Your Guide to Surviving (And Maybe Even Enjoying!) The Online Dating Process

Many people claim to hate online dating.

Yet, daters keep returning to the online world over and over again. And they are right to do so. Online dating offers a huge pool of singles none of us could dream of meeting in our normal lives—and if you join something like CatholicMatch in particular, you are already starting off with shared values. What’s to hate about that?

I think there are very, very few people who truly hate online dating itself. Intead, what online daters hate is getting stuck in the process, and getting discouraged when they can’t find romance as fast as they were hoping. If you feel this way, you are not alone! You are also not without solutions.

So, where in the online dating process do people get stuck, and what can you do about each one of them? Let’s explore!

Deciding to join (or rejoin) online dating:

Odds are high you’ve already over-thought this, right? Joining online dating really isn’t any different than every other social media, but for some reason, it seems like a way bigger deal. What would your parents say? Would your friends laugh at you? Does rejoining again make you desperate?!

I’m here to tell you, the stigma you’re feeling about online dating simply isn’t real. These days, especially after a worldwide pandemic, there isn’t the widespread notion dating online is desperate or incredibly awkward. In fact, it’s more the norm than not nowadays. Pretty much everyone I’ve met who was born after 1990 has done online dating, and most don’t even blink an eye about it. Many people older than millennials have found online dating is a great fit for them, too.

Overall, don’t let worry, imaginary stigma, or your own hang-ups get in the way of joining CatholicMatch if it’s something you want to explore. If you’re curious and interested in meeting other single Catholics, just go for it!

First messages:

So, you read a few articles about writing a good profile, added your favorite pictures, and joined. Usually, online daters have one of two experiences: either they start messaging with a whole lot of people right off the bat, or they find themselves with an empty inbox and few local prospects. If you’re in the first group, I’m guessing you’re a brand new member, likely in a well-populated area!

For your next steps, keep networking away—message with anyone and everyone who catches your eye. Your word of warning: don’t fall into the trap of thinking your options are endless. The “new member” notification goes away after a while, and traffic on your profile will slow down naturally. Keep this in mind before passing by great messages or profiles.

If you fall into the latter group and feel relatively unnoticed, don’t fret! Especially if you are rejoining or revamping an older profile, your profile might skate under the radar. For your next steps, challenge yourself to truly open the online doors.

For instance, widen the distance parameters in your searches, reach out to those who might not be your “type,” or start taking member quizzes on different profiles. Your word of warning: don’t ditch online dating out of despair. Most online daters are on-and-off again members, and very few people meet a future spouse the first time they join CatholicMatch.

The Message Loop: (how do we move forward from here?!)

You might find yourself occasionally (or often) caught in a lengthy stage of messaging indefinitely. You know you’re both interested, but for some reason, neither of you is making the next move. Some good fixes for this are prevention: state on your profile if you want to swap numbers early, or if you like to meet up as soon as possible. Doing so will clue in other online daters to your expectations, remove general confusion, and help people you’re talking to not to be scared to jump ahead.

If you find yourself in one of these endless messaging loops after that, it’s best to cut to the chase. If you’re a gentleman, err on the side of boldness: check out this article for a messaging tutorial! If you’re a lady, you can do the very same thing if you feel comfortable with it.

If not, read about this magic question you can ask to move things along! In general, whether you’re male or female, the main point is to take the conversation off the messaging boards. You can ask for phone numbers, swap social media handles, trade emails, or cut right to asking for that first meetup!

Those first dates:

So you FINALLY have a date on the calendar. Success! All your efforts and searching have led you to an in-person meetup. You are ready to see this new person and have fun getting to know each other. As you should!

There is a caveat with first dates based on an online connection: they don’t deliver instant discernment. Nobody expects love-at-first-sight, it’s-The-One! connection from dates you met at work or church, right? But if you’ve met each other through an online dating site, it’s easy to expect those things when you finally are face to face. Why? Online dating profiles and extensive messaging can give a false impression that you know your date way better than you really do.

So, putting marriage discernment pressure on a first date is a recipe for disappointment! The fix for this is pretty easy. Keep your enthusiasm and excitement, because you definitely should be looking forward to dates and having fun. Just remember to hit pause on wondering “could I marry this person?” (Here’s when you should ask this question!) Focus on getting to know who this person is, not what they can offer you romantically, and see what happens from there. 

And back to the beginning again:

Spoiler: most first dates won’t lead to a lasting relationship. (Another reason not to put pressure on first dates!) So your great online connection fizzled out in the real world, leaving you way more frustrated than you’d like to admit and right back at the beginning. How do you keep from giving up? Answer: take the annoying cliche phrase “think positive” and change it to your new mantra “do positive.” Yes, thinking positive will help, but DOING positive will truly make a difference as you restart the online dating process. What does doing positive look like? 

• End all correspondence and/or rejections with “thank you for your time, and best of luck to you!” You can always benefit from keeping your online reputation positive and mannerly.

• Put your eggs in many baskets by talking to multiple people at once. There really are plenty of fish in the sea!

• Brainstorm ideas to make your future first dates more fun, even if your connections keep fizzling. No date has to be super boring, even if it’s clear you’re not cut out for each other.

• Have some self-improvement goals and put them on your calendar. Whatever you have always wanted to do or work on, just start doing it. You’ll be surprised how much it lifts your mood!

• Put yourself out there in the real world, too. Online is not the only place to meet other singles, so don’t neglect normal life opportunities!

• Buddy up and share your dating journey. Involving a faithful friend or two in your love life can spell the difference between bemoaning your single fate, and staying hopeful through the ups and downs of the romantic world.

Date online with less stress and more confidence.

There you have it, a guide to surviving (and maybe even thriving) in the online dating process! Ditch the complaints about how much you hate online dating. Instead, troubleshoot your online woes and learn how to make the process work for you. This will definitely put you on the right path! I can’t guarantee you’ll meet Mr. Right or the girl of your dreams by following this, but I can’t promise it won’t happen either. Focus on improving your online experience, and then, time will tell where it takes you.