What My Parents Think of Online Dating
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How do you talk to your parents about online dating?
“My mom would flip out if she knew!”
“I can’t talk to my dad about it, that’s weird.”
“I don’t even know how I would tell them."
You’ve probably heard that before. Does anyone know how to talk to your parents about online dating? The few articles I could find on the Internet told me to downplay the whole thing, keep it a secret, or even lie about it! Often, people procrastinate on telling parents about online dating. But the longer it goes undercover, the weirder it is to bring up. It’s just so awkward, it’s easier to avoid telling them, right?
I’m in black, my mom’s in green. I know, we look more like sisters.
You probably know where I’m going with this, because I’m nothing if not awkward. I decided to go right to the source to hear what parents have to say: I interviewed my mother.
She’s been married for thirty years, homeschooled nine kids, has a master’s degree, does foster care, and can basically build a house from scratch. (No, I’ll never be able to live up to her example.) So without further ado, here’s our conversation:
1. What was your first reaction to your kids joining online dating?
“When three of my daughters joined CatholicMatch, I felt fairly comfortable about it, because they were all in their twenties and had finished college. (It would have been a different story if they were teenagers with an insufficient creep-radar!)
My girls had a hard time meeting people in ‘real life’—unlike me, who eventually married my first-grade classmate. They work in female-dominated places, live in a small rural community, and belong to a small church. Plus, two of my oldest daughters are chronically ill. I didn’t get nervous about them dating online until it came to the point of an actual in-person date. I felt like getting in the car to go along, like Bobby Brady on The Brady Bunch! It felt unsafe meeting a date off the Internet, because in ‘normal’ dating, a family usually has an idea of where a date comes from.”
2. What do you think are the worst and best parts of online dating?
“Safety is always the biggest worry. There’s always the possibility of creeps or cons when you’re online! In that interest, my daughters always took their own cars, met in public, and provided a name and number to me or another family member when they were meeting a guy for the first time. Better safe than sorry!
“The best thing about online dating is not being limited by geographical area. My daughters have dated people they met in person, but there was always something missing, like Catholic faith, a complementary personality, or whatever. Online dating was a fantastic way for them to widen their prospects. For them, and probably for others, online dating wasn’t a desperate last resort—it’s a way to increase the pool of people whose values line up with your own.”
3. What was something unexpected for you about your kids online dating?
“Moms often have the not-so-easy job of answering questions about new boyfriends from family and friends, which can be weirder than you think. I honored whatever my daughters’ wishes were on that.
One daughter didn’t immediately share that she met her boyfriend online, out of concern for her younger friends. She didn’t want them assuming the Internet was the only way to find Mr. Right, in case they decided to bypass real-life dating experiences. Another daughter was totally open about her online experience from the start. It really just depends on the person and the situation.
4. What advice would you give to people who want to tell their parents about online dating?
“Maybe start by telling your parents that you want to share something you’ve been exploring. If you want, tell them you’re not looking for their opinion, but that you just want them to be aware. That way they won’t wonder why someone with Kentucky license plates just showed up at your Minnesota front door!
Also, try giving your parents a little credit—online dating has become very commonplace, and they probably know lots of people who have met that way. If you aren’t comfortable telling your parents, make sure you tell someone who is close to you, like a sibling or best friend. Someone needs to have your back when you’re going out with someone new.
5. What would you tell the parents?
“I would tell parents to respect their child’s privacy. Don’t pry. I don’t always know exactly when my kids are online dating, I’ve never seen their profiles, or asked who they’re talking to. My kids always initiated and shared what they were comfortable with. Once they started the conversation or told me about someone specific, I felt that was an appropriate time to ask questions.
Overall, don’t worry too much. I think online dating has been great for my kids—two of them married their Internet guys!”
Shoutout to my mom for all that great perspective! (Cheers and applause echo...)
But, you ask, what do you do, moving forward with your own parents?
Step one: Take a serious look at WHY you’re keeping online dating under wraps. Is it a default mode? Are you worried or embarrassed? Think your parents will pin all their future-grandchildren hopes on it? Is your dad online dating, too? (That could be weird.) Whatever the case, just define your reasoning.
Step two: Seriously consider whether or not said reasoning is ethical to both yourself and those around you. Often, intentionally keeping things secret points to our own insecurity about the decision. Obviously, you’re an adult, and you make the final call on who needs to know what. But if you find yourself hiding a significant portion of your life from close family, take a step back and examine whether that’s the right thing to do. Pray about it.
Step three: Decide what you want to share. You don’t have to report all the details. You don’t have to ask your mom to take pictures of you for your profile. For heaven’s sake, don’t bring your dad on your first date. But you might want to at least clue them in to your dating situation. They’re your parents, they love you and truly want what’s best, even if they have a funny way of showing it sometimes. Not sure how to share? Keep it casual. Talk about it like Facebook or a new church group. Or you could send them this article with the caption “Surprise!”
Just remember, the family is the first school of love, and we should value and love the family we come from.
Obviously, no one’s perfect, and many of us have serious issues with our parents. But do we really want to sow the seeds of division about something as commonplace as online dating? Yes, it’s weird to talk about, and yes, you might feel awkward bringing it up. They might feel the same way. Does that mean we should keep avoiding this conversation? I don’t think so. Embrace the awkwardness. You might be pleasantly surprised!
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