Is It Time to Talk About Marriage?

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Everyone says not to discern marriage based on profiles, over the phone, or while on first dates.

But when do you actually start talking about it? When is it safe to bring up that eventual goal of dating?

Good news, folks. The answer is easier than you think. You can talk about marriage when two simple things are in place:

a) you have built trust together over time, and 

b) you have talked about the principles of your relationship specifically. 

That’s it.

So first, we come to building trust.

You should not commit to someone before building a solid trust between each other, which takes time and lots of interaction. Build your friendship without pressuring romantic commitment, and simply take your time enjoying dating! During this building trust phase, you often talk about your standards or principles of life or dating in general, but don’t confuse this with the principles of your specific relationship. (More on that in a moment.)

How long does it take to build trust? It’s different for every person and every relationship. If you’re not sure about your own particular situation, try asking some trusted family members, best friends, and perhaps your priest for their input. Always pray about it, and don’t be afraid to talk to your significant other about your trust levels.

There's a reason most Catholic priests won't marry a couple earlier than six months out, because you need time for any facades to fade or secrets to come to light. (And obviously, a lack of trust after a while of dating is a red flag.) The key to all this is sensible caution: if you feel unsure about whether you trust this person enough, you probably don’t. You need a little more intentional time together, and it will become clear later. Don’t worry, time won’t hurt the right relationship! 

Second, you need to have talked about the principles of your specific relationship.

And it should be in a natural, incremental way! Many of your principles might come up early on, in messaging or phone calls or on a couple of early dates. It’s imperative you don’t treat those conversations like a one-and-done deal. Remember what I said about the principles of dating in general, versus the principles of your specific relationship?

Early on, daters often talk about their principles in a generalized, theoretical way, because they don’t know each other well enough to actually apply them. After you build trust, you should discuss those principles more deeply, and see how they influence your particular relationship. 

Usually, this happens once you’re exclusively dating, and in comes the natural increment part. Don’t feel the need to whip out your checklist once you’re exclusive, simply to race ahead. Instead, bring this stuff up one thing at a time, over different dates, and when it naturally flows in the conversation. For instance, if one of you is a teacher, talking about your work might naturally lead to a topic about how much you like or want kids.

If one of your principles has gone untouched in normal conversation, you can introduce it as simply as “I’d like to talk to you about ________.”

Common principles of a romantic relationship often include:

  • Religion: Religious practices and standards lay the foundation of any marriage! What are yours?
  • Family of origin: Have you met each other’s families? Have you talked about your family dynamics?
  • Past relationships: Are you both technically free to marry? What did you learn from past relationships? Are there annulments to finalize
  • Intimacy: NFP, pornography, or future/present children could all fit in here. What are your experiences and what are your expectations?
  • Finances and careers: How do you handle money? What kind of careers do you have in mind? What about debt?
  • Communication: Do you agree on how to handle conflict? Have you established healthy communication together?
  • . . . and any other principles you find important!

You don’t have to be on exactly the same page with these, but you probably want to be in the same book. If you’ve built the trust you need for these conversations, you should be able to respect differences, find compromises where applicable, and discover if you have good marriage potential.

Do building trust and talking about principles have to happen in strict sequence? Not necessarily.

Like I said earlier, dating around and even messaging on CatholicMatch often include a lot of very important topics. The difference is if you’re seriously dating, you need to discuss how these things look and feel in your own particular relationship, and whether that’s something you want to carry forward into marriage.

This leads into a really easy way to actually bring up the “M-word.” Perhaps you run into a difference of opinion in these deep discussions or strike upon a happy agreement. You can simply slide the phrase “if we get married” into your conversation. Like: “If we were to get married, I’d like to focus on paying off student loans before the wedding.” Or “I’m so glad you are into NFP, that’s great if we decide to get married!”

And really, once you’ve built solid trust and talked about principles specific to you as a couple, there’s really no wrong way to start talking about marriage! Go ahead and ask if your significant other would like to talk about getting married. Bring up how you feel about an engagement in the future. Ask if she’d like to go ring-shopping. Suggest doing a book study on marriage. Whatever fits for you as a couple and your personality is great! 

Just remember, there’s no pressure to pop a proposal just because you’re talking about marriage.

There’s still lots of discernment to happen, especially if you do get engaged. These two basic rules are simply safeguards to prevent overcommitment to a virtual stranger. Prayer and openness to God’s will, along with these guidelines, will help you be your best dating self. Date bravely and sensibly, folks!

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