Are You Searching Far Enough?

What are your search settings like when it comes to the location of a potential match?

Have you discerned whether you should be open to dating someone halfway across the country...or halfway around the world? 

I’d argue that for many singles, widening the geographic search radius and simultaneously narrowing down potential matches to only include those who share their core beliefs and values, leads to a higher likelihood of success—versus only searching for local singles who may or may not agree on “the big stuff.” 

“There were just two potential matches within five hours of me….”

James and I came at long-distance dating from very different places. He was living in a rural Western mountain town that he originally described to me as being “200 miles from the closest WalMart”! When he originally signed on to CatholicMatch, he found just two potential matches within five hours of him...and both profiles disappeared once he specified that he wanted to find someone who accepted all of the Church’s teachings.

For my part, I was quite sure that I was seeking someone who would also be on board with Church teaching, and I vaguely figured, without giving it much thought, that long-distance dating might be “fun.” My definition of “far away” was “up to 500 miles,” so James, who lived 1,591 miles from me, never crossed my radar. Fortunately for our marriage and the children who’ve come into being from it, James had no such geographic limits on his searches! And one day, just before Thanksgiving of 2012, he messaged me. 

But who will move?

If you’ve considered the logistics of long-distance dating more fully than I did, you’ve probably thought about the high likelihood of one person needing to eventually move. James and I discerned this same necessity as our relationship deepened, and the outcome of our discernment surprised my now-husband, who had figured that he’d go on teaching high school Math and coaching football at his alma mater for years to come. When we thought about the job opportunities available to both of us, as well as where we wanted to hopefully raise a family in the future, we both understood that there would be more possibilities if he came my way rather than vice versa. 

Perhaps you’re in a similar position to James, thinking that surely you’ll be in your current position for a while (though current trends in the workforce actually tend towards fewer years at any one position than in previous decades). If that’s you, I’d encourage you to prayerfully consider taking a chance and opening your search radius anyway, trusting that, as in our situation, God can work out the details in a way that ends up being amicable to both parties. 

Let yourself be surprised!

One contraindication I can envision to openness to long-distance dating is being in a job or perhaps a family situation, such as child custody or caring for elderly parents, that would not allow for you to move. Once again, I’d extend the invitation to prayerfully consider allowing the Lord to work out these details as well. While James was previously a Math teacher, he is now a self-described “Math guy for an insurance company, saving the world one spreadsheet at a time.” The career change he’s undergone, which has made it possible for me to stay home with our children, would not have been possible if we were living in his hometown. 

I think, too, of a relative who was also on CatholicMatch at the same time I was. He assured me several times that while he was open to dating long-distance, he personally would never move out-of-state due to his desire to be fully vested in his pension at work. Lo and behold, we are each now married to people we met on CatholicMatch, but he ended up moving to Europe to marry his wife! 

Be a stickler for someone with similar values.

While my experience has led me to encourage a very open mind when it comes to long-distance dating, nearly six years of marriage has taught me the value of maintaining laser focus on finding a spouse with the same core values. At a bare minimum, James and I each wanted to find someone who was “7 out of 7” in agreement with basic Church teachings, but we also wanted to be on the same page about our goals for marriage, our hopes and dreams for growing a family and how we wanted to raise our children, and finances, to name a few examples. 

Don’t get me wrong, James and I are very different people. He hunts and fishes and builds things, like an incredible bunk bed for our son’s last birthday. I love reading and writing and baking and dancing. 

Our hobbies are certainly divergent, but we both sought someone with a genuine love for the Lord, who hungered to know and do His will, and who was capable of self-gift.

Being open to a relationship that wasn't local has borne tremendous fruit for us! While it isn't always for everyone, more people are capable of having a successful long distance relationship than they may think. So, I encourage you, the next time you log into your CatholicMatch account, review your search settings and see if you can add a little bit of distance.