When All Else Fails, Try Being Yourself

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Does anybody remember “The Rules”?

It was a book that came out several years ago (full title The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right), that purported to give a simple set of dos and don’ts that were sure to help you achieve what was assumed to be your ultimate goal: “Marriage, in the shortest time possible, to a man you love, who loves you even more than you love him.”

It was quite the phenomenon in its time. “Rules” support groups sprung up. The authors developed a thriving business offering “Rules” phone consulting and in-person seminars for women desperate to finally close the deal with the man of their dreams. At one point, a discussion of the book even sparked a screaming match on Oprah.

Of course we all read the book when it first came out. The overall idea was good—that women need to maintain or regain their self-respect, and to stop chasing men who don’t want them, or putting up with men who treat them poorly.  Some of the advice was common sense—“No more than casual kissing on the first few dates,” “Don’t waste your energy on someone who isn’t interested,” and “Don’t date a married man” (duh!), for example.

But there were other rules that struck some of us as a little less than straightforward.

Advice like “Don’t meet him halfway,” “Don’t call him, and rarely return his calls,” and “Never accept a date for Saturday if he asks after Wednesday” struck us as being a little manipulative. And, as some have pointed out, they struck us as tending to blur the line between a woman who is playing hard to get because she is truly interested, and one who is trying to distance herself from a potential stalker. (When I had a stalker, I never called him, either.) The last thing we need is a book that tells stalkers that our silence is really signaling our interest.

What wound up happening was that a lot of women spent their Saturday nights at home eating Ben and Jerry’s when they could have been out on a perfectly lovely date, all because the poor hapless soul doing the inviting missed a deadline he didn’t even know about.

In addition, there were a lot of women out who were twisting themselves into pretzels trying to play a role, thanks to advice like “Be honest but mysterious,” “Don’t be funny,” and — the one that summed up all the others—“Be a creature unlike any other.” 

So the dating pool was full of women who were all trying to be unlike any other, and wound up being unlike themselves.

Which is not exactly a recipe for a successful long-term relationship.

The book is still in print, but the whole phenomenon lost steam when one of the authors, who had been touting her own fabulous marriage as a testimony to the power of The Rules, announced her impending divorce.

An antidote to The Rules

In contrast, I heard a woman named Alison Armstrong on the radio the other day.  Her main focus is helping women to better understand men. And from what I can tell—and what men say about her work—she’s quite good at it. She also has some great insights into relationships between men and women.

The other day, without referencing “The Rules” by name, she clearly referenced “The Rules.” She was talking about how she advises dating women to—what a concept—be themselves. Don’t manipulate. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, or pretend to be busy when you’re not, or pretend to have to get off the phone when you don’t.

If you don’t want him (or her) to know that you have no life outside of your dates, then...well, get a life. Don’t just pretend to be busy. Get actually busy.  

She told a story about a woman who came to her with a question about a dating situation she had. Alison’s advice was “tell him the truth.”

The woman’s response was immediate. “I can’t do that! What if he’s The One?”

You should want "The One" to know the truth about you

Umm...if knowing the truth about you is going to be deal breaker, then how could he be The One? By definition, doesn’t The One have to actually like you as you really are?

Why do we think that we have to change who we are to attract The One who will join his or her life to us, and then think that One will love us for ourselves? If somebody is going to love you, they’re going to love your funny, or your quirky, or your whatever-it-is that makes you distinctly yourself.

"The Rules" are about trying to become what "men" want, to impress "men." But you, whether a man or a woman, shouldn't be trying to impress the opposite sex in general. You want to impress the one who is looking for someone like you, someone who wants what you have to offer. The rest of them can go pound sand. Your job is to sift through the ones who don't want you (or you don't want), and to find the true match, where each appreciates the other as he or she really is.

Of course, none of this means we don’t put our best foot forward when we’re dating.

You aren’t going to show up for a first date without showering and brushing your teeth and wearing something nice. The same goes for your demeanor and your personality. In every way, you want to be your best self. 

But that doesn’t mean stifling your “funny” if you’re funny, or your analytical if you’re analytical, or your chatty if you’re chatty. It doesn’t mean spending the whole evening trying to figure out how to be “mysterious,” or a “creature like no other"—who is, in fact, exactly like every other girl who has read The Rules.

Make sure you’re bringing your best self. Not somebody else’s. 

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