Trouble With a Date? Perhaps They Have a Disability

Have you dated someone with a disability? You probably have, but you may not know it.

According to this study from a few years ago, over 56.7 million people in the United States have a diagnosed disability, and this report says 15% of the world’s population experiences disability. And this doesn’t include the millions who go undiagnosed!

What do these numbers have to do with you?

It means, at some point in your life, whether you know it or not, you will encounter someone who has a disability. I remember when I was online dating, a gentleman talked about his high-functioning autism, and his search for someone who would understand his unique mind. Another person told me he was 80% deaf and communicated primarily by sign language. Yet another used a wheelchair on a daily basis. I was impressed by all these gentlemen. Each one was unique and unafraid to own his disability. And that, my friends, is awesome.

So, let’s explore how some of your common dating questions might be related to a disability.

1. “Why are his messages so boring?” or “I have to wait forever for her to message back.”

Someone who struggles with written or spoken language might have a speech disorder, dyslexia, or verbal retrieval issues. The difficulty of typing may make messages seem disorganized, misspelled, or confusing. For someone who struggles with spoken language, phone calls might be stilted.

So if that lovely girl gives you her number but doesn’t want to talk on the phone, don’t write her off as immature. She might communicate best through text. You can always ask what your date prefers—their strong suit might be something more visual, musical, or artistic.  Also, consider meeting in person early on. Finding commonalities is usually easier to do in person than guessing from behind a screen.

2. “Why can’t she talk on the phone with me?” or “He won’t text or email me, even though we’re long-distance dating. What’s wrong?”

Someone who has an auditory or visual disability isn’t always completely lacking that particular sense. Often, people can see or hear to some extent, just not enough to make common things like texting or phone calls comfortable.

Your boyfriend with a hearing problem might rely on facial expression, sign language, or other communication aids. The girlfriend who is legally blind might be really good at talking on the phone, but things like texts and photos might be difficult. Consider developing a fun way of communicating via your date’s strengths.

Instead of trying to talk on the phone with your boyfriend, have you tried sending fun pictures of things that remind you of them? Instead of letters or emails to tell your girlfriend how you feel, could you try sending a piece of clothing or a fun memento via snail-mail? Memories don’t have to be spoken or written down to be shared.

3. “He’s so quiet on our dates, will it ever get better?” or “She’s so painfully shy.”

Social skills disabilities can be caused by anxiety, autism spectrum disorder, or developmental delays. Perhaps your lady’s anxiety makes the first coffee date stressful. Maybe your date thinks your flirty wink is simply a bug in your eye because he can’t pick up on body language cues.

Do your best to be sensitive to differences in social skills. Social skills are learned, not automatic, and for some people it’s just not their strong suit. Until you get more comfortable with each other, try activities that don’t require tons of social interaction on your first dates. Going to a movie, playing video or board games, reading aloud to each other, learning a new craft, or even snapping photos of things can all ease the structure of social convention.

4. “Why can’t we just walk? It’s only a block away.” or “Why can’t we do something active for once?”

Someone who has physical or orthopedic limitation might use things like crutches, a wheelchair, or a prosthesis. They might struggle with fine-motor movements like writing, or gross-motor tasks like climbing stairs. They could have a past injury, cerebral palsy, or a disease like mine. People often don’t understand why Lyme disease stops me from playing paintball and going snowboarding.

From the outside, this stuff can seem really limiting. But if you think outside the box, life can be just as fulfilling in different ways. Team up with your date to find great things you can do together. Are you into nature but can’t go hiking? Consider a boat tour on the river or a train ride to enjoy scenic views. Love music but can’t go dancing? Try going to watch a live band, or visit a musical theater.

5. “Why won’t she come to the concert with me?” or “I’m tired of coffee dates, but he doesn’t want to try any place new!”

People who deal with hyper- or hypo-sensitivity have nerves that are either overactive or under-active, which makes them react to a sensory overload. This could be due to a food allergy, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, or a past concussion which affects how much noise or light they can handle.

Someone who is visually sensitive might enjoy dates in natural daylight or dim cafes with gentle lamps. Someone sensitive to sound might love a quiet art museum or a bookstore cafe.  With your date in mind, think about your surroundings. Is there a shady park by the river away from crowds? A vegan restaurant that won’t set off an allergy? If you’re not sure, ask your date.

6. “I thought we were getting along, but then he seems distant again.” or “She won’t tell me what she’s feeling. What’s going on?”

Someone who struggles with emotions and behavior could suffer from something like depression, post traumatic stress disorder, or bipolar disorder. This type of disability often carries a misplaced stereotype: that someone with this is immature and not a real adult. That’s simply not true. The key is to get to know your date in ways that make them comfortable.

If you know something bothers them, don’t do it. Ask if there is somewhere you can go or something you can do that will help them be at ease. Offer them choices, because emotional or behavioral disabilities can make decisions stressful. You will both need to determine needs and boundaries in your relationship—going silent for weeks is not a healthy way to deal with depression, nor is bottling up anger. Maybe she needs more alone time than most women. Maybe his outlet is working out every day. Remember, take things slow, be tactful, and don’t take an outburst or relapse personally. It’s probably not meant against you.

Remember that a disability doesn't define your date. How they live their life tells you more about who they are.

This post is not an exhaustive list, merely a springboard to give you some basic information. Remember, disabilities are just another trait of the whole person and a label does not define someone. It’s how a person lives his or her life that tells us who they are.

Be respectful, be caring, and don’t make harsh judgments. If you’re confused, ask. Be one of those awesome people who doesn’t judge a book by its cover. God made us all different. What better way to recognize and celebrate the differences than to learn about them?