How to Date When You Have a Disability

Anybody who’s read my little author bio here knows that I deal with serious illness, work in the field of disabilities, and am married. Since I’ve been through these three things, I have been asked a lot about chronic illness, disabilities, and dating.

So today, here is the list of frequently asked questions I’ve both asked and heard over the years. Whether you have a chronic illness, a disability, or know someone who deals with either, read on!

1. I have a disability, and I just can’t trust that God will send someone who would “take me on.” How can I see myself as a worthy romantic spouse?

Even fully healthy people struggle with this. The answer boils down to loving God, trusting Him, and then allowing Him to lead you. As a single person with a serious health problem, your first job is to take care of yourself. Your body is the only body God has guaranteed you, and you need to take good stewardship of that first.

The next job is trusting that He created you for a reason and has a specific plan for you, which might very well include marriage. You must follow where He takes you. You are worth it, single or married. If you want to dive in deeper, read this.

2. If I have a disability, should I date someone with a disability?

It’s fine to explore casual dating without major concern, but make sure to be practical before things get serious. Shared health experiences can strengthen a couple’s understanding, but it can create needs that neither of you can fill. Personally, I knew I couldn’t marry someone who had a major physical disability, because when I (often) can’t walk, neither myself or a physically limited spouse would be able to handle the resulting needs.

To pursue dating without acknowledging that practicality was dangerous. However, there wouldn’t have been that issue if I'd dated someone with ADHD or bipolar disorder. Your map here is whether or not the disabilities together create a need, a danger, or worsen either person’s health. If you’ve cleared that test, you’re probably fine. Learn how to talk about your limitations with your date here.

3. Is it different for a man than for a woman to date with a disability/illness?

I won’t lie: yes. The genders are not the same. There is usually pressure on the man to provide a living and be strong. There is pressure on the woman to carry children and provide their hands-on care. When any of these expectations can’t be met, we run into confusion. My advice here is to take inventory of your skills. Figure out what you can do and can offer, and how that might affect relationships and potentially marriage.

If you can’t be a sole breadwinner, be open to a woman who wants a career outside the home. If you can’t have children, look for someone who is passionate about adoption or mission work in the community. As long as you’re acting in virtue, all these options are good.

Your romantic life won’t look like your neighbors’ or your friends’, and that’s okay. The best love stories are always unexpected! Don’t lie to your date, don’t pretend you can do everything, and don’t think you are worthless. Your love story should be as unique as you.

4. How do you manage long-distance dating if you can't travel?

The feeling of guilt is real! No matter how much you video chat, it doesn’t replace being able to physically go to your date’s home. With this struggle, the first thing is not to be intimidated—travel with health issues is terrifying, but you can do it safely. Here are basic guidelines for traveling with health problems. There are also great ideas for long-term or frequent travel and suggestions based on your mode of transport.

Whether or not you can go to your faraway sweetheart, remember, your health comes first. If your date resents your inability to travel, red flag! You don’t want a spouse who will guilt-trip you for every missed holiday. The right person will be supportive, reassuring, and practical, no matter where you are!

5. How do I talk about the impact my health could have on marital things like budgeting, medical bills, or children?

These are the types of serious discussions we have to have before throwing around proposals. If these topics don’t naturally come up, it’s your job to bring them up. You will feel awkward, but it’s good for both of you. Be honest, be positive, and most of all, be perceptive. Your relationship will depend heavily on what your significant other thinks. Tell the truth about your medications, how your illness affects your income, and what future complications might mean. If your illness/disability affects fertility and children, learn how to talk about this, too. Being able to discuss these topics will be an essential part of marriage.

Pay attention to what your significant other thinks, and make sure you’re both being truthful, practical, and responsible. Remember, love is what you are willing to do for another person. Use these hard conversations to explore how deep your love really is, and whether it’s enough to build a marriage on.

6. I’m a caretaker of someone with a serious illness or disability—should I date someone with health problems?

This is a good question that can be really hard for people to answer on their own. The key here is to know your own limits first. If you are already a caretaker, recognize that you can only be responsible for so much. You’re only human. Dating itself depends on the care you currently give compared to your date’s needs.

If you’re taking care of your mother who’s in a wheelchair, you can probably date the person with ADHD, because his needs won’t demand more of that same level of care from you. If your sibling deals with a mental disorder, then your date’s physical disability could be no big deal to you.

Beware of false optimism, though! When in doubt, consider what would happen if you’re overtaxed. For example, if you care for a family member with an emotional disturbance, you might not want to enter a serious relationship with significant other who also has an emotional disturbance. Unless you have golden circumstances, too much could rest on your shoulders and you will burn out.  Learn more about how to be a supportive, not enabling, romantic partner.

7. How do I address questions like “Why would you date her?” or “Doesn’t ____(fill in the blank)____ bother you?”

Okay, most people are actually really understanding and supportive of relationships involving illnesses/disabilities. Most spouses will at some point go through a health trial, anyway. A lot of people also have legitimate advice and valid concerns. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the Debby Downers in the peanut gallery, who just want to throw stones at your relationship in an attempt to better their own. Don’t let them get to you.

Work with your date to make sure both of you understand how you want to respond to (or ignore) naysayers. Remember, your job is not to please everybody. Your job is to follow what God has in store for you, no matter what other people think, even in your relationships.

What are your questions about dating and illness/disabilities? What did I miss? Shoot me a message and I’d love to help you!