Having Doubts About Your Relationship? Here’s What To Do!

Have you ever had doubts about your relationship? If you answered “no,” you can safely assume I’m laughing at you! Everyone doubts their romantic choices at some point. You can choose the perfect person but still have a passing worry about the relationship somewhere down the line. Doubts are normal. But they should not be ignored.

For example, let’s look at my dating doubts. When dating my now-husband, I would doubt my compromised health, my ability to travel (long-distance dating, anyone?), or if moving away from family would be too difficult for him. But I never once doubted his character, his faith, or our compatibility. The doubts I had were coming from my own overanalyzing, past hurts, and fear of the unknown. However, in a relationship I was in before I met my husband, my doubts looked quite different. I felt unsure whether this other fellow and I were a good personality fit, or if we had the elusive spark together. Though he was a great person, these doubts were coming from a place of real concern. And they turned out to be right.

So when doubts start cropping up in your dating life, try to determine which type of doubt you’re experiencing. Are you second-guessing yourself because of your own past or personal insecurities? Or are your concerns pointing to a real issue in the relationship itself? Also, pay attention to how long these doubts have been nagging you. A passing day of worrying is different from several weeks of second-guessing your romance. The longer the doubts have been around, the more likely they are pointing to something you need to address. When you can pinpoint the source of your doubts and how long it’s been bothering you, then you can move on to discussing them with your significant other. How and when you do this will depend on what stage of the relationship you are in.

Are you talking online, on the phone, or via video chat?

Brush your freakouts aside. You don’t know enough about this person yet to have doubts about a relationship together. Let’s say you’re messaging someone online and find yourself thinking, “But I don’t know if I can marry this person!” or “What if they’re different in real life?!” These are not doubts. This is premature panic. It might be coming from nerves, excitement, personal insecurities, or unaddressed wounds. Whatever the case is, take a deep breath and calm down! Give yourself time to get to know this person. (By the way, don’t confuse early freaking out with finding dealbreakers in a profile–that’s having standards, a discussion for a different day!)

Are you past the first date, but not yet exclusive?

There are a couple of options here. First, you might need a little more time to determine what exactly is bothering you, and if it is worth bringing up so early in the game. This is especially true if you’ve only been on one or two dates. For instance, you might start thinking, “Is the distance just too much?” or “He likes Novus Ordo and I like the Tridentine Mass, we’re doomed!” You might consider waiting a little bit longer and going on a couple more dates to bring up your worry. This will help you be certain you're not putting the marriage cart before the dating horse. A little extra time won’t hurt you here.

However, there’s another situation you might be facing where you’ll need to discuss your doubts as soon as possible. This is if you’ve changed your mind about something you initially thought you were cool with, or if you aren’t as ready for a relationship as you thought. Examples include: “I thought I was open to dating someone who had kids, but now I’m not so sure,” or “Wow, all I can think of is how my ex used to do things like this or that.” This is either a red flag on your compatibility or a sign you are not yet ready for a serious romance. Either way, bring things like this up sooner rather than later and be prepared to end things amicably.

Are you exclusively dating, or even engaged?

The time to talk about doubts is NOW. Do not wait to see if your doubts go away, or for a “perfect” time, or until after you’ve got wedding rings on. If you are a couple, you need to be honest with each other. Nagging doubts in serious relationships might simply be a misunderstanding, or they could signify something is very wrong. Doubts might seem simple, like: “We want very different things for a wedding; is this a red flag?” Or they could be overtly serious, such as: “Are we actually attracted to each other?” or “Are they with me just so they won’t be alone anymore?” No matter how simple the doubt seems, it could be pointing to a bigger issue. The only way to find your answers is to talk it over with your significant other, calmly and honestly. Sit down together, discuss how you both feel, and face whatever changes this may result in for your relationship.

The longer you’ve been together, the more time you’ll want to make decisions. This is an opportunity to explore your coping and communication skills as a couple. If you’re truly a good match, you’ll find a solution and come out stronger on the other side. However, you might not be able to reconcile these doubts with your romance, and you need to break up. This is also good; it’s far better to call off an engagement than to vow your life to someone you don't want to marry! Also, consider bringing in your trusted family, friends, spiritual directors, or professional counselors. If you’ve gotten this far in the relationship, obviously you have some potential for marriage together. But some potential might not be enough potential. That’s okay.

As always, you should pray about your doubts and ask God to give you direction through them. This is an opportunity for you to discern how you should be dating, as well as whom you should be dating! Remember, doubts are normal. Every couple has struggles and worries sometimes. No relationship is ever 100%, totally certain about feelings, futures, or ideas. How you handle these struggles and doubts will determine what your relationship will look like in the future.