal romances.

“There’s danger especially in the swipe apps. They can always become what I call soft porn,” DiPaolo warns. If you’re someone of faith who is using five dating sites or meetup apps, consider cutting down to just one or two. You’re looking to improve yourself, so choose social media connections that encourage those goals.

5.) Can you read nonverbals?

DiPaolo also stresses communication. “[Millenials have] difficulties around communication, with everything being digital. . . when you’re actually on a date, it’s a lot of new data to process,” he says. In the digital world, we lack things like eye contact, body language, facial expression, and tone of voice. You might not need to be well versed in those cues during online messaging, but real romantic relationships require heavy doses of nonverbal communication.

DiPaolo stresses the importance of learning positive communication styles and knowing what your body says to the other person. You can self-evaluate by reflecting on your own nonverbals and communication styles. Do you look people in the eye while they’re talking, or do you look at your phone? Do you smile and lean toward your date, or lean away and fold your arms? Try talking with friends or a mentor about how you carry yourself and find ways to improve.

6.) When in doubt, buddy up.

Accountability partners can be really helpful for maintaining physical romantic boundaries as well as improving your conversation, communication, and connection on dates. “I think that [partnering up] with a peer is going to be very helpful,” DiPaolo advises.

Find a like-minded friend and try it out! You two can discuss your reactions and thoughts about dating, discover what might be going well for you, and what might be holding you back. Obviously, don’t share personal details or private information your date wouldn’t be comfortable with. The goal of this exercise, remember, is to focus on how to improve your own actions.

Remember, you don’t have to implement every single idea simultaneously.

Just try one or two of these things and see if it makes a difference in your dating life. Many daters are already implementing some of these things, and adding one more tip may boost them into a more successful romance. 

Endnote: Thank you Sheryl for reaching out to me and suggesting an article on Dr. Michael DiPaolo’s work!