There's an ocean of questions we only ask ourselves in the dark.
Beyond the questions of “why are you still single” and “how have you not been snatched up yet?” there lies an ocean of questions we only ask ourselves in the dark.
What is wrong with me? Will I end up like [insert bad relationship you saw growing up here]? Am I destined to be alone forever? Why can’t I just be better already? How can I die to myself when I don’t even like the person in the mirror? If I’m supposed to be joyful, why can’t I stop crying?
These questions can hurt us, and hurt our romantic relationships before we even enter them. By creating a pattern of negative thinking, we are training our brains to a) not value ourselves, making us more vulnerable to toxic relationships, b) place unrealistic expectations on others to make us feel good about ourselves, and c) trap us in abusive thought patterns with ourselves.
All of these issues need healing. And sometimes the proper place to receive that healing is in counseling.
Why should you seek out counseling or therapy rather than another type of service, like spiritual direction or an extra-long session in the confessional?
Well, besides the fact that occupying the entire hour of available confession time is rude to the people in line behind you, thought patterns and toxic beliefs are not issues for spiritual direction. But don’t worry if you didn’t know that; lots of people think they’re interchangeable.
Let’s break down the differences between spiritual direction and counseling.
Spiritual direction is meant to help you grow in holiness. It focuses on the transcendent. Counseling is about the whole person, and is a scientific endeavor that addresses the brain, behaviors, and feelings. Side by side, spiritual direction says, “help me be holy” and counseling says, “help me be whole.”
They aren’t opposed to each other in any way, and for Catholics are perfectly compatible. But they aren’t the same thing. For example, you would talk to your counselor about your anxiety impacting your work relationships, and you would talk to your spiritual director about your scrupulosity in prayer.
[click_to_tweet tweet="Side by side, spiritual direction says, help me be holy and counseling says, help me be whole." quote="Side by side, spiritual direction says, help me be holy and counseling says, help me be whole."]
But, I hear you argue, isn’t counseling for people who just can’t get it together on their own?
You know, for people with “real problems”? Honey, we are all people with real problems who can’t get it together. Whatever “it” is. And that’s perfectly reasonable because we live in an insane world. Seeking therapy used to be for “acute cases” but, nowadays, everyone is an acute case.
Life is stressful. And you don’t have to be dealing with multiple personalities or an eating disorder to seek help for your mental health. Nearly 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. live with a mental illness, which means it isn't rare. Anxiety, depression, and trauma are so normalized we often forget how damaging these issues are to our lives.
[click_to_tweet tweet="Seeking therapy used to be for acute cases but, nowadays, everyone is an acute case." quote="Seeking therapy used to be for acute cases but, nowadays, everyone is an acute case."]
Going to therapy, whether for a specific problem or just as a mental health check in, can help you grow in so many ways. And ultimately, becoming the person God created you to be is the purpose of all self-growth and discovery.
Counseling can help us clear out the dusty corners of our minds and hearts, and discover where we could be storing old wounds or brokenness that is holding us back in life. It can give us a fresh perspective on our state in life and help us clarify our dreams and vocations.
Actively healing from the inside...
No matter how wonderful or terrible our families of origin are, there could be wounds and issues that we need to address and heal. For those of us who want to be husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, it is vitally important that we look at unhealthy or toxic cycles and behaviors.
Part of the vocation of lay people is to redeem every sector of society, starting with the family. This means more than just showing up to church every Sunday or praying before meals. It means actively seeking healing from the wounds of sin.
Therapy should be a tool for transformation, or metanoia, if you will. By changing our minds and hearts, turning them more toward the heart of the Father and the mind of Christ, we become more holistically the people—the saints—we are meant to be.
Here is a list of saints who are patrons of mental illness who would love to accompany you on your journey of healing. Remember, beloved, God works through all things for the good of those who love him. Even if we happen to be going through insanity.
