How to Become a Better Dater By Next Year

My girlfriends and I sometimes swap our less-than-wonderful experiences of dating. 

Friends, can we just say it is really hard? I am not saying it's just hard for women. Let’s acknowledge for the men out there that it is hard for them too.

Whether you’re constantly swiping left on dating apps or you are seeing red flags everywhere before your dinner arrives on a first date, don’t you want to be the best dater you can become?

(Insert the theme music from Rocky).

You are standing on top of the steps, fist pumping in the air like a heavyweight champion. You feel you can do anything, perhaps even invincible. 

Is it possible to have that kind of internal attitude towards your own dating experience? 

Yes, I do think it is possible.

As I navigate my share of bad dates and meeting in an online age, there are several things I have learned in my life (and from friends) on how to become the best dater possible.

1. Give yourself a certain amount of time each day to make connections.

When you have discerned your vocation is marriage and you don’t see it happening in the moment, it can quickly become easy to obsess over the fact that a man/woman is not in your life right now. Perhaps it leads you to hyper-focus on the one piece missing from your life. That is neither healthy or good for you emotionally. Trust me, I have learned this the hard way over the years.

What I have found very helpful is only giving myself a certain amount of time each day to make connections and reach out to men: sending messages, responding, looking at profiles, or making tweaks to my profile. I ask Alexa to set a timer for me, I work on it for a solid 45-60 minutes, and when the timer goes off, I go back to living my own life.

It gives me the sense I am doing something and putting myself out there without making my entire life about meeting a good man. Because the reality is that if we are not enough on our own, we will not be in the right emotional and spiritual head space for when the right person does come along.

Set aside time each day, and then go back to living your full, rich life.

2. Ask the Holy Spirit to make things very clear.

After my annulment, I was a little nervous about dating and learning how to trust myself. My sister gently reminded me, “Ask the Holy Spirit to make it very clear as to what your next step should be.” I know it might sound really simple to you, but I find I need to be constantly reminded about the littlest things in the spiritual life.

There has to be a sacred balance between trusting your gut about a person with being open to getting to know someone. Sometimes I get a little hung up about that or overthink on what my next step should be.

But I keep returning back to the simple truth that voice of God in my life will never lead me astray. If I am seeking the will of God in all areas of my life, how much more would He want to speak it back to me?

Lean on the Holy Spirit as your invisible third wheel as you navigate the wonderful, weird world of dating. He is not holding out on you and will not leave you hanging. I promise the presence of God will show up and bring clarity, you only have to ask for His help.

3. Read good books on healthy relationships and dating.

I am a lover of books. In my own healing work, I have come across a lot of good books on things like dating, healthy Catholic sexuality, relationships, etc. 

If you are single and desiring to find the man/woman to share your life with, why not take the time to read good books that can positively impact your future relationship?

Learn about the different temperaments and how God wired you. Read about things like attachment theory, boundaries, and codependency. If you have trauma or grief or unforgiveness you are carrying in your heart, work through those issues now so they don’t follow you into a future relationship.

Learn about what are the principles that make a good marriage great from experts like Dr. John Gottman. Take time to understand why the Church teaches as She does on things like marriage, sexuality, and contraception.

Don’t wait to do your own work until you find someone, do it now!

Take time to learn and understand what you want your future healthy relationship to look like.

There are plenty more I could add, and maybe you have a few favorites of your own. The reality is, if you want to become a wise, healthy dater, it will take some work and focus on your part.

So what are you waiting for?

Let’s start!