For all the men out there who have tried and failed.
I'd like to address the trope of women saying "I just want a nice guy" and then proceeding to turn down all the guys who approach them "nicely.” What is this "nice" approach, and why is it always striking out?!
The “nice guy” approach is stereotyped as a sweet, sensitive guy who reaches out, maybe a little shyly, to the woman he likes. The lady typically is unimpressed and turns him down flat. What went wrong here? Can you actually be too “nice?”
Yes. Yes you can.
When women say they want “a nice guy,” they probably mean a strong and confident man who is kind. Men usually think “nice guy” means someone noticeably sweet, a rom-com “softie,” or one who loudly pines for the woman he wants. This idea often comes from cultural norms, media representation, and unrealistic expectations of previous dates/girlfriends. (To all men who have been burned as such, I apologize on behalf of said girlfriend. She probably knows better by now.)
These differing ideas aren’t the main problem.
The central issue is how this leads men to have no idea what women want, and therefore they can’t make a good first impression.
Think of your first impression like a spectrum. On one end there’s “desperate softie” and on the other is “arrogant jerk.” You want to land somewhere in the middle, right? There are three main things to keep in mind:
- Be bold. As my husband once told me, “It's easier to dial it back a few notches than to pick up your game once you've already given the ‘softie’ impression!” Being bold is usually interchangeable with being intentional. Be unafraid to pursue your interest, and self-assured enough to put yourself in the path of potential rejection.
- Be kind. Nobody likes someone who’s mean, pessimistic, or always looking at the glass half empty. Every woman wants the man who is good to people. Show kindness and positivity toward your date, others, and yourself. Romance will thank you.
- Be playful. Dating is supposed to be a fun get-to-know you for potential romantic interests. Being lighthearted, charming, and seeing the humor in things will not only help dating be fun, but also show your dates you’re confident enough to be at ease with them. This is the whole idea behind flirting!
Bold, kind, and playful. Got it. What does that look like on a profile or in messaging?
Let’s look at the wrong way to write profiles or messages, including the common female reactions in parentheses:
“If you go out with me I’ll treat you like the princess you are!” (Read: this fellow looks predatory and desperate!)
“I’m praying hard for God to tell me whether we could get married.” (Read: this is serious pressure for being strangers on the Internet.)
“You won’t meet a sweeter and kinder guy than me!” (Read: still desperate.)
My girlfriends and I have all seen our share of messages like this. The writers tried too hard to be “nice” and strayed too far into softie territory. Where is the playfulness, and the confidence? Charm can lighten the mood via humor, lightheartedness, and the oft-underestimated emoji.
Things like this will get you much farther toward that first date:
“I am an old-fashioned gentleman. Without the top hat, of course ;).” (Read: a gentleman who wants to pursue traditional gender roles, but isn’t creepy about it. Note the emoji!)
“They say God has a sense of humor: that probably explains why I’m still single!” (Read: he wants to get married, but he’s lighthearted instead of discerning marriage from profile pics.)
“I love kittens! Who doesn’t?!” (Read: Awww, this guy must be really sweet!)
See what I mean? Being playful as well as bold can make a world of difference!
Another thing you can do is to face down rejections so they don't scare you anymore. Commit to a week of messaging all types of ladies and asking for phone numbers within that week. You’ll get practice with rejection, messaging, and if you’re lucky, a couple phone numbers out of the deal.
Another chance for boldness comes when you and a lady aren’t getting off the ground via messaging. You then have two choices: let the conversation peter out, or jump right to asking for a phone number. Only one of those options will give you a chance at a date, by the way.
How do you ask for a phone number, and for a first date for that matter? Tack your invite on to the end of your message, and keep it within the normal flow of your conversation. Think:
“So we’ve talked for a while. Taking you out to dinner would be even better than messaging! Thoughts?” (Read: He’s intentional in a direct and respectful way.)
“Shall we continue this conversation on the phone, or would you prefer telegrams?” (Read: He’s bold, but still lighthearted.)
“Can you do me a favor? I lost my phone number, so I’d like to borrow yours . . . ;p” (Read: This fellow is both corny and confident!)
On the actual first date, there is a lot less room for confusion.
Why? Messages are merely words on a screen, and there isn’t any body language or tone of voice to help daters out. On real dates, you have all those things plus real-life actions! And everyone knows, actions speak louder than words. Being bold can be expressed through chivalry, which you probably know how to do. Opening doors and paying for coffee is just as attractive as it was seventy years ago!
Show kindness by complimenting your date on her dress, noting her education, or thanking her for making time for you. (Or all three.) Be as playful as you normally are with your female friends or sisters! Dating is supposed to be enjoyable, so make a lame joke or point out how you tore your sleeve getting out of the car. Whatever direction your date goes, merely taking things with a teaspoon of humor will go a long way.
Overall, it’s pretty safe to say you can ditch the “nice guy” approach. Men who are bold and kind get much farther in the dating game! You’re off to a good start by reading this article. Your future wife will probably thank you.
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